Things I learn't in 2010

• That no matter how hard your heart is breaking, the world does not stop for your grief.
  
• The physical ache of a broken heart and the bitter, vile taste of disappointment is so acute it almost always takes your breath away.
  
• Positive thinking really does work
  
• Get up, Dress up and most importantly Show up – no matter how hard it may be
  
• Smile :)
  
• Hope and Faith in the Almighty is like a beacon of light when you have lost your way.
  
• Prayer truly is the balm for the soul
  
• Family – special moments, laughter and fun times. It’s in trying times that family count the most
  
• Lasting friendships that seem to grow with every milestone
  
• How people treat you is their Karma, how you treat them back is yours.
  
• No matter how much you think you love someone and how much you think that you will never be able to live without them – if you happen to find yourself in such a situation you can and you will.
  
• That people who you love have a right to leave you and you have to allow them that right


• Nothing lasts forever
  
• Silence is the best weapon
  
• It’s not nice to be not nice
  
• Spending time with little people (kids) is the best therapy
  
• Although the world outside looks the same, your world is changing and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it except embrace the change and make it work for you
  
• True character is shown in times of adversity
  
• Its best to be honest, regardless of how much trouble you going to be in. Honesty is best.
• When faced with choices, the harder of the 2 is usually the right one.

Fairytales

2 years ago today, I walked down the aisle in a billowing white fairy gown, entwined with organza and satin and little swarovski crystals to finish off the detail. The day was magical and I walked down the aisle with the promise of forever etched in my mind.

The sea of pink, white and silver glittered in the lovely December sunlight. There was a sense of magic in the air. My fairtytale had come true and I truly was the princess.

However where fairytales have happy endings, prince Charming on a handsome white horse and happily ever afters my Charming turned out to be quite the monster in disguise and alas my fairytale turned out to be quite a horror movie.

I feel a little sad at times. My wedding was near perfect. One only gets one shot at things like this and I blew that one chance. But I realise now that a perfect, beautiful wedding is not enough for the happily ever after. And T and my happily after is a mere distant memory and one that I would rather leave behind.

And so in saying this -

I am OK. It truly is a miracle, because I never imagined it possible - but I am OK.

Today dawned bright and clear and just as promising as every other day. As the sun will set, all I can say is a prayer of thanks that I have survived and have been saved from a life worse than a prison sentence. I wouldn't want to celebrate this day with the man I married, cos I don't want to be married to him anymore.

I shock myself at times, when I realise this.

But it's the truth..........

Long Overdue Update...

This blog is in serious need of revival......

I cannot believe that it's December already. 2010 is a year I well and truly will never forget. It's been a roller coaster ride, filled with tears and drama and more tears. However the silver lining for me is that I have survived. I am stronger, more persistant, have learnt a few life lessons.

I have Survived.

The last time I posted was in May this year. If I look back, it's all a hazy memory and I battle to remember all that's happened. All I know that a great deal did happen. I don't want to re-hash too much about what happened. The main thing is that I have let go and decided to walk away. That's the important bit. I don't think I will ever really forget what happened, but as the pain and hurt slowly recedes, I realise that I am going to be allright.

It's been a long and lonely road. I think I have functioned in corpse mode for the better part of this year. Every single day, I would wish and hope for some miracle and every single day those hopes were dashed. Prayer became my beacon and I clung to it, fervently praying for a miracle. All I wanted was for this mess to end, for T and I to reconcile and for us to continue living our lives as man and wife. I would sit on my prayer mat, silently praying, questioning, seeking and all the while hurting with raw pain. However I believe that the Almighty knows best and as I sought solace in prayer, the answers and the realisation came. Not to mention the strength and patience to accept the inevitable.

