The End

Today is the end of the road for T and I. After what happened this weekend there is no way we can go back to where we were and there is no way that we can start afresh. I write this with a heavy heart and mixed feelings. I so wish that it were not true, that it is all just a nightmare and I will wake up soon. I so wish that I can turn back the clock. There are so many things I would do differently. But I dont have any of those luxuries and I have to face the reality that it is finally over.
I remember saying this in December last year when the first of our problems surfaced and we decided to take a break. Little did I know that it didnt actually end. The day we amicably decided to take a break was the day I stepped onto an emotional rollercoaster with him at the controls. And I know that I was wrong to give him this control but after the rocky few months that we had, i thought I was doing the right thing. Instead of questioning his motives and intentions than, i let it ride thinking that this was the beginning of something new and fresh. How wrong was I?
This rollercoaster ride turned out to be full of delicious highs and crushing lows. There were days when I wanted to close my eyes really tight and savour the highs and there were times when I wanted to close my eyes and open them up again with all the lows gone by. There were a million questions that would circle my head and I would question his intentions but I would never get any answers.
My world was shattered on Friday. I couldnt believe what a bastard he had turned out to be. I thought i knew you, 5 and a half years is quite a long time. I keep questioning, you have turned into someone I dont know. So which is the true you. The one I knew and loved for 5 years or the one that you are now. I dont doubt that he did not love me. I just know that somewhere along the way we lost the plot and it all became a power struggle. He claims I hurt him and I say that he hurt me and we just couldnt come to any sort of middle ground. And the outside interference did not help at all.
I am numb with shock. I am back where I was 4 months ago and I feel like a failure. Had I not listened to him, had I not given him the benefit of the doubt I would have been over the worst. But I trusted him, chose to believe him and he let me down in the most cruel way possible. I have to face reality and the facts that are starring me in the face. This is what he wanted and he just played me along for his own personal gain. A sad reality that I wish with all my heart were not true. But they are and accepting it and letting go is the hardest.
I question where I went wrong, did I push him away and I must say I am not entirely innocent in all of this. However there are limits and he has crossed them one to many times. I know that it is over and there is no turning back, but a part of me still wishes it were not true. A part of me is still in denial.
Friday"s events toppled me over like a huge tsunami wave. It crashed my world and I find myself lying on the floor too tired to get up. There is no energy to carry on But I know I have too, soon.
Reality
Thats the bullet through my wounded heart
Only a Word
But I can see its keeping us apart
!!!!!!

Was life meant to be this hard?

I had a weekend from hell. The guy and I havent been speaking to each other from about the 10th of April. We had a huge fallout, regarding this whole mess. He refuses to tell me why we are apart and my whole argument was that it looked like I was just fun on the side or whenever he felt like it. His argument was that it was better for us to be apart right now and than he still had feelings for me blah, blah, blah. I decided to take one day at a time, as there was so much of history and ugliness that had taken place in the last few months that maybe him calling me everyday was a beginning to something more.

On Friday I was told some information that left me reeling with shock. I cant believe that this is the same person we were talking about. He called me on Friday night after a whole week of not speaking to each other. I made a mistake of not taking his calls. I dont even know if he knows what I know about him. So he didnt call back and I didnt answer because I was just too angry and miserable. I dont know if I should confront him and verify what I have been told. Will it give me the answers, will it help me reach closure. A part of me wants to call him and than another part of me thinks what would be the point?

I just want to know that why did he call me and act like he still cared if he had other plans. I feel like such a fool and i dont know if I can move past this. I feel saddened by the fact that i thought i knew him but maybe I dont.

There is this part of me that feels that nobody has a right to hurt another human being like how he has hurt me. Nobody has a right to put someone through so much of pain. So i should just leave it and let it go. Than there is this part of me that wants to know, i want to know why he did this to me. Whether I will get an answer from him is left to be seen. I cant go through life wondering, wondering why and how and when? I keep thinking that i will never have closure if i dont ask. I do have a right to ask.

What to do? What to do? I am so confused.

Emotional Rollercoaster

So I havent written in a while. I have been so busy with work and the emotional rollercoaster that has become my life that I sometimes have little time for blogging. I must say that writing things down really helps sometimes.

I cant understand things at the moment and I really want to. Friday was really awful and I had no intention of ever speaking to him again. I met him and i was on his turf, which made things very uncomfortable. He didnt know how to act and was acting so weird. He totally ignored me. I caught him looking at me a few times and there were those times that our eyes met across the room. But that was it, no hello. What made things even worse is that our sorry saga is international news and everyone that was there were just looking and wondering about the situation. They obviously dont know the real story and the cause of the break up, but they know that we are not together anymore and they obviously have their own opinions. I made sure i looked really nice, and was just my old self chatting to his friends and family and i must add that his family were really nice and supportive. Which was quite surprising.

So he ignored me, I left at a reasonable hour and went home. Luckily i wasnt alone and the moral support i got from my family was just wonderful. He called when i got home. I was too angry to speak to him and didnt answer his calls. He called about 5 times and than i went to sleep. He called again Saturday morning and again i just ignored his calls. He called again sunday morning, like really early. I figured that i couldnt really ignore him forever and i had things to tell him, so i answered. I let him have it, I was first cold and unfeeling. He noticed how nice i looked, actually commented it. At least all my efforts were not in vain. However nothing got resolved and we ended up talking all over again. When we are together and when we talk its like old times and nothings changed.

It makes me miss him so much.
Today I was really upset. On Monday he insisted that he wanted to visit me. I refused saying that it seems that he has other interests and he shouldnt visit me. He visite,however i was pretty out of it today. Its this rollercoaster of emotions and although nothing happened, I was like a walking corpse.

I know that life cannot carry on like this, i know that I have to take a stand. Why is it just so damn hard. The issue is that we havent discussed exactly what went wrong. He keeps telling me that he has feelings for me and I must be blind to not see them, however its best that we are apart for now. I mean what kind of an explanation is that. Also i am not sure if there are other parties involved. That was my argument on Monday, that if you are busy with other girls than please leave me alone. I dont have any proof, it is just an assumption. He insists that he does not have any other interests and if he did, he wouldnt be calling me.

I am in such a confused space. He is sending me mixed signals and i dont know what to make off them.......

All i say is that if he has other interests than what can i offer him that they cant. With me he still has the past issues which havent been resolved. With anyone else he wont have any of that.

So what gives?????

I wish i knew.

So I havent written in a while. I have been so busy with work and the emotional rollercoaster that has become my life that I sometimes have little time for blogging. I must say that writing things down really helps sometimes.

I cant understand things at the moment and I really want to. Friday was really awful and I had no intention of ever speaking to him again. I met him and i was on his turf, which made things very uncomfortable. He didnt know how to act and was acting so weird. He totally ignored me. I caught him looking at me a few times and there were those times that our eyes met across the room. But that was it, no hello. What made things even worse is that our sorry saga is international news and everyone that was there were just looking and wondering about the situation. They obviously dont know the real story and the cause of the break up, but they know that we are not together anymore and they obviously have their own opinions. I made sure i looked really nice, and was just my old self chatting to his friends and family and i must add that his family were really nice and supportive. Which was quite surprising.


Today I was really upset. On Monday he insisted that he wanted to visit me. I refused saying that it seems that he has other interests and