Drama and Disappointments

There was huge drama at house no 2 last night. Screaming, shouting - one big barney. I am just so tired and disappointed. I don't know what the fuck is going on anymore and to be honest I am really trying not to freaking care. There is just too much policitics, too many ulterior motives and too many dramatics that can make your head spin.

Sweets and I are supposed to set a date for the engagement party. It's supposed to happen sometime in March or April, depending on the availability of all parties concerned. It is not a religous function, but more traditional. So him and his dad were at house no 2 last night and we were discussing who to call etc. Now Sweet's dad, lets call him The Dad, is almost like my own father. He has been a part of my life even before Sweets and I got together and he knows my parents history and has been a part of my life ever since the day my dad left. I will rather go to him with a problem than go to my own father. He is the father figure in my life and I respect him and love him as if he were my own father. So naturally he will want to have a say etc in whatever we doing. I don't mind that. However last night went a little too far.

Sweets and I had this huge fight - he was getting irritated and pissed off with his dad and ended up throwing a tantrum like a 5 year old with me. It was pathetic and I ended up saying that if this is how you want to carry on - than I don't think I want to do this anymore. It was ugly and not nice. They than had their say and left.

I am so disappointed and have all these doubts and fears that are making me think 10 times about this. I am feeling so confused and am not sure what the way forward should be. I honestly thought that things were great and that we were moving towards a more mature relationship. But last night just put a damper on everything and I am really not sure about anything anymore.

I am just so disappointed and feel so defeated. I keep reflecting back to the past year that was. I was convinced that him and I were over and I had to move on and get on with my life. And I was prepared to do just that. And than he came back and we started over and things were pretty perfect. But after last night - I am two-minded, I am getting cold feet and I am confused.

Busy as a bee

Tomorrow is my last day in my current department and I am busy as a bee......................

Frazzled Electric Shocks

I am feeling like a live hot wire full of current and ready to explode. Only difference this is a different kind of energy. I feel frazzled and overwhelmed. There is just so much to do, I feel exhausted, the preparations or rather the beginning of the preparations for the wedding are starting to make me go cuckoo in my head and all I want to do is bury my head in the sand and never wake up. It is making me grumpy and miserable and terribly irritable.

To top it all, my cuz who I am really close to, decided to throw a little pity party yesterday. She visited yesterday and went on and on about how hurt she is cos I didn't tell her about me and Sweets and about the fact that we are wanting to get married. Umm hello - this is quite a newly revealed fact. She knew that we were dating, but I could have at least told her that we are wanting to get married blah, blah, blah. They were over for supper last night however her little tantrum just spoiled my appetite and all I wanted to do is puke. In fact I still want to puke. Sweets asked me to marry him last year before he went overseas. I didn't tell a soul until he came back, so that we could officially make the announcement. I didn't even tell me own mother until the 99th hour. I was not only irritated last night but also upset. Isn't this supposed to be a happy time, I mean my other cousins and friends have all been calling with congrats and excited ideas etc etc and she literally tried to talk me out of it. I mean what gives?

I was looking forward to her visit, thinking that she would help with ideas but after last night, I hope she stays far away from it all. I don't need someone with a face sweeping the floor to come and just dampen everyone's spirits, cos that is exactly what she did last night. Talk about waiting for someone in anticipation and than sad realisation dawns that all your waiting was in vain. I am highly highly irritated with her. But nonetheless I don't really care. If that is how she feels than so be it. This is my turn and it's a happy occasion in my home and I don't want anyone to spoil it.

Only 3 more days and I will be out of this department. The lady that is supposed to take over frm me, is so nonchalent about the whole thing that it is making me stress even more. However there is only so much I can do and if she doesn't take an interest to come to me and ask and learn than it is her loss. On Friday is my first day in my new position, it sucks if you ask me but I guess it's fine.

I cant wait to go home today. I feel exhausted and miserable and really wish that this day were over. To top it all - I just deleted about 3/4 of my inbox. That is like the majority of my emails - gone. I am so clueless when it comes to things PC that I don't know how to get it back. I have logged a call with our help desk and the waiting is driving me nuts cos I cant do any decent work. Aaaarghhhh - FRUSTRATION AT IT'S BEST!!!!!!!!!!

I can hear a hot bath and my bed calling for me in the distance...

Fast Forward

Hmmmmm - so its happening.