I realise now that T is not the man I married. I don't know who or what he has become. I cannot be with a man like that. He has cheated on me, has total disregard for me and my feelings, has shown no remorse for all that he has done and still continues to do. I count my blessings every single day that we didn't have children together, because than I would be bound to this man forever. I know that for the past year, I have blamed his family for the demise of our marriage. They are not blameless and they have had a hand in every thing that has happened. But I married T and not them. He could have stopped them, he could have prevented a lot of what had happened. Instead he chose to ignore it, sided with them and painted me out to be the villain.

As for his infidelity - it was the final straw that led me to leave in the first place. I couldn't accept this. I couldnt believe that this man out of all people could hurt me in this way and so I shut it out and pretended that it wasn't there. My mind refused to accept it. At first when I left, I was so angry with him. I couldn't imagine being near him, that's how angry I was. But slowly the anger dissipated and all I felt was hurt and pain. It's taken me a long time to accept this and acknowledge the fact that he had/has someone else and instead of his parents putting the record straight, they blamed me and accused me of all sorts of indescretions.

Walkin away from him and our marriage, is one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do. There were times when I couldn't imagine my life without him. Honestly I don't know how I did it, but I feel this sense of freedom and a lightness in my heart that is really hard to imagine sometimes. I realise now that no human being deserves to be treated the way he treated me. I have closed that chapter in my heart and I have realised that T's part in my story is over. It hasn't been easy coming to this. Some days were harder than others. The bitter, vile taste of constant disappointment is something I will never forget. However as days melted into weeks and months, the realisation that I am going to be OK is truimphant enough.

This hasn't been an easy road and we are now fighting a bitter war of assets and money. He has no claims and yet he persists with his ludicrous demands. I have appointed a lawyer to act on my behalf and I'm hoping that all will be resolved soon.

I cannot believe how the time has passed and as the saying goes, Time waits for no man. I don't know where the last few months have gone to. As I made my decision to walk away, a thought that was too hard to imagine before, work became my solace. My staff member was promoted to another position and I had to hold the fort on my own until I found a replacement. This forced me to sit up and take charge. However it's been the best thing that could have happened to me cos it allowed me to prove to myself that I am worthy of something and I can make things happen.

The year has been a nightmare. It's been filled with sadness and pain. However I also believe that I have grown and learn't a few bitter lessons in all off this. Im glad for this, cos whatever the situation one finds oneself, one has to learn from it. I realised last weekend, that I am actually happy and I really need to give thanks. I have my wonderful, incredible family who have been absolute rock stars in supporting me. I have amazing friends who have supported me through this terrible ordeal. I have a job that sustains me and I have my Faith which has grounded me and made me whole again.

I am glad that I have survived and that is the most exhilirating feeling of all.....

In other news - I have made a friend. Im not sure where this Friendship is going to. It's still early days and I must admit it's all very exciting but scary too. There is an element of nervousness and fear and excitement but hey time will tell. If anything's meant to come out of it than it will and if not than fine. Right now it's all about enjoying the moment and making it count.......

Hello World...

I'm still around..........

Just haven't had the energy to write... My life is still a mish mash of sorts and making sense of it all can be quite daunting at times......

But I will be back........ Soon..... I Hope!

It's Over....

Yesterday marked 5 months since T and I separated. If you have to ask me where the past 5 months have gone too, I cannot account for it. It's as though the past few months have spanned over one single day. It's the same old grind and drudgery that never seems to abate. Yes I have lived I have holidayed, spent time with friends and family, laughed, ate, drank, slept, yes I have lived but with the constant knowledge that my life is in limbo. And I am now tired. Tired of me talking, not talking, saying what I feel, keeping quite, being out there and putting my opinions across, keeping a low profile. I am just tired. Tired because nothing works.

With all that's happened and all that's been said, I have come to the conclusion that T and I are so over. Nothing works and maybe we are just not mean't to be. I cannot and will not play second fiddle to his family. I don't think it's fair to me and it is a real issue for me. That is the bottom line. I don't believe that T doesn't love me. In all this I really doubted that, but after meeting him a few weeks ago, I realised that the spark that we share/shared is still there. I can still look into his eyes and see the warmth and glow that was there. We can still laugh and chat and share special moments but.....

