Awful Feelings

I feel awful. I'm not really sure why I feel so terrible I just do. It could be because of:

• being stuck in my office on my lonesome while the rest of the world is off on some or other holiday.
• T is going to Durban today and I am going to miss him
• I really need some me time.
• I had a silly argument with my mother.
• that everyone at this moment is driving me nuts and I just want to be on my own.
• that it's the weekend and I have no specific plans
• that I really wish I were on some great location on holiday with no worries about work and the like
• My mind is a whirlwind of wedding thoughts and ideas and I don't really know where to begin.
• that my cuz is an ungrateful bitch (long story)
• that I just feel totally deflated and exhausted and really cant wait to get home.
• that i am really hating my job and feel as though I am stuck in a rut.

All I want to do is go home and flop into bed........ I am exhausted.!

Pictures

I am at work and I am really trying to concentrate and get some work done when I really would like to be at home chilling, doing nothing.....

Pics of Pretty Presents that I got for my birthday....

My week in a blur

What a week this has been. I almost called in sick this morning out of sheer exhaustion. The only thing that is making me feel a tad bit better is that next week is going to be just great with all the holidays. I have spent the better part of this week at one of our other offices with this cow of a woman who felt that she had every right to undermine my ability as well as my knowledge. Until she met me that is. Suddenly she was being so nice and even indirectly apologised for her fussy ways. I was irritated nonetheless. At least I wont have to see her for a long time. Thank heavens for that.

Monday was my birthday. Pity that I had to work and work really hard. But the day was fine. I was too tired from the weekend to do anything and Monday's are usually really hard for me and I really didn't want to do anything except chill. And that is what T and I did. It was cool. Shame he had planned to take me out for lunch but because I was so swamped at work I couldn't. And the rest of the week has just gone by in a work and stress filled blur.

I did think back to LAST YEAR where my BIRTHDAY was filled with lies, pain, deceit and far-fetched stories that made me to think that my life was totally over. I sometimes wonder who was conspiring against T and I, cos to be honest it was the interference from other sources that really caused havoc. Not to mention the slutty girl who thought that T was fair game the minute she heard him and I were broken up and tried very hard to get him to marry her. Anyway that is the past but there are times when I am transported back to that horrible place. I am just like that where I will think back and say last year this time I was doing this or that. It's not living in the past, it's just measuring where I was and what I was doing compared to where I am right now. But I don't like to dwell too much on the past as it kind of hampers on the future.

I had an interview at some company today. I withdrew my application. The position is for a graduate person and the salary they are offering is the same as what I am currently on. I did inform the agency through which I applied about the salary issue. Her answer was that yes even if they give you a small increase its fine they will maybe increase it after 6 or 12 months. Ummmm I don't think so. Than I might as well stay here. Besides all the duties listed in the job spec are stuff that I have done ages ago and actually outgrew. Soooo I withdrew - she wasn't too thrilled with me. But agencies are like that - they really annoy me at times.

I am still very much in the job market but it is so slow at the moment and I just feel that I can be picky about what I want to do. So I hope that something comes up soon - cos I don't think I want to stay here and be everyone's skivvy. This past week was rather challenging and to be honest I love a challenge however this lady that I had to deal with is one of the most difficult people I know and she really doesn't bend an inch. It is frustrating and it made me feel very undermined and inferior.

I have a pile of admin to do - Better get cracking.

Happy Birthday

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME

Small Minded People

What is it with small town people and small mindedness. I guess at some point I was also probably like that. I grew up in a small little town about 30 min from Johannesburg. I guess the advantage that I had - was that because my mum had a business in the city we were still exposed to the big big world.

We moved away from this small town a few years ago and my my how the goalposts have changed. People that we were close friends with for what seemed like forever suddenly seem alien in their thinking. What was important to us was not important to them and vice versa. When we see them or chat on the phone it is as if they have stayed back in time and we have evolved into different people. I am not saying this in an arrogant way I am just basically highlighting the differences between people who I have grown up with and how far apart our lives have become.

I know that people change and we all grow and evolve. I often wonder what my life would have been like had we not moved away. Yes I often reminisce about my childhood but to be quite honest I am glad that I moved away and got to experience life as it is. If I had stayed in this small town I wouldn't know:

What it's like to live 5 minutes away from Eastgate. Shopping comes first. lol

I probably wouldn't have met T and would have been oh so hung up on my ex.

I probably would have been married now with a kid or two in tow.

I wouldn't know what its like to actually sacrifice and go without. An experience that has not only made me stronger but has taught me to value what I have today.

I wouldn't share this close bond with my mum and brothers.

I wouldn't have known what it's like to own a home at 23.

I wouldn't know how to appreciate having that home as it is a result of having nothing and working towards having something.

I wouldn't know how to appreciate all that I have and know that there are times when days are dark but it is the love and strength of relationships that can make it all seem better and help one pull through.

