Monday, March 01, 2010

In Conflict with Myself...

My mind is a whirlwind of thoughts. I have felt a sort of freedom for this past 2 weeks. T is away overseas. The not knowing still plagues me and while a feeling of freedom enveloped me since they left, they are due back this week and I find myself suddenly stressed and worried. T and his dad were planning to go for Umrah since all this crap started. Towards the end of January, the Uncle who is mediating through all this crap, MB, called and said that they want me to go with them. What a wonderful opportunity; to visit Allah's house, the most favoured place on the planet, to sort out our issues and hopefully pray and find spiritual healing and once again cement our union. I must admit, I was weary. Nothing was resolved here and we can go and make Umrah but what happens when we come back. At the time T and I were barely talking to each other. The trip was scheduled and we would be travelling with his mum and dad and some cousin. If they had decided to send us alone I would gladly have taken the opportunity in an attempt to fix the mess that we had created. I voiced my concerns to MB and he was very accomodating but still asked me to think about it. I did not refuse, I just questioned the facts.

Well that was the end of that. Nobody pursued the matter and although a meeting was held in early February (after much pushing from my family), which turned out to be an even bigger disaster than any of the previous mediation sessions, I decided not to go. A week or so later, I heard that the sister and her baby were also going with. My decision had been made and I was sticking to it.

I find myself battling emotions and a barrage of conflicting thoughts. I really want to make my marriage work. But how I keep questioning. T and I are the two that need to work things out, however to this day,the gripes that keep coming up are not about anything that I did to him. It's his mother's and sister's and father's gripes. They range from not eating the food the mum cooked, not wanting to interact with them, not offering to buy the baby clothes 4 months before the baby was even born, me having issues with their family who are dark, me having an issue with the maid bathing in my guest bathroom (and yes I do have an issue with that but that's another debate all on it's own), me leaving early in the morning to go and have breakfast at my mother's. It's all petty shit but it's their gripes against me. I am such a villain in their life. The gripes are nothing about T and I. It's only all their issues. So how do I make this marriage to work when I am this bad-assed daughter in law and T goes with whatever they feed him. That is why with all these gripes that they have against me, how was it going to be possible to go to a foreign country and pretend that all is hunky dory. They pretty great at shoving everything under the musallah* and pretend that life is just great.

I feel angry at T. I married him and he is the one who is supposed to care for me, protect me, look after me etc etc etc. Instead he goes with their gripes and fights with me. I am not asking for much just love, commitment and a partner to share my life with. I don't care about the gorgeous house or the fancy cars. Before T left we had a serious conversation (well it was serious on my side) and I asked him to really think about us and our marriage. I asked him to pray and decide what he really wants. I made it clear that if had changed his mind about being married to me than I would be fine with it but than he should stope blaming me, cos I didn't change the game - he did. I also told him to think about the plans that we made to share a life together and think really nicely about what he really wants. I too pray daily that he will decide and come back having made a firm decision and than to stick by it. I was honest in my feelings and made it pretty clear how I feel about him. I don't think pride is going to get any of us anywhere.

I haven't heard from him in this 2 weeks. Maybe it's a good thing, I don't know. Honestly speaking I feel very angry. Angry and hurt. T is my husband, we were supposed to make that trip together as husband and wife. I feel anger that while this spiritual retreat is important, the resolution of our marriage is just as important and they could have resolved things before they left and if things were resolved I could have went with. Instead they have marked it as an event, just like the baby's birth, and they claim that they will resolve things when they return. I for one am not holding my breathe. And so I have resigned my fate into the hands of the Almighty Allah. While I felt hurt that T had went on his own, I decided to leave him to do just that. Maybe in some way he will find the answers that will enable him to find his way.

And this is where the conflict starts. This month marks 7 months since all this started. 7 Months of consistent shit, pain and anguish. While I really want to make my marriage to work, I cannot do it alone and I need T to take on that responsibility. However I placed my faith and trust in him. He is my husband and his responsibility is to take care of me. Instead he shunned all responsibility and sided with his family and all their gripes. I don't begrudge him his family. In their own way they are good people, but their dependency on him and than the never-ending issues that they have with me led him to treat me like public enemy number . As I have said, I don't begrudge him his family, they are his parents and sister - but what about me. If they cannot accept that he is now a married man with responsibilities to his wife than they shouldn't have allowed him to get married in the first place. So while I am/was (i'm not sure where I stand anymore) willing to make this work, I feel terrified that who's to say that it won't happen again.

I feel scared that I placed my faith in T as my husband and he destroyed that faith. I know that in life there are no guarantees, I walked into my marriage with my eyes wide open. I knew T wasn't perfect. But he was my perfect. I was willing to take the risks because I felt that our bond was enough to withstand anything. How wrong was I?

So yes while I love T and probably always will, there is a part of me that also really hates him. While this part of me believes and has faith (even though day after day those hopes get dashed) that we will be able to work things out there is this part of me that feels angry at the pain he caused me. Instead of protecting me, he hurt me and I don't know if I can move past that.