And there is a big but - I am not a big enough priority in his life. Everyone and everything comes first and I must just fit in wherever there is a free gap and that for me is a huge problem. That worked pretty fine while we were still dating, but I am not his girlfriend anymore and it seems he cannot differentiate between me being his girlfriend and his wife. Maybe eventually he will grow up and come to realise this but I am not going to wait around for that to happen. I want to be the priority and I want to be taken care of and I want to be number 1. I was prepared to do that for him and if he cannot do the same for me than there is no point. I cannot compete with his family. I don't want to have to compete with them. Infact I don't begrudge him his family. They have such issues with me and instead of him giving me the benefit of the doubt he sides with them and treats me like the villain and bad guy. Honestly speaking I don't care that they don't like me. Mother in laws have issues with their son's wives' all the time. I don't even want him to take my part but I need him to support me and put me first. Something which he is not capable of doing. In realising this, I have come to the conclusion that I cannot keep fighting this battle. I am fighting it alone and I keep getting nowhere.

And so here I am, trying to navigate my way through this emotional blurriness. It's hard and there are times when I feel so disappointed and so let down. This wasn't supposed to be how it turned out. I think back to when I had just gotten married. I was so drunk on love and deliriously happy. Granted I know that the giddyness of those first few months would not last forever but it wasn't supposed to end up this way. There are times when a memory is triggered and I think back to those happy times. It makes me sad because him and I we had plans, plans to make a life together. Little did I know that those plans would be tarnished by his mother and sister's neediness and dependancy on him. When I think back to all that's been said and done since this whole sorry saga started 9 months ago, I realise now that they should never have let him get married. They cannot let go and need him to be at their beck and call all the time. I feel quite foolish now, because when him and I got married I was quite confident that I would never have to deal with his mummy issues. Him and his mother were never close, she never bothered about him, hardly ever cared what he did etc etc etc. However as soon as I came into the picture, she couldn't do enough for him. Why I keep asking? And not to mention his sister who is 35 years old and is so dependant on her brother it is actually quite sick.

T needs to grow up. However the bottom line is that he doesn't want to. Maybe it suits him, maybe he doesn't know better, maybe they are his blood as he many a time claims. I don't know. However what I do know is that I am not prepared to be second best and I am not prepared to wait around for him to decide to grow up.

And so yes - IT IS OVER.....

In Conflict with Myself...

My mind is a whirlwind of thoughts. I have felt a sort of freedom for this past 2 weeks. T is away overseas. The not knowing still plagues me and while a feeling of freedom enveloped me since they left, they are due back this week and I find myself suddenly stressed and worried. T and his dad were planning to go for Umrah since all this crap started. Towards the end of January, the Uncle who is mediating through all this crap, MB, called and said that they want me to go with them. What a wonderful opportunity; to visit Allah's house, the most favoured place on the planet, to sort out our issues and hopefully pray and find spiritual healing and once again cement our union. I must admit, I was weary. Nothing was resolved here and we can go and make Umrah but what happens when we come back. At the time T and I were barely talking to each other. The trip was scheduled and we would be travelling with his mum and dad and some cousin. If they had decided to send us alone I would gladly have taken the opportunity in an attempt to fix the mess that we had created. I voiced my concerns to MB and he was very accomodating but still asked me to think about it. I did not refuse, I just questioned the facts.

Well that was the end of that. Nobody pursued the matter and although a meeting was held in early February (after much pushing from my family), which turned out to be an even bigger disaster than any of the previous mediation sessions, I decided not to go. A week or so later, I heard that the sister and her baby were also going with. My decision had been made and I was sticking to it.

