Ok. Work really is a haven for me. Regardless of all the crap that goes on and the hard to please business partners, right now it's the only form of sanity that I have. I walked into work this morning and thought to myself that I have lots to do and I am rather going to focus on that than focus on the fact that T has suddenly turned into Randy Andy all the while ignoring me totally. At least the piling workload keeps me sane.
Yesterday was a tad better. We spoke about random things, like the Pantene being on special, Barker Haine's kid getting kidnapped (like I care) and some or other inane crap. However he still disappeared to his parents as soon as he had finished eating and only came back about an hour or so later. I just carried on doing my own thing. Read the Cosmo (it's been a while), pottered a bit around, cleared up and than fell into bed.
How unfortunate that the minute the lights were off, randy Andy emerged pawing all over me. It kind of repulses me to think that the whole day goes by and I don't hear from him, I come home and we greet each other like 2 strangers at a train station and than he disappears only to come home to sleep. So the thought of getting all hot and flustered really didn't turn me on and I just ignored him and went to sleep only to wake up in the morning to more randy Andy antics. I couldn't help it anymore and told him exactly how I feel, but if he even heard half what I had sad is a miracle. Why doesn't he listen.
All I am asking for is for love and affection, some acknowledgement that hey - I remember you, you my wife. Instead I get ignored, am expected to cook for him, clean up after him and put out for whenever he feels like it. What does that make me. Not his wife. But more like a maid who with added benefits.
I am really scared and frustrated and as the days pass I feel even more confused. The elder of both families begged me to stay an extra week. I was ready to leave on Saturday evening after yet another debacle. So I stayed. What happens next. I am terrified to find out.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
WHY
Ive had a journal since as long as I can remember. Funny though that when things are rough I tend to want to write more. Penning my thoughts somehow help me to make sense of the chaos that clutters my brain. I feel very nonchalant today. Not really sure why, cos when my mother told me that she told my cousin EB about all this, tears were threatening to fall. I was at work so I really had to compose myself. EB is like a big brother to me. When the time came for signing of the marriage register, I chose him with my 2 brothers to give me away. The thought of him knowing just kind of made it all the more real.
T and I don't talk. This is what he wants, the life he wants without me. To run around as though he doesn't have a care in the world except maybe his car. Last night again, I lost it. I just cant seem to keep quiet. He tests my patience and I end up screaming. I keep having negative thoughts that he has someone else. But that just doesn't sound right. He wouldn't do that - or would he? It breaks my heart to think that. What could have went so wrong. How, I keep asking.
I don't have answers. I only know that things between us are crappy and have been for the past month or so. I've tried and maybe I haven't tried hard enough, or maybe I haven't done or said the right things but I have tried. Nothing has worked and all I want to do wake up from this sad dream. I go to work and have to pull myself together cos if I don't concentrate the wheels come off and everything just falls apart. I forgot to do something really important last week and I was so embarrassed when my boss asked me why it wasn't done. Last week Wednesday was really crappy for me. I barely did anything and was an emotional wreck the entire time.
There are times when I find it really hard to accept things and there are times when like right now I feel ok. I feel really sad that T and I don't talk. That since I came home we haven't spoken more than a few words to each other. We eat in silence and than he disappears to his parents or wherever while I have to sit around and twiddle my thumbs. I miss the man that I married. I miss the life full of promise and excitement. I miss what we had and although I really want it back, I don't know if that will be the best in the long run. Everything is so tarnished and ugly and miserable right now. I keep wondering will the sun ever shine again.
I don't know if T even wants me anymore and if he doesn't than what am I doing here. Why wont he be honest about what he wants and why wont he even acknowledge me. Why????
T and I don't talk. This is what he wants, the life he wants without me. To run around as though he doesn't have a care in the world except maybe his car. Last night again, I lost it. I just cant seem to keep quiet. He tests my patience and I end up screaming. I keep having negative thoughts that he has someone else. But that just doesn't sound right. He wouldn't do that - or would he? It breaks my heart to think that. What could have went so wrong. How, I keep asking.
