I feel as though I am on a rollercoaster that is dipping and turning and twisting at lighting speed and all I am trying to do is hold on for dear life. The dippings and turnings and twists are all the emotional feelings that I am having at the moment and honestly speaking I just want it to end. I sometimes feel like I am bordering on the brink of a depressive like state and I am really clinging to the hope that this horrible feelings and uncertainty will come to an end soon. It's hard being optimistic in a world that is filled with cynicsm and hate.

So T fetched me on Monday evening. His plans that he was going on about the whole week was dinner at Vilamoura. The whole dining experience was stunning and everything was perfect except that the entire evening was somewhat bittersweet. An anniversary is supposed to mark the day of your union and to celebrate the love that is shared between a couple. Well what was there to celebrate? The fact that we are apart and have this huge barrier of issues between us leaves nothing to celebrate. Anyway we spoke at length about all the issues and I was honest and upfront with him. He keeps alluding to the fact that I don't want to come home. I told him that I am not ready to come home, am really scared to trust him and need some kind of confirmation that whatever happened over the past few months will not happen again. Well we agreed to take one day at a time and take things slowly.

The evening ended for me on really low note. While it was great to re-connect I felt like Cinderella returning home from the ball when I got home. Yes the evening was great and sweet and I was impressed by the effort that he put into the evening but as he dropped me off, I was assaulted by the harsh reality that him and I are apart. I know that we agreed to take one day at a time and I know that I am not ready to trust him or even go back home to him. If I do go back and decide to give this another shot, I don't want to go back with baggage and doubt. It wont be fair to me or him. However the doubts niggle at me constantly and since we are apart I find this one day at a time really crappy territory. How do we work on a marriage when we are apart and although going back is an option, to work on our issues together there are still other issues like his family that need to be resolved.

I feel that T doesn't really understand the true reasons why I left. Or he understands the reasons but doesn't really want to take responsiblity for his actions that led me to leave in the first place. He blames me for leaving and says that I shouldn't have left, and marriage is all about for better or for worse. I keep reminding him that the situation became too hard for me to bear and I didn't just leave at the first sign of trouble. He admits to having a part in all of this crap but I am grappling with the fact that if he can't see how his actions or his family's interference in our marriage led to this, the chances of this happening again are pretty high. Although he seems remorseful and wants to make right, I keep questioning his sincerity and whether he really wants me back or if he is just fulfilling his father's wishes. Also he confessed to feeling torn and in between and he said that eventually them complaining about me all the time just became too much for him to handle. However that needs to be addressed cos they can begin with issues at any time and than all this will start all over again. I know that I need to take a stand and say what I feel and what I want. In that way he can know my feelings and if he wants to stand up and fight for this marriage than he needs to prove it. Right now we are skirting around issues and pretending to chat and laugh and make idle banter when what are we going to do sort out the issues that surround us and make this marriage work. I feel that for him just a phone call is enough whereas since we are married and not just dating there should be more we can do to repair the rift. I questioned him on Wednesday night when he called me at 11pm after not a word from him the entire day. What about spending time together, going for coffee, the movies or just doing random things. I feel very insecure and uncertain and am not sure if I can even trust him. Honestly speaking I get the feeling that T is stalling. Stalling about the baby, the holidays, his family, unable to make a decision???? Not sure. On the one hand he is there talking and trying to repair the damage but on the other hand, there are times when the defenses are up and the hard exterior is up again.

I feel in conflict with myself. Do I take the one day at a time approach and see where that leads to or do I take the bull by the horns, tell him exactly what I want and gage his reaction from there. Honestly speaking the one day at at time approach is driving me pretty nuts. Than there is the issue of me feeling torn between my family and him. On the one hand there is my marriage and the vows that I took and on the other hand there is my family who are insistent that I should just call it a day and move on. How do I throw away 8 years of history. Yes that history is pretty colourful, but whose history isn't. I am just so tired of all this crap. I feel so conflicted in the sense that even though he hurt me and damaged the trust that I had in him, there is still this part of me that cares very deeply for him.

Decisions and more decisions. I keep praying and hoping that whatever happens must be for the betterment (not sure if that is even a word, but it makes sense to me right now) of myself. I am not prepared to go through what I went through these past few months. If T cannot see it than fine with me. I won't settle for second best. I feel quite strongly about certain things, I am just weary about vocalizing them.

I feel really sad at times that things are like this. I never in my wildest dreams thought that things would come to this. T and I always got each other but suddenly I am faced with him being a total stranger and a stranger that I don't like. I feel sad that I got married and made a life with T in good faith and all those plans were ruined. I feel angry that his mother and sister a.k.a The Vipers get to get away with this. They have been the reason that the dad has had several altercations with different people; family and friends. So now it's my turn. I feel angry and disillusioned at T, who I thought was different but who has ended up disappointing me to such a large degree. I am such a mixed bag of emotions and most days are filled with screw-ups, fuck-ups, decisions and paralysing fear.

Why is the question. The reason the Almighty knows. But the questions still remain.....

