The Powers that be......

A friend of mine had the following status update on Facebook. As I read it, I felt like she was talking directly to me.....

Yes, All this waiting is probably making you absolultely crazy and yes you are are due for the universe to toss you just one tiny bone. Now, stop whining.

Nothing happens until it's supposed to happen and no matter how hard you try, you can't change that.

Deal with it.....

Emotions

I don't watch a lot of television. I am not sure why, but vegetating infront of the telly is just not something that I do. There are some programmes that I absolutely have to watch but that's about it. One of those programmes is Grey's Anatomy. I absolutely love that show and am so glad that it's back on.

Monday's episode really left me quite rattled. It was all about grief and the stages one goes through when going through a loss or grieving period. Greys always appeals to my emotions, i'm not sure why. There are always profound quotes and experiences that really get me thinking. The end of Monday's episode where the cast were narrating what grief is and how it affectsa human being really got my emotions running:

*Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone.

It isn't just death we have to grieve. It's life. It's loss. It's change.

And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad. The thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime.

That's how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can't breathe, that's how you survive.

By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won't feel this way. It won't hurt this much.

Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way.

So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty.

The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can't control it.

The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes.

And let it go when we can.

The very worst part is that the minute you think you're past it, it starts all over again.

And always, every time, it takes your breath away.

There are five stages of grief. They look different on all of us, but there are always five.

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance*

And that's when I started to cry.....


*Source - www.greysanatomyinsider.com

Try and move on

So, I didn't go. I was planning to go much to the dismay of my family, bought some gorgeous gifts and put it together in a really snazzy, classy get up and didn't end up going. Why cos T couldn't be bothered about me, cos he didn't call and cos I didn't have the guts to go and face his weirdness and strangeness and feel uncomfortable. So this is the end of the road for T and I. Our marriage is over and as much as I didn't want this to happen, it has and I have to deal with it.

T and I had a really huge fight on New Year's eve. We haven't spoken since than. I called him on Friday morning (before the mum called) and he seems very angry with me and the conversation was just iffy. When his mum called, I was quite surprised and I honestly thought that I would make the effort to go. However I really expected T to call me, say something about the invite etc etc etc. He didn't call and things just kind of went downhill from there. I called his mother yesterday morning and told her that I really appreciate the invitation but after much consideration I will not be attending. She didn't ask me why or anything, she just said ok. I than sent an sms to T telling him exactly why I wasn't going to attend and he ignored it. I guess if he really wanted me there, he would have called me. The unfortunate thing is that I don't know what sort of reception T would have given me and the last few months while I was living there T and his sister used to really make me feel very uncomfortable. My point is that the reason why I would have went is because T is my husband, I am not some far distant cousin. If him and I were not married there would be no reason for them to invite me and if he is funny and nasty to me what's the point of going and making the whole family happy. For whose benefit?

So this is it. I expected the dad to call or come and perform with me. He usually does that. I sent him a text as well explaining to him why I wasn't going to attend. I guess whatever must be will be and there is no fighting this anymore. Maybe it really is time for me to see the bus in the road and accept that T doesn't want me. He says he does, says he wants to make a home with me, says that he loves me, says a whole lot of stuff but acts in ways that totally contradict that. The reason why we fought was because he went to Durban for the weekend with his new so called best friends. I was also on holiday, his parents have a holiday home in Durban - if he really wanted to "make right" as he so candidly puts it than he could have taken me and went to Durban. I am still his wife and I was pretty honest with him that morning of the 31st. I told him how I feel and that I am prepared to be a wife to him but I also need something back from him. From Friday's conversation, he is angry about the fight that we had that day and the conversation was just weird. He was pissy that I didn't call him sooner, pissy that I went to Warmbaths for the new year weekend, pissy that I left him, pissy that we apart and just generally iffy and weird.