I don't have answers. I only know that things between us are crappy and have been for the past month or so. I've tried and maybe I haven't tried hard enough, or maybe I haven't done or said the right things but I have tried. Nothing has worked and all I want to do wake up from this sad dream. I go to work and have to pull myself together cos if I don't concentrate the wheels come off and everything just falls apart. I forgot to do something really important last week and I was so embarrassed when my boss asked me why it wasn't done. Last week Wednesday was really crappy for me. I barely did anything and was an emotional wreck the entire time.
There are times when I find it really hard to accept things and there are times when like right now I feel ok. I feel really sad that T and I don't talk. That since I came home we haven't spoken more than a few words to each other. We eat in silence and than he disappears to his parents or wherever while I have to sit around and twiddle my thumbs. I miss the man that I married. I miss the life full of promise and excitement. I miss what we had and although I really want it back, I don't know if that will be the best in the long run. Everything is so tarnished and ugly and miserable right now. I keep wondering will the sun ever shine again.
I don't know if T even wants me anymore and if he doesn't than what am I doing here. Why wont he be honest about what he wants and why wont he even acknowledge me. Why????
Sunday, September 27, 2009
The End - I think
It's been a while since my last post and instead of things improving they have just deteriorated. I would like to refer to the Band as T for now as the band makes me think of happier times of me and my Band and right now there is only ugliness and sadness. It seems that my marriage is over. Yes in 9 short months it is all over. The honeymoon period, the carefree days of fun and excitement, the future full of promise. Instead the past 9 months are marred by feelings of pain and sadness. I never wanted for it to come to this but it appears that this is it. There has been one thing after another which has made me into an insecure wreck.
I used to be pretty insecure thanks to a failed past relationship but I had overcome all my demons and I never doubted my relationship with T or even my marriage for that matter. Since before we began the holy month of Ramadaan, things have been shitty. T doesn't talk to me, he ignores me, has forbade me to call him during the day cos he is busy. And now the latest he has befriended a young teenage boy and wants to be out and about without me. He literally does his own thing but yet expects me to just be there, to put out for him whenever he feels like it, to cook for him, clean up after him etc etc etc.
It was Eid day, the end of fast, a day of celebration to be spent with family and loved ones. On the day we usually do a breakfast, than lunch and than supper. The whole day is filled with food and goodwill. He refused to go to my family. Ok fine I went to my mum for breakfast by myself, we had lunch with his family and he spent the entire day in a foul mood sleeping on the couch cos all he wanted was to go out without me. I entertained his family, did all the decor and festivities, was the perfect daughter in law all the while hoping for some appreciation from him. I got nothing. In fact I very candidly got told yesterday that I complained that I had to work the whole day. T lies and twists everything to make him look like he is innocent. I had McDonald's for supper on Eid night. While my family were feasting on seafood as is tradition, I was eating a quarter pounder deluxe at 9pm.
I am convinced that he doesn't want me. He is tired of being married and wants to live the life of a bachelor. I really tried, tried to make it work. Tried to keep quite, not say anything, be civil, be a dutiful wife but nothing. All this time I kept thinking that no I will not walk away from my marriage. I will make it to work. However after the meeting that we had with a mutual elder of the family yesterday, I realised that I have to make peace with the fact that I am probably going to be divorced before my first anniversary.
I don't understand what has happened and why. Suddenly it's as though I don't know this person. It's as though he is possessed by the devil and has no compassion towards me, his wife. He totally disregards me. The funny thing is that we had no problem. A month ago I was singing praises about how in love we are and how perfectly happy I am. It's as though one morning he woke up and decided to become an absolute pig. He has issues with my family when they have not told him a word.
His biggest excuse is that he wanted a baby all along and I didn't want to. So I left the pill and told him lets try to have a baby, now he doesn't want one anymore cos its too late. Maybe he is in competition with his sister, I am not sure but why punish me. Also how do we bring a baby into this world when we has that little being's parents cannot even bare to be in the same room as each other.
I am really disappointed and never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that life would turn out like this. I had a fairytale wedding - its a pity that the fairytale didnt last.
I used to be pretty insecure thanks to a failed past relationship but I had overcome all my demons and I never doubted my relationship with T or even my marriage for that matter. Since before we began the holy month of Ramadaan, things have been shitty. T doesn't talk to me, he ignores me, has forbade me to call him during the day cos he is busy. And now the latest he has befriended a young teenage boy and wants to be out and about without me. He literally does his own thing but yet expects me to just be there, to put out for him whenever he feels like it, to cook for him, clean up after him etc etc etc.