I find myself battling emotions and a barrage of conflicting thoughts. I really want to make my marriage work. But how I keep questioning. T and I are the two that need to work things out, however to this day,the gripes that keep coming up are not about anything that I did to him. It's his mother's and sister's and father's gripes. They range from not eating the food the mum cooked, not wanting to interact with them, not offering to buy the baby clothes 4 months before the baby was even born, me having issues with their family who are dark, me having an issue with the maid bathing in my guest bathroom (and yes I do have an issue with that but that's another debate all on it's own), me leaving early in the morning to go and have breakfast at my mother's. It's all petty shit but it's their gripes against me. I am such a villain in their life. The gripes are nothing about T and I. It's only all their issues. So how do I make this marriage to work when I am this bad-assed daughter in law and T goes with whatever they feed him. That is why with all these gripes that they have against me, how was it going to be possible to go to a foreign country and pretend that all is hunky dory. They pretty great at shoving everything under the musallah* and pretend that life is just great.

I feel angry at T. I married him and he is the one who is supposed to care for me, protect me, look after me etc etc etc. Instead he goes with their gripes and fights with me. I am not asking for much just love, commitment and a partner to share my life with. I don't care about the gorgeous house or the fancy cars. Before T left we had a serious conversation (well it was serious on my side) and I asked him to really think about us and our marriage. I asked him to pray and decide what he really wants. I made it clear that if had changed his mind about being married to me than I would be fine with it but than he should stope blaming me, cos I didn't change the game - he did. I also told him to think about the plans that we made to share a life together and think really nicely about what he really wants. I too pray daily that he will decide and come back having made a firm decision and than to stick by it. I was honest in my feelings and made it pretty clear how I feel about him. I don't think pride is going to get any of us anywhere.

I haven't heard from him in this 2 weeks. Maybe it's a good thing, I don't know. Honestly speaking I feel very angry. Angry and hurt. T is my husband, we were supposed to make that trip together as husband and wife. I feel anger that while this spiritual retreat is important, the resolution of our marriage is just as important and they could have resolved things before they left and if things were resolved I could have went with. Instead they have marked it as an event, just like the baby's birth, and they claim that they will resolve things when they return. I for one am not holding my breathe. And so I have resigned my fate into the hands of the Almighty Allah. While I felt hurt that T had went on his own, I decided to leave him to do just that. Maybe in some way he will find the answers that will enable him to find his way.

And this is where the conflict starts. This month marks 7 months since all this started. 7 Months of consistent shit, pain and anguish. While I really want to make my marriage to work, I cannot do it alone and I need T to take on that responsibility. However I placed my faith and trust in him. He is my husband and his responsibility is to take care of me. Instead he shunned all responsibility and sided with his family and all their gripes. I don't begrudge him his family. In their own way they are good people, but their dependency on him and than the never-ending issues that they have with me led him to treat me like public enemy number . As I have said, I don't begrudge him his family, they are his parents and sister - but what about me. If they cannot accept that he is now a married man with responsibilities to his wife than they shouldn't have allowed him to get married in the first place. So while I am/was (i'm not sure where I stand anymore) willing to make this work, I feel terrified that who's to say that it won't happen again.

I feel scared that I placed my faith in T as my husband and he destroyed that faith. I know that in life there are no guarantees, I walked into my marriage with my eyes wide open. I knew T wasn't perfect. But he was my perfect. I was willing to take the risks because I felt that our bond was enough to withstand anything. How wrong was I?

So yes while I love T and probably always will, there is a part of me that also really hates him. While this part of me believes and has faith (even though day after day those hopes get dashed) that we will be able to work things out there is this part of me that feels angry at the pain he caused me. Instead of protecting me, he hurt me and I don't know if I can move past that.

*Musallah - prayer mat

Something for my new found fans.....

Hmmm - To all my new found fans.....