I just feel that this is the end of the road for us. Nothing positive has happened in these past 2 months. T blames me for eveything and is still angry that I left. For me he has to understand there was a reason that I left. If he can't understand that, than if I go back everything will still be the same. It has to come from him. I don't know how much longer I can wait or handle this. Everyday is a nightmare and I go through the day on autopilot. Deep down in my heart, I still love him and I know that somewhere deep down he is still a good person. But I can't fight this anymore. I give up.

I feel very strongly that there is some reason why this is happening. Some cause that has led to things turning out like this. I felt like this even while I was living there. Even than T would be good to me and than nasty. There were times when I would keep to myself and ignore him and he would want to be loving and sweet and there were times when I really craved his company and attention and he would be cold and aloof. There were times when there would be this blank, confused look in his eyes like he didn't know what to do next. I don't know why but I picked up that he seemed in conflict with himself. Look he has admitted to him feeling torn and in between his mum and sister and me, but I cannot change that. I have never disrespected them and it is upto him to maintain some balance. I still feel that there is something that is causing this. I don't know if he has someone else or is he really torn between me and them and doesn't know how to take a stand and stand up for what he wants. I would like to blame his family, but if I look at the bigger picture here maybe T does have someone else or maybe he has decided that he doesn't want to be married anymore. He can't or wont or doesn't want to fight for me. Maybe he feels that his sister got away with having a baby out of wedlock with no man in sight so maybe he feels that he can also get away with getting out of our marriage.

The unfortunate thing is that if only T can be honest. If he has to say that he doesn't want me, it will have to be fine. It's his right to have whatever he wants. It will be tough but I will deal with it. However he keeps saying one thing but than behaving totally out of context. All the while blaming me together with his mother. I cannot carry on like this forever. The past 5 months have been hell and although it's still continuing I have to make a conscious effort to try and move on. The reality is that this isn't just a relationship where one can decide to move on and never look back. I am still married to him and bound to him by Nikah. I have always said that I don't want to get divorced but I can't make this marriage to work on my own.

Besides I cannot fight what the Almighty has written out for me and no matter how hard I try I keep hitting a brick wall. If T could show some commitment and love and affection I know I would have went back. But he hasn't so here I am stuck and confused wondering how someone could change so drastically and become a person that I barely know.

Although my heart breaks and it feels as though someone is shoving a knife into my heart and twisting it, I can't hold onto something and keep trying when i'm getting no joy from the other side. The feeling is you know where you need to do something and you really really don't want to but you have to. This is one of those situations.

I just have to try.....

To go or not.....

So.....

The mum called me today and invited me for lunch on Sunday in honour of the new baby? Its been 2 months and a bit and this is the first time that she has called me.

To go or not to go.......

Bittersweet Congrats

So! The baby has finally arrived. It seems that the baby was born today, one day after it's expected arrival. It's funny that the grand arrival was being waited for since December and did end up coming on the day that it was supposed to come. Well nobody's phoned to tell me that the princess has finally given birth and it's highly unlikely that they will. I just happen to be rather resourceful and managed to find the information out on my own.

As realization struck, I felt deflated and miserable and luckily my friend Sue rescued me from really beginning to wallow in the pits of despair. I guess realisation has struck that finally this little innocent being has arrived and who knows what's going to happen next. I feel anxious to the point of nausea. I supposedly don't know. I wonder what will they do. Will anyone call to tell me, my husband in particular or will he continue to ignore me as he has been doing since last week. Will the lack of communciation on his part mean that he really doesn't care?

The birth of this baby shouldn't affect my life but unfortunately the reality is that it does. Under normal circumstances, T and I would be the child's uncle and aunt who would spoil and love the innocent baba cos that's what uncles and aunt's do for their nieces. But this is not under normal circumstances and while T is probably ecstatic and overjoyed playing daddy to the little gem without a care in the world where his wife is and what she is doing. This was not how life was supposed to play out. I shouldn't feel this way towards an innocent baby but it's the nature of the beast and the reality of it all. Also T and I were mean't to separate until the bith of the baby. Well the baby is here and T and I are nowhere near a reconciliation. Infact things are just as screwed up as they were when I left. So nothing's changed, it doesn't look like anything is going to be any different and I am left to pick up the pieces while the rest of them fawn over the little bambino. Nobody is going to give 2 hoots regarding the state of T and my marriage. Nobody is going to be bothered to even think about me and the fact that T and I are on the verge of getting a divorce. I don't blame them. A baby brings such joy and affection and love to any home, why should they be saddled with me (who is such a villain) in their life.