Sweets and I are going to live on our own. It's settled. I guess I should count my lucky stars that I don't have to live with his parents in their home. But - and the but is what is kind of getting me all panicked. They are buying the house next door. I guess it's much better than living with them altogether in one house, or having like a seperate living quarters that is so traditional with Indian families. This will be like my own house which is great. If only it weren't right next door.

With the way things were going these past few weeks - I guess I should say I got what I wanted. However the but feeling still comes in. I know and understand that Sweets is close to his family. They are his parents and I don't want to keep him away from them. I would also want him to love and respect my family so I guess this is a compromise. It's just unfortunate that I happen to know a great deal about them. And things are rather complicated and intricate. I just hope that they don't interfere in my life and feel that they have a right to comment on whatever I do. That will not be nice. I don't mind compromising but I don't want to be told what to do, where to go and how to live my life.

I freak out a great deal with regards to getting married. What if, what if, what it? It's not cold feet - he makes me happy and I absolutely love spending time with him, being with him etc etc. Marriage is a huge step and although I know it is what I want - I still get scared.

I spent the night tossing and turning. There are just too many thoughts swirling through my head right now. It's exciting, scary, happy and sad all at the same time. Since the day I was a little girl I would dream of my wedding. I can't believe that it is here and about to happen.

Scary Shit if you ask me....

Oh and by the way - don't ever trust people that you meet online. I got chatting to someone and he was really sweet. I didn't start up a conversation with him for it to go any further. I am a very friendly person and love meeting new people. However this person lied about everything. Just goes to show that people that you meet online are never quiet what they seem. Sorry to all my other friends that I have met online and with who I share a special relationship, but you just have to be careful of people that you meet online.....

Weekend Post

I had several half attempts at posting yesterday but just didn't get the chance. It is so hectic here at work and there are times when all I want to do is tear my hair out. See the thing is that I am a perfectionist. That means that I set very high expectations and if things need to get done, they need to get done now. If someone needs something from me, I will do it now and make sure I do it properly. In the same way if I request something to be done, I expect it to be done properly and as soon as possible. I know and understand that not everyone is like this but I find it hard to believe that people can be so lax and nonchalent about stuff. I firmly believe that we are all here to do a job. No matter how much you hate it, cos many of them do. They will bitch and moan about everything in this department, you have a job to do and you need to do it well. You are getting paid for it and my opinion is that if you don't want to be here than fine leave.


I have been having endless staff issues since last week. I guess I shouldn't really care in 2 weeks time I will be out of here but I am not one to leave things in a mess and I just want the new person to be able to step into my shoes and run with it. I am just so tired of staff giving me attitude and not performing and giving me drama. I cant wait to move. And what with my boss that has suddenly decided to play the favouritism card. How pathetic and low can you get.

My weekend was ok - I went to a baby shower on Saturday. One of my friends that used to work with me, is having a baby. I must admit I found it rather boring - as there were more mommies there and nobody that I really knew. Nevertheless it was sweet and lovely. On Saturday afternoon, my mum and I traipsed around Fordsburg. If there is ever a bargain that one is looking for this is the place. There is this shop that sells the most beautiful eastern clothing. They had a sale so I thought I would have a look around and maybe buy something that I liked. The clothes are beautiful and I couldn't really make up my mind. I am not sure if I want something eastern for the engagement party. Ended up meeting some long lost friends. We all used to be really close however after we moved away we kind of drifted apart. Yes - we stayed in contact but its different when you live 50 km apart instead of just down the road. Unfortunately meeting them was somewhat uncomfortable. Its like we don't have anything in common anymore. I asked my mum as we left them - Is it us or them???? lol

The rest of my weekend was spent chilling at home and relaxing. The weekend goes by too quickly and before you know it - its back to the grind of getting through the week....

Sooo Pretty

Happy Valentines Day

I always used to dread Valentines Day. Until I met Sweets. From the first year that him and I have been together, he has always gone out of his way to make it sweet and special. Yes its a corny day and a huge marketing gimmick but who cares in the spirit of love and being loved A very gorgeous Valentines Day to everyone out there.

I had a fleeting thought to last year. I was alone and my sweet brother bought me a teddy bear and choccies just to make up I think for all the miserableness I was going through at that time. Although I felt a tad bit miserable, I think I mentally prepared myself for the fact that on the day when millions of people declare their undying love, I was going through a traumatic and emotional breakup. But enough said about the past. It is over and we have moved on from that weird and confused time.