My previous blog post was about me. I needed to vent. Some new developments had occured and I needed to vent. I don't need to explain to anyone, as this is my blog. Yes it might be on the internet for all the world to see but this is my blog. My personal space to vent and write and put things into perspective. To me writing down what I am feeling is a catharsis and a means to understand the tumultous thoughts that constantly whirl through my mind. So to the anon's who feel quick to judge me, you don't know me. You don't know my life, you don't know what i've been through and what I continue to go through. So yes you are welcome to your opinions, I cannot stop that but YOU DON'T KNOW ME! You all talk about judging - so how come you judging me..... As I have said, this is my blog, my personal space so if I want to judge and vent and rant and rave - Guess What - I can.

I am a devout Muslim and I firmly believe in fate and destiny. I believe that whatever happens, happens for a reason and for me right now that reason is pretty hazy and fuzzy but I am confident that those reasons will eventually come to the fore and this drama will come to an end. I have faith in God and I have faith that this is just a test and this too shall pass. He is the Supreme Being and He controls everything. Yes I do feel sorry for myself, yes there are days when I feel that the world owes me something, and yes I do feel crap most of the time because I feel like I am fighting a war that never ends. Yet I try to carry on with the day, give thanks for all that I do have and continue to have faith in God that the sun will shine again. However I AM BUT HUMAN.....

Caz - Thanks lady. I always used to wonder if many people ever read my blog. I guess I got my answer now. Instead of lurking and placing anonymous comments why don't they own up and say what they have to say by signing their names. I know we all go through different trials in life, but the pain and the hurt is all the same. And yes, people who cannot understand it probably never had to go through a tough time or are just bitter and full of resentment.

Anon 3 (Tal) - Thanks for always commenting. Your thoughts and insights are always welcoming....

Cassey - Thanks for the support....

Royally F......

I am convinced that when it comes to me - God does not have a conscience.......

Question

A million questions with no answers.......

Thats me!

My World and you....

You call and my world comes alive with bursts of colour and promise. The sound of your voice makes me weak at the knees and my heart feels like it's going to jump out, that's how fast it beats. I find myself walking around with silly little secret smiles and thoughts and my mind wanders to you.

I see you and my world ceases to exist. Everything comes to a crashing halt. My world is full of energy and I can actually smile again. We dance around with flirty words and thoughts that spell a lifetime of memories. We laugh and joke, tease and banter, chatter and converse. The world is a happy colourful place again.

Than you disappear in a flash of dust.

And my world is grey again........

I was robbed....

I was robbed yesterday afternoon. I was on my way home from fetching my brother at medical school when we were accosted by 2 thugs who demanded we hand over our cellphones. My brother A and I were travelling home in peak hour traffic with cars all around us when these 2 guys waltzed over and started screaming for us to hand over our phones to them.

We were stuck in peak hour traffic, it was sweltering hot outside and my window was open. Enough invitation for them to strike. A guy casually strolled towards us and when i tried to close my window he put his hand onto the car door jamming the window from being rolled up. Another guy than came from the back and started screaming in my face to give him my phone. Guy #1 than turned the key in the ignition so that the car switched off. I obliged although at that minute all I wanted to scream back was hell no. They than asked for my brother's phone and as they continued screaming for it, I told them to not do anything he is giving it to them. They than ordered us to drive off and they ran off.

It was a horrible experience. As I drove away I burst into tears and couldn't even drive home. My legs had turned to jelly and I battled to keep control of the car. It might not have been bad where they pulled weapons on us or where we were injured but the whole experience has left me quite unhinged today. It made me feel even more vulnerable than I already am. The whole experience made me really miss T and the fact that he doesn't even know that this has happened to me makes me feel even more crap. I wonder if he will even care.

I won't give up and I wont loose faith. I cannot loose faith now. I cannot. As for my phone getting stolen - its only a phone. It could have been much worse. So to the 2 thieves who thought that they could so callously walk over to my car and steal my phone. I don't care......

The Powers that be......

A friend of mine had the following status update on Facebook. As I read it, I felt like she was talking directly to me.....

Yes, All this waiting is probably making you absolultely crazy and yes you are are due for the universe to toss you just one tiny bone. Now, stop whining.