It was Eid day, the end of fast, a day of celebration to be spent with family and loved ones. On the day we usually do a breakfast, than lunch and than supper. The whole day is filled with food and goodwill. He refused to go to my family. Ok fine I went to my mum for breakfast by myself, we had lunch with his family and he spent the entire day in a foul mood sleeping on the couch cos all he wanted was to go out without me. I entertained his family, did all the decor and festivities, was the perfect daughter in law all the while hoping for some appreciation from him. I got nothing. In fact I very candidly got told yesterday that I complained that I had to work the whole day. T lies and twists everything to make him look like he is innocent. I had McDonald's for supper on Eid night. While my family were feasting on seafood as is tradition, I was eating a quarter pounder deluxe at 9pm.
I am convinced that he doesn't want me. He is tired of being married and wants to live the life of a bachelor. I really tried, tried to make it work. Tried to keep quite, not say anything, be civil, be a dutiful wife but nothing. All this time I kept thinking that no I will not walk away from my marriage. I will make it to work. However after the meeting that we had with a mutual elder of the family yesterday, I realised that I have to make peace with the fact that I am probably going to be divorced before my first anniversary.
I don't understand what has happened and why. Suddenly it's as though I don't know this person. It's as though he is possessed by the devil and has no compassion towards me, his wife. He totally disregards me. The funny thing is that we had no problem. A month ago I was singing praises about how in love we are and how perfectly happy I am. It's as though one morning he woke up and decided to become an absolute pig. He has issues with my family when they have not told him a word.
His biggest excuse is that he wanted a baby all along and I didn't want to. So I left the pill and told him lets try to have a baby, now he doesn't want one anymore cos its too late. Maybe he is in competition with his sister, I am not sure but why punish me. Also how do we bring a baby into this world when we has that little being's parents cannot even bare to be in the same room as each other.
I am really disappointed and never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that life would turn out like this. I had a fairytale wedding - its a pity that the fairytale didnt last.
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
All about me???
09-09-09
The date today feels like some kind of lucky lottery number. If only I felt lucky. The last week has been really hard for me and I am grappling with so many issues and feelings. My mum became really ill last week Tuesday. We went to the doctor who diagnosed the flu and armed with medication, we came home thinking she would be fine. My mum who does not sleep during the day thinking that if she does, the world will pass her bye, slept for the entire week and by Saturday morning all the symptoms had returned. My brother M took her to our well-trusted GP's and they gave her Tamiflu and a whole lot of other meds to make her better. Tamiflu is the drug that is being prescribed for Swine Flu. The doctor said that he is not saying she has it or she doesnt but since she isnt getting better he is just prescribing it for her.
So with mum being diagnosed with Swine Flu and Ramadaan and the Band acting like a total ass, and issues with the in-laws I have been juggling everything. On Saturday I cooked for her and for the brothers and did the same on Sunday. Since the band decided that he would like to eat his mother's food, he ate there and I ate with the brothers and my mum. But what really gets to me is the Band's callous attitude. When I call him up on it, he says there is nothing wrong and he will come out of this on his own. I am so disappointed in him. We had one of many little meltdowns again on Monday morning and he very candidly pointed out stuff that his mother and sister had told him about me. I feel hurt that they can badmouth and lowball me and he doesn't tell them a thing. I feel even more hurt that they on my face they are sweet and full of smiles but behind my back they are gunning for my every move. I feel disappointed that my mother is so ill and he acts as though he couldn't care less.
We were perfectly happy. Yes we might have had ups and downs but suddenly I am the baddie and we live like 2 strangers. I do battle to keep my mouth shut and will usually opt to speak my mind if something is bothering me. However, I have decided to keep quite. I am really trying but how much longer do I have to pretend that everything is fine when clearly its not. He claims that nothing is wrong, but I can feel that something has changed. Yes we talk, and yes its Ramadaan so by the end of the day everyone's exhausted, but we basically just do the motions and get on with whatever needs to be done everyday. However I can feel the barrier between us and I don't know how to get through to him. I have tried to act nonchalent - it hasn't worked. If I keep quite and act normal than he also acts normal in an abnormal way. If I try shock tactics, he just pretends that I am losing my mind and there is nothing wrong.