So to my beloved Sweets aka T, HAPPY VALENTINES DAY my sweet angel. The last few months have been pretty idyllic. We have been through some pretty tough times and I can safely say that we have overcome all the obstacles and as a result become so much more closer. I can't wait to start our life together and even though at times I am terrified of the future I am confident that we can make it work. Thanks for always being there for me, for holding my hand when things get tough, for putting up with my tantrums, for giving me reasons to smile each day and for just being there. But most of all Thank You for being YOU.....

Puppets

Aaahh the joy's of being a puppet......

Truths About Me

I was born on the 21st of April 1982, and I am 25 years old. I am a Taurean and you know what they say about Taurus people. They are so conceited that they firmly believe they were put on this earth for a purpose…. .lol

I have lived in JHB all my life.

I think that my childhood was something that movies are made off and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

I absolutely love anything blue. Pink is also a firm fav, but blue is blue.

I love sunflowers, Gerbera's are also pretty.

I am a list maker. I love making lists about everything. It helps me to remember

I tend to have trouble making decisions with regards to my personal life, work etc. I think it’s a fear of change

I love thunderstorms

I absolutely love Jeans – I can live in them

I am prone to throwing trantrums – I think its cos I am rather spoilt. I wonder how Sweets puts up with it.

I love BMW’s

Greys Anatomy and Desperate Housewives are my fav TV shows. They can keep me
entertained. It used to be FRIENDS – but that’s over now. I still enjoy watching re-runs though

How to lose a guy in 10 days is my all time favourite movie. I have other fav’s too.

I love pasta –any pasta as long as its pasta

I love to cook – create little masterpieces in the kitchen. I love to bake too.

I can get very impatient at times especially with slow, dof people.

I was a really wild teen. But it was good clean fun – nothing of the crap that kids get up to these days.

I don’t have any grandparents. I think it would have been cool to have them around now.

I always end up listening to peoples problems. I think people seek me out to tell me their problems and to be honest I don’t really mind.

I have an Honours Degree in Psychology – Go Figure

I often wonder if I will be a good mother.

I am a perfectionist which can be a bit frustrating at times.

I failed my learners twice – it’s an embarrassment I know.

I don’t have a relationship with my dad. Its makes me sad sometimes but I always see it as his loss as he is missing on important milestones and events in my life.

My mum on the other hand is the centre of my world. I look up to her and she is like my best friend.

I have two brothers who are younger than me – we are all very close. The past few years have been a true test of our relationship and I am glad that the end result is what we have today.

I have a belly ring.

I love lip gloss sometimes to the point of addiction. Soft Lips are my favourite brand.

I love making collages with photos and scraps from old magazines.

I love surf brands, billabong is my fav.

Denim – soooo love it

At 17 I honestly thought I would die of a broken heart. I idolized someone who felt he had the right to play with my feelings. Its funny how as one grows older those same traits that you once found endearing are actually quite irritating. It feels good to know that he still after all these years can’t get it together.

I love whole nut chocolate, Ferraro's and Lindt are just as yummy

I am terrified of creepy crawlies.

I get car sick easily – this happens on carnival rides as well.

I love walking on the beach and often wonder what I am doing living in Joburg when I would so love living by the ocean.

I tend to overanalyze things sometimes to death.

During an argument I will want to analyse what, how, why etc and discuss the issue. Only than can I move past it. It doesn’t always work that way and ive learnt that sometimes its best to keep your mouth shut.

I am a very organized person and I love things to be organized, clean and neat.

I love blogging. I have had a journal since I was in school but blogging is cooler

At 15 I lost one of closest friends in a motorcar accident. It was sad and tragic.

I had my first real boyfriend at 16. I was young, naïve and impressionable. He was older than me and a huge flirt. It was a memorable experience.

Sweets and I had this huge dramatic break up last year. Even though it was hard and traumatic and left me in an emotional wreck – I am glad with the person that I have become.

I have a little Jack Russel and her name is Pixie. She is soooo adorable.

I went to an all girl’s school. I don’t think I will send my children to single sex schools.

I often worry about the future. I think it’s about wanting everything to be perfect.

I enjoy organizing stuff for people, its sooo cool watching it all come together.

I always end up making people laugh with my witty comments and banter.

I love the smell of freshly baked bread and cut grass…. Hmmm Heaven

I have a thing about stationery. I have pens, gel pens, cute pens, funny pens and highlighters and anything pretty. I just love stationery. When the school year starts I also go stationery shopping and a little part of me wishes I were still in school.