Nothing happens until it's supposed to happen and no matter how hard you try, you can't change that.

Deal with it.....

Emotions

I don't watch a lot of television. I am not sure why, but vegetating infront of the telly is just not something that I do. There are some programmes that I absolutely have to watch but that's about it. One of those programmes is Grey's Anatomy. I absolutely love that show and am so glad that it's back on.

Monday's episode really left me quite rattled. It was all about grief and the stages one goes through when going through a loss or grieving period. Greys always appeals to my emotions, i'm not sure why. There are always profound quotes and experiences that really get me thinking. The end of Monday's episode where the cast were narrating what grief is and how it affectsa human being really got my emotions running:

*Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone.

It isn't just death we have to grieve. It's life. It's loss. It's change.

And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad. The thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime.

That's how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can't breathe, that's how you survive.

By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won't feel this way. It won't hurt this much.

Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way.

So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty.

The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can't control it.

The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes.

And let it go when we can.

The very worst part is that the minute you think you're past it, it starts all over again.

And always, every time, it takes your breath away.

There are five stages of grief. They look different on all of us, but there are always five.

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance*

And that's when I started to cry.....


*Source - www.greysanatomyinsider.com

Try and move on

So, I didn't go. I was planning to go much to the dismay of my family, bought some gorgeous gifts and put it together in a really snazzy, classy get up and didn't end up going. Why cos T couldn't be bothered about me, cos he didn't call and cos I didn't have the guts to go and face his weirdness and strangeness and feel uncomfortable. So this is the end of the road for T and I. Our marriage is over and as much as I didn't want this to happen, it has and I have to deal with it.

T and I had a really huge fight on New Year's eve. We haven't spoken since than. I called him on Friday morning (before the mum called) and he seems very angry with me and the conversation was just iffy. When his mum called, I was quite surprised and I honestly thought that I would make the effort to go. However I really expected T to call me, say something about the invite etc etc etc. He didn't call and things just kind of went downhill from there. I called his mother yesterday morning and told her that I really appreciate the invitation but after much consideration I will not be attending. She didn't ask me why or anything, she just said ok. I than sent an sms to T telling him exactly why I wasn't going to attend and he ignored it. I guess if he really wanted me there, he would have called me. The unfortunate thing is that I don't know what sort of reception T would have given me and the last few months while I was living there T and his sister used to really make me feel very uncomfortable. My point is that the reason why I would have went is because T is my husband, I am not some far distant cousin. If him and I were not married there would be no reason for them to invite me and if he is funny and nasty to me what's the point of going and making the whole family happy. For whose benefit?

So this is it. I expected the dad to call or come and perform with me. He usually does that. I sent him a text as well explaining to him why I wasn't going to attend. I guess whatever must be will be and there is no fighting this anymore. Maybe it really is time for me to see the bus in the road and accept that T doesn't want me. He says he does, says he wants to make a home with me, says that he loves me, says a whole lot of stuff but acts in ways that totally contradict that. The reason why we fought was because he went to Durban for the weekend with his new so called best friends. I was also on holiday, his parents have a holiday home in Durban - if he really wanted to "make right" as he so candidly puts it than he could have taken me and went to Durban. I am still his wife and I was pretty honest with him that morning of the 31st. I told him how I feel and that I am prepared to be a wife to him but I also need something back from him. From Friday's conversation, he is angry about the fight that we had that day and the conversation was just weird. He was pissy that I didn't call him sooner, pissy that I went to Warmbaths for the new year weekend, pissy that I left him, pissy that we apart and just generally iffy and weird.

I just feel that this is the end of the road for us. Nothing positive has happened in these past 2 months. T blames me for eveything and is still angry that I left. For me he has to understand there was a reason that I left. If he can't understand that, than if I go back everything will still be the same. It has to come from him. I don't know how much longer I can wait or handle this. Everyday is a nightmare and I go through the day on autopilot. Deep down in my heart, I still love him and I know that somewhere deep down he is still a good person. But I can't fight this anymore. I give up.