I knew this day was coming. I always used to wonder what it would be like when the baby arrived. I guess I never go to experience that, which for me is lucky cos the way things were before I left, there was no place for me. That portrait was only reserved for Princess T (SIL), The Queen (MIL) and T.

So congratulations Princess T.

I give up

So it's 2010. It's the beginning of a new year, the soccer spectacular will very soon be upon us and it's the turn of the decade. Hmmm I wish my personal life sounded so upbeat and full of promise. I am still very much in the same situation that I was in when 2009 ended. Infact it's been the same drag for the past couple of months and nothing's changed.

I don't know what the future holds and honestly speaking I am terrified. I began 2009 full of promise and excitement. I had just gotten married, T and I were beginning our life together, work was going ok - things were looking up and the adventure seemed pretty exciting. Than the bombshell dropped and everything went pear-shaped and instead of an adventure, I woke up to a full scale nightmare filled with lies, deceit and monster in-laws. Looking back I don't know if leaving T was the best decision that I have ever made. It was best at the time and although I don't regret it, cos being there was too hard for me, it's hard to work on a marriage being apart.

So my year has begun but I am still very much in limbo and am not really sure where my life is going. Unfortunately T and I are no longer dating so there is a marriage at stake here. I am finding that it's not as simple as just saying Fuck You, I don't need this shit anymore and I am going to walk away. I don't know, maybe I am wrong not to think that way, but honestly speaking I don't want to get divorced. I know that I still love T and I know that if he is willing to show commitment to working things out I would still want to. I am grappling with emotions and feelings and thoughts that at times tend to drive me up the wall. I keep thinking that things cannot carry on like this. However all focus is on the princess who is taking forever to pop and nobody is really concerned about our marriage. It frustrates me that this innocent little baby has got nothing to do with things between us falling apart, yet we have to wait until it's born until anything gets sorted.

As I type this, I realise but wait T and I are adults. Surely we can sort this out on our own. Well we have tried and I think that we have failed. Again! It was fine when he first started calling me. We chatted, laughed and were really trying to just find each other again. It was good, I was nervous I must admit but it was good. I could see that he was trying as well. However for me this isn't enough anymore. I need to feel the commitment and I need to know that whatever happens next is going to be positive and T just keeps stalling and pretending that life is great when in actual fact it's not. I seriously don't get him and we ended up having a really serious fight last week. He went to Sun City during the Christmas long weekend and than he went to Durban last weekend. I was livid and lost it all over again and told him to leave me alone as his priorities were definitely not me and that was the end of him. He came to see me before he left, but I was too angry to care and gave him the cold shoulder and left. I feel disappointed.

My family is angry that he looks like he is living his life like a young bachelor while I as his wife must sit at home. I feel the exact same way and I voiced my anger to his dad who although listened didn't really do anything. I don't get T at all. He calls and is all sweet and caring. He nags me to come home and shows the love and affection that I have been craving for all these months that has been so absent. However his actions don't prove anything. I just don't get it. So yes maybe telling him to fuck off is the best thing for me. But what do you do when you love the person, it's no longer just a relationship that you can end and you know the person that he can be. Honestly speaking I am angry too. Why must things be like this and does he really care about me?

So we are not talking at the moment. He hasn't called since that huge argument that we had and I feel like I am back where I started when I left home. I don't know where this all is heading to and I am terrified of what is going to happen next. I feel miserable cos at least these past few weeks we were at least talking. I don't know what to do next. Nothing works. T still blames me for leaving and can't or won't or doesn't want to see things for how they really are. The baby has become the number one priority, which is all fair and well, I don't begrudge anyone their moment but what about me and my life. Why must I wait?

I seriously give up.