Hugo Boss is my fav perfume. I have other favs too.

I love brands – designer labels. I must admit that I get the really cheap ones from factory shops and end up looking like a designer girl….

I wonder if I will ever find the perfect job.

I tend to lose concentration very quickly. So if you want to keep me interested, it better be interesting otherwise my mind will wander off.

I talk a lot. I was told once that I should have my own talk show.

I love bubblegum and have a habit at blowing bubbles.

I love being creative and wish that I could draw and paint.

I think I am in the wrong industry and sometimes wonder if I studied the right thing. Although I totally enjoyed what I studied.

I absolutely love Nando’s. I can eat it any day.

My hands and feet are always cold.

Im a socks person. I love socks and will put on a pair of socks the minute I get home. Its cos my feet are always cold. I even keep socks in my bag.

I have never ever broken a bone

My job forces me to dress very corporate every day. I don’t like it but I have to make an impression right. I prefer jeans to smart formal clothes.

I think I have road rage. I can’t help if other people cant drive.

I say Puppy Slush instead of Slush Puppy and Soda Crème instead of Crème Soda.

I absolutely love cupcakes and chocolate chip cookies. My own recipes of course.

I bake a mean chocolate cake with yummy yummy chocolate sauce and icing.

I’ve had weird illnesses like tick bite fever and warts on my foot that had to be surgically removed.

I’m moody sometimes and get irritated very easily

I don’t like one specific type of music. If it sounds nice I will listen to it.

I think that I am rather easy to please

I don’t really wear make-up. Eyeliner and the occasional mascara and lip gloss are my make-up. I usually wear lipstick for special occasions.

I wonder if I will ever be able to live on my own. I feel very lonely when I am alone for long periods and need people around me

I love taking walks around the area where I live. I love looking at peoples gardens that are done up beautifully and I absolutely love walking in the dried crunched up leaves as winter approaches. It is therapeutic.

I love Nik Naks and Flings

I would love to have my own coffee shop or restaurant one day.

I sometimes have bursts of energy to do something really exciting and end up losing interest really quickly.

I sometimes say things from favorite movies or TV series in real life contexts.

I love Coca Cola

I suffer from Hay Fever

There is nothing that a panado can’t cure.

I love reading Postsecret. It makes me realize that we are all human

I love Summer.

I love taking photos

I would love to write short stories or even a novel - hmmm a girl can dream cant she

I dont actually know why I did this post. But I must admit it was interesting writing things down about me.

Sleepy

Its Monday afternoon, boy am I glad that this day is almost over. After lunch I honestly felt like I was going to pass out. I had this tired, drained feeling and all I wanted to do was find a bed and sleep. I slept badly last night - in fact I don't know what was wrong with me. I went to bed at a reasonable hour and than tossed and turned and didn't sleep a wink until freaking 1am. It's frustrating lying awake in the dead quiet of the night as the hours roll by and you realise that you have to be up for work in a couple of hours. And the fact that Sweets and I had some minor disagreement didn't help much. I felt tortured....

Tomorrow is my mum's birthday and I got her the spa vouchers. I am so chuffed. It was a bit expensive - but who cares, my mum so deserves it. I so love spoiling her. I so hope that she likes it.

I met my long lost friend S yesterday. I made her come and visit me and even though it was for a short while - it was fun. The two of us share so many memories that it was great to sit and reminisce about long way back. She was my shoulder to cry on when I would rock up at her door with teenage angst and tears and misery written all over my face. I really missed her when I moved away from the little dorpie that I grew up in and it was lovely seeing her again. I have caught up with her during the past few years, but it's different when you live far away. Anyway it was great seeing her again and after a good few laughs she was on her way home. I must admit though that hearing all the gossip and skinder stories kind of made me feel a little disgusted. But that is what small town people do. They sit at home and gossip about everyone. Something that is soooo beyond me....

That said - I hope that this week goes by much better than the last. I'm crossing my fingers about a certain something - just hope it works....

Jumping to Conclusions

I came in to work this morning and it was as if this dark cloud settled over me. I ended up having an argument with Sweets and than ended up fighting with my mum. I was miserable. I had like a ton of things to do and lo and behold to add to my mood my first meeting went as pear-shaped as can be. The Clueless Lady who is supposed to do all my admin, the clueless, crazy one messed up the appointment. I was so embarrassed and apologised profusely. Luckily the lady who were meeting is one of the nicest execs and she was so fine with it. But still, talk about credibility gone wrong.