I don't know what to do. I feel so helpless regarding this. The way things are carrying on is not normal and I don't know how to fix it. My mum is still not well and went back to the doctor today as she still wasnt feeling too well. Instead of looking forward to a spiritual month filled with atonement, reflection and prayer - there are feelings of inadequacy, resentment and uncertainty. The band knows that he is acting strange. I just want to know for how much longer is this going to carry on.
I keep thinking that maybe I am being paranoid. Maybe there is nothing wrong between us. But I can feel the rift and since we don't communicate about anything that has happened it just makes things worse. God knows I've tried to broach these issues with him but it always lands up in a screaming match. I have tried to bring things up in a non-accusatory manner - but still I get nowhere.
I am convinced that my in laws - MIL and SIL in particular are interfering in my marriage and my husband is not strong enough to stand up to them. How to I get him to see my side or understand my point. I dont begrudge them, they are his family after all, but what about me. Or am I just making it all about myself. I'm not sure.
The date today feels like some kind of lucky lottery number. If only I felt lucky. The last week has been really hard for me and I am grappling with so many issues and feelings. My mum became really ill last week Tuesday. We went to the doctor who diagnosed the flu and armed with medication, we came home thinking she would be fine. My mum who does not sleep during the day thinking that if she does, the world will pass her bye, slept for the entire week and by Saturday morning all the symptoms had returned. My brother M took her to our well-trusted GP's and they gave her Tamiflu and a whole lot of other meds to make her better. Tamiflu is the drug that is being prescribed for Swine Flu. The doctor said that he is not saying she has it or she doesnt but since she isnt getting better he is just prescribing it for her.
So with mum being diagnosed with Swine Flu and Ramadaan and the Band acting like a total ass, and issues with the in-laws I have been juggling everything. On Saturday I cooked for her and for the brothers and did the same on Sunday. Since the band decided that he would like to eat his mother's food, he ate there and I ate with the brothers and my mum. But what really gets to me is the Band's callous attitude. When I call him up on it, he says there is nothing wrong and he will come out of this on his own. I am so disappointed in him. We had one of many little meltdowns again on Monday morning and he very candidly pointed out stuff that his mother and sister had told him about me. I feel hurt that they can badmouth and lowball me and he doesn't tell them a thing. I feel even more hurt that they on my face they are sweet and full of smiles but behind my back they are gunning for my every move. I feel disappointed that my mother is so ill and he acts as though he couldn't care less.
We were perfectly happy. Yes we might have had ups and downs but suddenly I am the baddie and we live like 2 strangers. I do battle to keep my mouth shut and will usually opt to speak my mind if something is bothering me. However, I have decided to keep quite. I am really trying but how much longer do I have to pretend that everything is fine when clearly its not. He claims that nothing is wrong, but I can feel that something has changed. Yes we talk, and yes its Ramadaan so by the end of the day everyone's exhausted, but we basically just do the motions and get on with whatever needs to be done everyday. However I can feel the barrier between us and I don't know how to get through to him. I have tried to act nonchalent - it hasn't worked. If I keep quite and act normal than he also acts normal in an abnormal way. If I try shock tactics, he just pretends that I am losing my mind and there is nothing wrong.
I don't know what to do. I feel so helpless regarding this. The way things are carrying on is not normal and I don't know how to fix it. My mum is still not well and went back to the doctor today as she still wasnt feeling too well. Instead of looking forward to a spiritual month filled with atonement, reflection and prayer - there are feelings of inadequacy, resentment and uncertainty. The band knows that he is acting strange. I just want to know for how much longer is this going to carry on.
I keep thinking that maybe I am being paranoid. Maybe there is nothing wrong between us. But I can feel the rift and since we don't communicate about anything that has happened it just makes things worse. God knows I've tried to broach these issues with him but it always lands up in a screaming match. I have tried to bring things up in a non-accusatory manner - but still I get nowhere.
I am convinced that my in laws - MIL and SIL in particular are interfering in my marriage and my husband is not strong enough to stand up to them. How to I get him to see my side or understand my point. I dont begrudge them, they are his family after all, but what about me. Or am I just making it all about myself. I'm not sure.
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