Terrified

A year ago today I woke up to walk down the aisle and become Mrs T. When I said my I do's and signed the Nikah certificate, little did I know that a year down the line, I would be back home and wondering what the fuck happened and where did it all go so wrong. A month and a half ago when I came back, I was dreading the day. I planned to take the day off, take a sleeping pill and spend the day in sleep induced oblivion. About a week ago I decided that screw it, I will come to work and block out the day. As the sun rises and sets on a normal day, so too will the sun rise and set on the 14th of December 2009.

I have been pleasantly surprised since last week when T began calling. Suddenly in all the banter and chit chat and making plans for today. I am not sure what he's got planned (not sure if it's anything worth getting excited about) and although my tummy is filled with butterflies I can't help but feel a little apprehensive that it all might just go pear-shaped and come crashing down like a pack of cards. I am scared, terrified, a lil excited and worried. I want to be able to resolve some issues, not sure if I should take things in bite sized chunks or take the bull by the horns and address all the issues. I just don't want things to turn out into a huge fight.

I am surprised that he is even making plans. My family is not convinced and are quite unhappy. I don't blame them. T has hurt me in such vile ways these past few months so I understand their misgivings. Infact I have misgivings of my own. I am scared and terrified and I know that there are underlying issues that need to be addressed or resolved and I am hoping against hoping that we will be able to resolve these issues and come to some sort of compromise or whatever one calls it. Do I bite the bullet and address them all tonight or do I take the baby steps and resolve them one issue at a time. The latter sounds like a better option to me. Besides the last thing I want to do is lay blame and accuse. I just want him to understand and make him aware of what's what. If he cannot compromise and understand than fine, at least I know that I have tried.

I am terrified.....

Balloons

Create Understanding

So I am functioning on very little sleep. T decided to call me at 11:00 and we only put the phone down at 1:15. Gosh I am tired. We spoke about stuff, but we really didn't get into the real dynamics of our issues which are his family. How do I broach that subject? I don't want to sound accusatory but I want him to understand how their feelings and issues towards me ultimately led to the problems between us. He keeps asking when am I coming home? Well that would depend solely on whether things have changed or not. I don't want to go back and all the same issues are still present and I still have to pressurise myself into pleasing everybody.

I am grappling with how to put these things on the table and make him understand. I don't want to sound as though I am accusing him or blaming him. I just want to create understanding. Ideally I would prefer us to get our own place, away from his family. I am not sure if that is even possible, since we have this home but there are just too many complications being there. I need to really sit down and decide what about being there used to make me miserable. I cannot go back to live there and do the same things.

Maybe since we talking we need to identify what led to all this in the first place. Yes there is the baby issue but there were many other issues that led to where we are right now. I am worried about doing the right thing. I don't want to accept the newfound attention and ending up at square one a few months down the line or fail at making him understand how I feel and let all this go without really trying. As my therapist said - I need to know that I have exhausted all avenues. Cos the last thing a person wants is to live with regret. All I want is for T to understand where I am coming from. I for one am not saying that I am blameless, yes maybe I was too rigid and maybe I did take his feelings or wants for granted. I don't want to repeat the same mistakes again.

I'm going to try and list all the things that upset me about him and the life that we led for the last year and I would like him to do the same. Hopefully we can achieve some sort of common ground and understanding through that. I will try and try and hope for the best. That is the only way. I think!!!!

The Present

If ever I knew the meaning of the word blue Monday, it was yesterday. I woke up feeling really drained and the early morning sugar rush just left me feeling really crappy. And than the phone call when I got to work which really, really unnerved me. Yes T called wanting to see me. I was hard-assed, he was hard-assed and the entire conversation just sucked. He needs to see me about signing some papers. Nothing serious, just him wanting to sell his car which fortunately or unfortunately happens to be on my name. I agreed to see him in the afternoon since I was busy in the morning, so the entire day was spent in tense anxiety wondering how to act and how not to act. Well he didn't come and by the end of the day I was so tense that my entire body ached and all I wanted was my bed.

He called last night and I chose to rather stay away from any serious topics. He wants me to come back home, keeps telling me about all the stuff he's done etc etc etc. I just evaded the questions and it was more idle chit chat than anything else. I cannot remember when last T and I had a conversation like that. Lately it's all just been about fights and issues and drama. I guess repairing our relationship first is a start but am really not sure where his family still fits into all of this. I'm not gonna think to much of anything cos T can be all sweet and nice the one minute and nasty again the next. He has hurt me so much in these past few months and trusting him is really shaky ground for me.

However, it felt good last night to banter and chat like old times. I guess focusing on the present is more important than the future. I can feel the what if's brewing. Im gonna try to ignore them at best I can. The present - that's all I need to focus on now!

Giving up and staying positive

Today's been a weird day. I woke up with a sense of feeling and emotion and instead of feeling emotionally incapacitated, I felt like I had made a decision. The knife turning, gut wrenching feeling still persists but it's not too bad, or rather I am not dwelling on it too much. I cannot guarantee that I will still feel like this tomorrow, but I am living for the moment and just feeling like this is so much better than being in the depths of despair.