The rest of the morning's meetings went fine at least. However I came back to my desk only to find an email from someone that really ticked me off. I think I was about to burst into tears. I was feeling overwhelmed and irritated and the mounting pressure to complete everything before I move is getting to me. I decided to take some time out and went for lunch with girls from my department and at least when we came back I was feeling better.

I came to a funny conclusion today. I think my boss deliberately encouraged me to apply for positions in order to get rid of me. The reason - I have heard through the grapevine and to be honest the going on's of late is making me think that the grape vine is spot on for once. She has someone in mind for her position. She is grooming a successor - a mere nobody who started in our department not even a year ago. She is loud and overbearing and clueless. I don't really care, I don't even know if I would have wanted her job should she have left but I have been here for a really long time, have built a credible reputation and practically know the processes in and out. I did find it funny when my boss decided to discuss future career plans with me. When I voiced my concerns and fears and wanting more of a challenge she jumped at the chance to encourage me to apply. I found it strange that all of a sudden she was encouraging me to apply when every time I applied for positions internally she fought tooth and nail to get me to stay by offering me more money, more senior positions and even the odd blocking of applications. So why suddenly was she so happy for me to apply and gain exposure and get more experience.

Yes ok, if it wasnt for her I probably would have still been sitting on my fat behind procrastinating about what to do, where to go and all the time complaining my lungs about the department that I work in. So I should thank her. She has earmarked her friend, someone who she headhunted from somewhere else to succeed her. Well whatever - I think that it is in poor taste my boss has gone out of her way to get rid of all the people who have shown potential and have the ability and credibility to be future managers. Sucks I know.

That said - The overwhelming feelings today made me feel all loserish and full of doubts and recriminations. It's made me cranky and miserable and I have ended up taking things out on Sweets. I wonder how he even puts up with me. I ended up having doubts about him which is so not how I feel. I just hope that the stresses that have been plaguing me for the past few days can dissipate and leave me to concentrate on what really matters.

I must admit that lunch away from the office was really good and it made me boost my spirits and feel human again. Not to mention that my 4 'o Clock meeting went off perfectly and things are looking brighter again......

Suckers

Being ill makes me think of these:

Rant and Rave

I feel as though I am sifting through this mass of emotions, cases of losers, feelings of uncertainty, joy, happiness and confusion all rolled into one. It's like dealing with admin but only this is Life Admin. I need to focus on the important stuff and kind of forget the little niggly's and buggings.

I feel that there is so much to do before I leave here. Also the pressure doesn't seem to be letting up and things are just mounting. I have tons of deadlines and funny enough, now that I know that I am leaving it's as though everything irritates me and I can't wait to leave. I don't want to slack and not be on top of things. Than I have one staff member who makes Donald Duck look intelligent. She is so giddy and strange. I am shocked at her lack of knowledge. When we interviewed her, she assured us that she was proficient on all the Microsoft packages, had done admin tasks before etc. However she doesn't even know what CC on email is. One has to repeat tasks to her 10 times and half the time she is running around like crazy trying to get things done. Yes I know, she needs patience and coaching and mentoring - but we hired someone to do admin, she is highly educated in terms of a degree but there is nothing to show for it. I try and have patience with her, explain things to her - but you can imagine my frustration at showing her something 10 times and she still gets it all wrong...

To be quite honest - I cant wait to leave here. Its like everything just irritates me. All I ever do is complain.....

Musings

I think I have been bitten by the Flu gremlin. You know when your throat feels scratchy and you have this weird feeling where your body aches and all you want to do is crawl into bed and never get up. I feel like that. I sooo don't like feeling ill.

My weekend was nice - nothing too spectacular but it was nice. I went to watch the movie 27 DRESSES yesterday. It was charming and did I mention that I absolutely love Katherine Heigl. I think she is just too pretty and I absolutely just love her.... I probably sound weird.

It's my mum's birthday next week and I want to get her a spa treatment package. They have gorgeous one's at Mangwanani. I really want to spoil her for her birthday and their packages seem so gorgeous and decadent.

I wish this day were over already cos all I want to do is go home.....

Oh and it's Grey's Anatomy tonight - Yipppppppeeeeee

Desperate Housewives

Only Episode One and You wonder how You survived all this time without them.....

OR HIM