I feel very strongly that there is some reason why this is happening. Some cause that has led to things turning out like this. I felt like this even while I was living there. Even than T would be good to me and than nasty. There were times when I would keep to myself and ignore him and he would want to be loving and sweet and there were times when I really craved his company and attention and he would be cold and aloof. There were times when there would be this blank, confused look in his eyes like he didn't know what to do next. I don't know why but I picked up that he seemed in conflict with himself. Look he has admitted to him feeling torn and in between his mum and sister and me, but I cannot change that. I have never disrespected them and it is upto him to maintain some balance. I still feel that there is something that is causing this. I don't know if he has someone else or is he really torn between me and them and doesn't know how to take a stand and stand up for what he wants. I would like to blame his family, but if I look at the bigger picture here maybe T does have someone else or maybe he has decided that he doesn't want to be married anymore. He can't or wont or doesn't want to fight for me. Maybe he feels that his sister got away with having a baby out of wedlock with no man in sight so maybe he feels that he can also get away with getting out of our marriage.

The unfortunate thing is that if only T can be honest. If he has to say that he doesn't want me, it will have to be fine. It's his right to have whatever he wants. It will be tough but I will deal with it. However he keeps saying one thing but than behaving totally out of context. All the while blaming me together with his mother. I cannot carry on like this forever. The past 5 months have been hell and although it's still continuing I have to make a conscious effort to try and move on. The reality is that this isn't just a relationship where one can decide to move on and never look back. I am still married to him and bound to him by Nikah. I have always said that I don't want to get divorced but I can't make this marriage to work on my own.

Besides I cannot fight what the Almighty has written out for me and no matter how hard I try I keep hitting a brick wall. If T could show some commitment and love and affection I know I would have went back. But he hasn't so here I am stuck and confused wondering how someone could change so drastically and become a person that I barely know.

Although my heart breaks and it feels as though someone is shoving a knife into my heart and twisting it, I can't hold onto something and keep trying when i'm getting no joy from the other side. The feeling is you know where you need to do something and you really really don't want to but you have to. This is one of those situations.

I just have to try.....

To go or not.....

So.....

The mum called me today and invited me for lunch on Sunday in honour of the new baby? Its been 2 months and a bit and this is the first time that she has called me.

To go or not to go.......

Bittersweet Congrats

So! The baby has finally arrived. It seems that the baby was born today, one day after it's expected arrival. It's funny that the grand arrival was being waited for since December and did end up coming on the day that it was supposed to come. Well nobody's phoned to tell me that the princess has finally given birth and it's highly unlikely that they will. I just happen to be rather resourceful and managed to find the information out on my own.

As realization struck, I felt deflated and miserable and luckily my friend Sue rescued me from really beginning to wallow in the pits of despair. I guess realisation has struck that finally this little innocent being has arrived and who knows what's going to happen next. I feel anxious to the point of nausea. I supposedly don't know. I wonder what will they do. Will anyone call to tell me, my husband in particular or will he continue to ignore me as he has been doing since last week. Will the lack of communciation on his part mean that he really doesn't care?

The birth of this baby shouldn't affect my life but unfortunately the reality is that it does. Under normal circumstances, T and I would be the child's uncle and aunt who would spoil and love the innocent baba cos that's what uncles and aunt's do for their nieces. But this is not under normal circumstances and while T is probably ecstatic and overjoyed playing daddy to the little gem without a care in the world where his wife is and what she is doing. This was not how life was supposed to play out. I shouldn't feel this way towards an innocent baby but it's the nature of the beast and the reality of it all. Also T and I were mean't to separate until the bith of the baby. Well the baby is here and T and I are nowhere near a reconciliation. Infact things are just as screwed up as they were when I left. So nothing's changed, it doesn't look like anything is going to be any different and I am left to pick up the pieces while the rest of them fawn over the little bambino. Nobody is going to give 2 hoots regarding the state of T and my marriage. Nobody is going to be bothered to even think about me and the fact that T and I are on the verge of getting a divorce. I don't blame them. A baby brings such joy and affection and love to any home, why should they be saddled with me (who is such a villain) in their life.