I wouldn't know that the people who you think are your closest allies are actually your biggest enemies.

I wouldn't be the strong independant woman that I am today.

Back to my topic of small-mindedness - I think its a townie thing. Their lives are governed by small talk, petty little happenings, who did what, who said this and who is scandalizing with who. I was probably like this too at some point in my life - but boy am I glad that my life is not ruled by gossip and idle country bumpkin chit chat. A thought that is just too horrible to fathom.

Clueless

Clueless That is ME

I just feel so clueless at the moment. What colour do I want. What dress do I want. What kind of centrepieces do I want. I don't really know. There is a whole rainbow of colour and I am totally clueless.

I have some ideas and some vague sketches in my mind but than I go and see something else and than I like that.

Pink and Silver / Gold.
Yellow with Orange or Green and White.
Yellow is the colour trend for 2008 - hmmmm

I absolutely love Sunflowers and Gerbera's..... The Gerbera colours are stunning and would be so fresh for summer.

Options, Options and more Options - its all making me a bit dizzy.

I went and had a look at the venue that I won in the competition. I hated it. And what made it worse is the lady who is actually the owner was most unaccomodating and actually went as far as to say that she really didn't think that an Indian girl would win it. Her prize was catered more towards the "White" market. I was totally flabbergasted - Ummm Hello you are Indian yourself you cow. She was unaccomodating and her whole attitude just put me off.

Well so much for that - I really didn't like it and what she was offering was really beyond unreasonable. I was on the verge of tears on Sunday evening. I honestly thought that I wasn't going to find another venue. I went and saw 2 about 2 weeks ago and when I won the prize, I assumed that all my venue woes were over. I was stressing that those venues would be taken. Well I called on Tuesday and they are not taken. The one is really beautiful but it is not complete as in fully built. They still have to put in bathrooms and a roof. I am a bit skeptical about that as what happens if they don't finish in time. So it looks like it's going to be the one I saw first. It really is beautiful.

The rest of the prizes seem to be coming along nicely and everyone has been very accomodating and excited to get the ball rolling - except for The Cow who thinks she is Miss high and mighty.

I just wish I weren't so clueless about what colour I want??????

Paper Paper and More Paper

My once orderly workspace now taken over by enough paper to make a mini forest feel depressed.....

Grrrrr

Nice and not so nice

I am loving:
The fact that I love T more than ever and I can't wait to be his wife.

The gorgeous feeling of lying in his arms.

Learning new stuff about T, that just makes me smile.

That I won a huge amount of money towards my wedding and I cant contain my excitement at spending towards planning my wedding.


I am really not liking:
The fact that my new postion is more of a glorified administrator than that of a strategic manager it's supposed to be.

That I am doing admin work and I hate it.

That my desk looks like an avalanche of paper and the more I try to file it all away the more it accumulates

The fact that I am sooo tired or more like exhausted.

That it's almost Winter and I don't like Winter

My childhood friend that is so superficial

I have lots to be grateful for, these are just the minor irritants that get to me some days....

Cloud Number 9

I keep thinking that I am in a dream. I am in a surreal sort of space and I keep having to remind myself that this is actually true. Whatever happened yesterday did actually happen.

I won THE WEDDING EXPO - WIN A WEDDING competition. I can't freaking believe it. I was so overwhelmed and excited and oh so chuffed. The prize is worth R45 500.00 and it includes the a dress, car hire, venue hire, wedding co-ordinator services, suit hire, the cake, Rings etc etc etc. This is like a dream come true.

The way in which I won is something that was mean't to be. It seriously is called destiny. The competition was being held together with the Pretoria Times and my aunt who lives there pulled out the entry forms and actually gave it to my cuz (the one that's also getting married this year and told her to pass the one on to me). Well we were at the expo yesterday and my cuz left early so she handed the newspaper pull outs to me and told me to enter. One had to be present at the expo at 3pm when the draw was supposed to take place. So I thought well i'm here, I do want to watch the 3pm fashion show - why not.

Than came the obstacles -

• One had to have both entry forms to enter - Check! My cuz had left and now I had both entry forms. Yippee

• It had to be pasted onto the back of an envelope, together with contact details - I didn't have an envelope and how was I going to stick it on without any glue or sticky tape.

If ever the saying WHERE THERE'S A WILL THERE'S A WAY - it was this situation. I went over to the information desk and asked them if they had an envelope for me. They didn't. I rummaged through my bag and only came up with a old letter that I had received some time ago. These girls at the info counter gave me a piece of paper and we made a makeshift envelope. Now the task of tearing out the entry forms neatly and pasting them onto the makeshift envelope. We folded the forms and tried pasting them with Softlips and than I tried Lipstick - nothing worked. I think by now I was so caught up in the moment - i was in a frenzy. I told my mum to help me gather up everything and we going to look if one of the stalls have sticky tape or even prestik. As we were zooming through the aisle through a sea of people, I told my mum - keep a lookout for a stall with a stapler.