*Musallah - prayer mat

10 comments:

cassey said...

It sounds like you made the right choice in not going with. If you and T do decide to work on it again, I hope you guys aren't always surrounded by in-laws.

Anonymous said...

I feel u need to 4get him and move on wd ur life, u deserv sum1 better who wil love and apreciate u! YOU and the marriag didnt mean anythn 2 him,dat why he is not makn effort to reconcile. Anyways ,are u in Gauteng?then contact Islamic Careline for help,advice,counselling etc.makn dua 4 u!

Anonymous said...

i have no words apart from sayin that yr in laws mayb did nt want T 2 get married n the cant let go of him. Which leads me 2 believe that u nt goin with was a wise 1. How sad that inlaws cant allow their children their space.

angel said...

If he's going to continue to keep you dangling Blue, then perhaps you need to do what's best for you.

Caz said...

When The Band and I were engaged we did pre-marital counselling (it is a standard thing at our church and a very good one!). One of the things the guy said was this:
Caz if your mom phones and you and The Band happen to be at each other's throats, you still say "All is fine, the band is well".
I chuckled at this church man encouraging dishonesty, but it was some of the best advice we received. I can tell you now that neither me nor The Band has ever once badmouthed each other to our parents and as a result they know that it would be ABSOLUTELY unacceptable if either of our parents were to say something bad about our spouse to us.
Unless that is a foundational agreement a marriage is off to a very rocky start. Bottom line is that ANY parents will ALWAYS see the spouse as the vilain and their own child is ALWAYS the innocent victim. I have seen it in my brother's marriage and I have seen it in The Band's brother's marriage... If you don't set boundaries with your folks they unintentionally cause all manner of issues. I would say that Until T can say that you come first and he defends you to the death EVEN WHEN YOU ARE WRONG (yep - seriously!) it can't work.

Blue Sunflower said...

Thanks to all....

Caz - you are 110% correct. If only T can see that....

Mary Knot said...

Slms Blue.
You probably already know this...but- you cant always be begging for support from someone. Or always be defending your honour against the man who is supposed to cherish it, not question it.
you're going to inevitably be drained and bitter.... and instead of being stronger for it, you might just be more brittle.
Because after a while- the stories begin to blur and you wonder if you really Didnt do what they say you did?

ofcourse marriage is a compromise. our histories seem very different, in that i - didnt have an expectation so much of the person as i had of my husband. whereas with you, its the man himself who hurts you. I think thats infinitely harder to deal with, because- there was someone you liked and loved and lived with, as opposed to a 'neat marriage arrangement'.
Only you know what you need and what you might be able to get from him. But- from a sister who is looking in on the other side- be the best you can be. be more just than is expected. its devilish hard and it seems like its not worth it....
but if you get to the side im on, you'll be glad of that integrity more than anything else.
my sister often tells me how useless it was of me doing so much. of all the effort that was just ignored and never acknowledged...and even lied about. she likes to point out that meanies get everything for a reason and that this should teach me to - demand respect and never give an inch. and it seems like it, doesnt it?
so yes. it didnt work out and i had to suck it up with a smile and later, hide all the ugliness with trite cliches. i made my husband and i seem like two poor friends who just never clicked, such that most of my family think i was the one who just left him heartbroken. and this startles up something in me that wants to regain everyones favour. that wants to blurt out the damning truth. but... im holding it in. And inshaAllah... ill get something better for it. And for all those who bought the idea of me being someone im not... well. im glad i learnt this and im still young enough to make my own feet firm. to not have to run after those who will never stand for you.

youre right.you're going to be fine whatever his decision is. But You have to live with yourself longer than with anyone else- so sometimes, even if it means sucking it up with a smile and gritted teeth- theres bound to be an occasion for that*sigh, wish it werent so...but thats Life*-, so be it. Do it with every little atom screaming at the ache of such submission. That ache- it can sweep up a multitude of transgressions.
I know this seems like strange advice. Im not sying you were wrong or that your treatment of them is wrong. I havent read that far in to make any judgements:P
But... i want you to- have that ease that i have now. i dont want you to suffer later and regret anything.if you leave, leave with a clear brow and a clearer conscience.
reputation is too flimsy to hold on to...so you have to make sure you have something strong that can give you comfort later on.
so.i dont know you, but- i Am standing here with you.
May Allah make this time easier for you, may He grant you the choice that will bring you closer to Him in the best possible way, that will ensure your happiness in both worlds and may your love for your partner- whomever it may be- be a love that strengthens you, never diminishes your good qualities, and leads you to be a better person in all areas- not because of your love for him, but because of his faith in you, ameen.
*hugs*

Blue Sunflower said...

Thanks Mary.... For the kind words, the prayers and most of all for rooting for me on the side....

Anonymous said...

Whats wrong?are u alrite?why not blogging frm soooo long?hope evrythn is fine! Is T back frm umra? U met him?

Blue Sunflower said...

Anon....

Sorry i've been away. Just don't have much to say these days....

I'm ok - im just hanging in there. Will post soon....