After a week from hell, I have decided to leave things as they are and see what happens. Nothing I do or say carries any weight and it is just adding to my stress levels. So T called on Monday after a confrontation between other parties on Sunday night. He wanted to talk and wanted me to go home so we could sort out our issues, as he so candidly put it. Well I refused to go there and made him come to me. We spoke and discussed issues at length. He seemed sad, apologetic and remorseful. He said he missed me, wanted me back home blah, blah, blah. I say blah, blah, blah cos this music to my ears moment was pretty shortlived. I refused to go home, saying that we had to start from scratch and we both made a conscious decision to take baby steps and see where that took us. Oh that was not to be. Instead of his family allowing us to make our own decisions and follow our own path towards recovery, they again made it about themselves and put down a whole lot of conditions for when I go back. Conditions that will ensure me becoming the maid around there.

I called T on Tuesday morning and very openly told him that there was no point in him and I trying to salvage our relationship cos I refuse to abide or live upto those conditions. He refused to see reason saying that we would cross that bridge when we got to it. Like hell and by Wednesday T was back to his hard-assed, tough exterior that contributed to our many arguments these past few months. T admitted to his mother and sister telling him shit about me and him trying to defend me but eventually it just became too much. He admitted to feeling torn and in the middle between us. He promised me that he has told them that whatever issues they have or do have in the future with me, they must sort it out with me. That's fair enough but I need to know that T as my husband will be there for me, to have my back and to defend me should they start with their shit again. I don't know if he is capable of that. I eventually called him on Wednesday and told him that maybe we need to get a place of our own instead of living next door to his family. After explaning my reasoning why, he agreed to think about it. Honestly speaking that probably wont ever happen and I have no intention of giving in to their demands so the fact that this might very well be the end of the road for T and I is a huge possibility. Seeing him after 3 weeks on Monday was like a breath of fresh air. The butterflies still persisted when he pulled me close to him and kissed me. I tried to be hard, to show him I was hurting. I could see that he was hurting too. But that spark is still there and I feel sad to think that all our excitement of making a life together is destroyed by his mother and sister.

I can't believe that T and I are not together because of his mother and sister. I have been trying to piece together the puzzle and somehow it all fits. They are the reason why we are in this situation today. It's only been about them and it still continues to be about them. The conditions are for their own gain and T the puppet sits on and watches and choruses with them. In that case, I am better off where I am. Yes, I still miss him and I still long for him and wonder what's he doing but I cannot make the sacrifice that they are expecting from me. They expect me to go shopping with them every weekend, cook for all their masses on a weekend or who knows when and to be there at all times whenever all the massess are around. What am I to them - A fucking slave. Who lives like this in today's day and age? Until T becomes the man he is supposed to be and tells them all to fuck off cos I am his wife, there for him and not them, will my life be that of a maid there. It saddens me that he cannot fight for me and since Wednesday there is only silence. He hasn't called nothing. I know for a fact that his family is putting him against me and honestly speaking there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. As he so candidly puts it - they are his blood. In that case I can't. On Monday he was remorseful and sad, Tuesday he was begging me to come back home and by Wednesday the arrogant demeanour which has become so familiar was back again. He believes he told me to come back home and I don't want to so it's again all my fault. So what happened to the baby steps (his words), and the trying again from scratch????

I feel sad that things have to turn out like this, but what about my life and my wants and needs. They are selfish bunch who only want to control and do things their way. Well I wont be treated like that, so I have to give up. Believe me it's not what I want, but I know that I wont be able to meet those expectations. They not willing to budge and T is too dumb or weak to see it from my point and so here I am.

I have decided to leave things as they are. I cannot still stay married and live in my mother's house forever so something, somewhere, somehow will have to give. I am not going to call him and I am not sure if he will call me. I think its best that I keep quiet and see what happens. I can only hope that it will be a positive outcome but sitting in hope for that day to come will not be very wise cos it might never happen.

Do I sound positive - I am trying

Do I still love him - yes very much

Do I still want him - Yes.

Is this the end of our love story - I don't know ???? Only time will tell....

I am so tired

I miss the way life was, or could be. I miss being happy. I miss loving. I miss wanting to touch or be touched. I miss being treated right, asked rather than told. I miss being thought of as smart. I miss being listened to, being heard, talked to rather than screamed at. I miss my feelings being considered, not disregarded. I miss having my opinion count, being able to ask a question, being able to talk without trying to figure out how I should sound to not anger.

I miss my best friend!!!

I think its too late. Too much has been done and said. Too many other people's emotions and too many angered words. I left thinking that maybe the situation will be fixed. Im scared it can't be fixed, or that I am so angry, hurt, and broken, that I don't want it to be fixed. I want quiet, yet want to scream. I want to dance and see no fear, hear no tears. I want to stomp, not tiptoe. I want to cry, so that I can laugh. I want to know why and where to from here?

I miss you, I don't. I love you, but there is a huge BUT that comes thereafter. Why won't you fight for me? Why won't you stand up and be the man I thought you were. Is this how our love story ends?

I am so tired.....