I knew this day was coming. I always used to wonder what it would be like when the baby arrived. I guess I never go to experience that, which for me is lucky cos the way things were before I left, there was no place for me. That portrait was only reserved for Princess T (SIL), The Queen (MIL) and T.

So congratulations Princess T.

I give up

So it's 2010. It's the beginning of a new year, the soccer spectacular will very soon be upon us and it's the turn of the decade. Hmmm I wish my personal life sounded so upbeat and full of promise. I am still very much in the same situation that I was in when 2009 ended. Infact it's been the same drag for the past couple of months and nothing's changed.

I don't know what the future holds and honestly speaking I am terrified. I began 2009 full of promise and excitement. I had just gotten married, T and I were beginning our life together, work was going ok - things were looking up and the adventure seemed pretty exciting. Than the bombshell dropped and everything went pear-shaped and instead of an adventure, I woke up to a full scale nightmare filled with lies, deceit and monster in-laws. Looking back I don't know if leaving T was the best decision that I have ever made. It was best at the time and although I don't regret it, cos being there was too hard for me, it's hard to work on a marriage being apart.

So my year has begun but I am still very much in limbo and am not really sure where my life is going. Unfortunately T and I are no longer dating so there is a marriage at stake here. I am finding that it's not as simple as just saying Fuck You, I don't need this shit anymore and I am going to walk away. I don't know, maybe I am wrong not to think that way, but honestly speaking I don't want to get divorced. I know that I still love T and I know that if he is willing to show commitment to working things out I would still want to. I am grappling with emotions and feelings and thoughts that at times tend to drive me up the wall. I keep thinking that things cannot carry on like this. However all focus is on the princess who is taking forever to pop and nobody is really concerned about our marriage. It frustrates me that this innocent little baby has got nothing to do with things between us falling apart, yet we have to wait until it's born until anything gets sorted.

As I type this, I realise but wait T and I are adults. Surely we can sort this out on our own. Well we have tried and I think that we have failed. Again! It was fine when he first started calling me. We chatted, laughed and were really trying to just find each other again. It was good, I was nervous I must admit but it was good. I could see that he was trying as well. However for me this isn't enough anymore. I need to feel the commitment and I need to know that whatever happens next is going to be positive and T just keeps stalling and pretending that life is great when in actual fact it's not. I seriously don't get him and we ended up having a really serious fight last week. He went to Sun City during the Christmas long weekend and than he went to Durban last weekend. I was livid and lost it all over again and told him to leave me alone as his priorities were definitely not me and that was the end of him. He came to see me before he left, but I was too angry to care and gave him the cold shoulder and left. I feel disappointed.

My family is angry that he looks like he is living his life like a young bachelor while I as his wife must sit at home. I feel the exact same way and I voiced my anger to his dad who although listened didn't really do anything. I don't get T at all. He calls and is all sweet and caring. He nags me to come home and shows the love and affection that I have been craving for all these months that has been so absent. However his actions don't prove anything. I just don't get it. So yes maybe telling him to fuck off is the best thing for me. But what do you do when you love the person, it's no longer just a relationship that you can end and you know the person that he can be. Honestly speaking I am angry too. Why must things be like this and does he really care about me?

So we are not talking at the moment. He hasn't called since that huge argument that we had and I feel like I am back where I started when I left home. I don't know where this all is heading to and I am terrified of what is going to happen next. I feel miserable cos at least these past few weeks we were at least talking. I don't know what to do next. Nothing works. T still blames me for leaving and can't or won't or doesn't want to see things for how they really are. The baby has become the number one priority, which is all fair and well, I don't begrudge anyone their moment but what about me and my life. Why must I wait?

I seriously give up.