And there it was - in the dress suit stall, a shiny silver stapler just waiting for me. I went up to the guy who was manning the stall and politely asked if I could use the stapler. He was only too happy to let me use it. I stapled my entry forms onto the paper, used like a dozen staples and traipsed back to the info desk to write my details. I than posted the entry form into the box and went to have lunch. The fashion show was starting at 3pm and by 2:30 the place was packed. There was no place left for us to sit so we stood and boy were my feet sore. The wedding gowns that were being showcased were absolutely gorgeous. My feet were in agony and luckily towards the end of the show people started leaving so we grabbed a seat.

And than came the draw. When the guy dug his hand in the box and took out the winning ticket I knew it was mine. All I could think of was there is my entry form on a makeshift envelope with lipstick marks and the smell of Softlips all over it. The guy making the announcment took forever to read out the name and finally it was me walking away with the winning prize. It was absolutely amazing - me that has never won anything ever.....

The prize is awesome - it is going to make all my dreams come true. I was really starting to panic about the cost of the wedding. And than this happened. This is certainly what dreams are made off..... I had a look at the venue on the website - it is absolutely stunning. I still can't believe it. All I wanted to do last night - was scream it out from the top of the highest mountain. I have my Godparents to thank for this. They were the first people that I called - we all met up for supper last night. Everyone couldn't believe it.....

I was walking around in a daze yesterday afternoon, it only sank in after I got home and I really wanted to cry. This gift is going to make all my dreams come true....

Looking Forward

This week has gone by in a blur. I have been so busy, I haven't even had time to read up on other blogs that I enjoy reading. I know being busy is good, but when the busy means printing out enough paper to last a lifetime, faxing documents until the freaking printer/copier/faxer gets stuffed up. That has been my week - seriously I stuffed up the copier twice this week. I think it was some paper load or something.

So that is what my job has come to. To be honest - I acutally miss having staff under me. I know I used to complain about managing staff and getting performance targets out of them - but I do miss them. I miss having team meetings where we get to share and brainstorm ideas. In this department there is a standard meeting every Tuesday and I have never been to it because every week its cancelled. I miss having a team to discuss stuff with. I am working in isolation - I touch base with my boss almost daily but its just different. I miss having a team to oversee. Maybe I was cut out to be in a management role after all. And to think that I thought I would never ever miss having staff under me. Well at least now I know.

I went for an interview this week Wednesday. What a mission to sneak out of the office on the pretext of taking my car to the garage only to trawl along Jan Smuts drive for like an hour because of the load shedding. It was sheer torture and I did contemplate turning back and coming back to the office. Well at least I made it and the interview went really well. It was with an agency, but they were so professional and in half an hour it was over. I am crossing my fingers that I get called back for an interview with the company cos the position seems really nice and it is in my field of what I am qualified to do. I have another interview on Wednesday, this time with the company. I am hoping all goes well. I don't want to continue working for this company. There is just way too many internal political agendas going on at the moment and everyone is feeling very skeptical. I feel bad that if I leave I will have to leave my current boss in the lurch. She is a really nice person, a little clueless at times and not very hands on in the sense of telling me what I need to do - but I don't think she will be very happy if I have to leave. Anyhoo - that's how it is I guess. Ive been here for 4 years. 4 Long years of endless drama - I think enough is enough. I am really crossing my fingers that one of these positions come through.

So T and I have set a date for the 14th of December. I am looking forward to it, the planning and organising and getting it all together. I miss him like crazy when we are not together but there are still some things that scare me shitless. I will definitely miss home. We are a very close-knit family. It is a result of what we went through with my Dad. I know that I will still be able to see them everyday but it wont be the same. I am really going to miss my mum.

I am off to the bridal expo this weekend. I hope I get some nice ideas - really need some inspiration. Now the planning and hopefully the fun begins. My cuz is getting engaged on the 20th of April, one day before my Birthday. I'm so excited for her. I wish her all the happiness, love, peace and contentment. She deserves it.

I have chosen a venue but someone has booked it without paying the deposit. The lady will only be able to tell me today if I can have it. I am crossing my fingers here. I went and saw another place as well. It is this castle sort of venue. Really beautiful - but the main hall is not yet complete. I don't want to take a chance by paying the deposit only to hate the end product or worse yet to find that the construction is incomplete. So I think I will go with the first venue. It is really beautiful, a bit expensive as it is only for the venue with tables and chairs. The price doesn't include crockery, cutlery etc. All that is extra. But it's beautiful and not far from home - so that's what counts.

I am beginning to worry a little about finances. I can't expect for my mum to pay for everything. And things are so pricey today. At least we have a few months to get everything sorted. I'm still stressing a little..... I guess the jittery, nervous feeling is only going to escalate as we near the wedding. I am a perfectionist. I just don't want the whole planning and organising part to be a stress and a drag. It is supposed to be a fun and exciting time and I want to make the most of it....