Fuzzy Future

I have been MIA and although I have began many a blog post in these past 2 weeks I just never found the time to complete them.

The month of Ramadaan is upon us and this year things are a little bit different. Instead of relying on mum, I now have my own home with my own responsibilities. Honestly I was looking forward to this month. While it is a time to pray and reflect and atone, it is the band and my first Ramadaan together as husband and wife. Unfortunately my excitement has been marred by developments that have occurred in these past 2 weeks that have left me shocked and very miserable. I have tried to be strong and really overlook but I can't help feel a little unsure and distrustful of everyone around me.

The band and I had a really huge blowout during the long weekend that passed. Things were said and done and by the end of the weekend all was sorted out. We made up, made peace and all was well again in our world. Or so I thought. The in-laws got involved thanks to my mindless sister in law and thats when everything went really pear-shaped. The dad who is more like a father to me than my own dad, was very supportive and did not take sides between me and his son. He was angry and upset and couldn't understand where all this was coming from.

It was only much later after countless tears and heartache did I realise that my sister in law was behind this whole thing. She knew about the band and my argument over the weekend and told the dad. However she added and subtracted as she felt and gave the dad the wrong perception and now suddenly I was the villain in the story. I cant believe the garbage that she and her mother fed to him and when he clarified it, I had no clue what he was talking about.

I asked in passing about cousin B - that became an issue. There was some issue about me telling the mum how much something had cost after I had bought it. There was an issue about the maid. There were just issues all which I had never done or had no bad intention when doing it. I asked about cousin B cos I hadnt seen her in a while. I am not sure how or why that was an issue but it was. I have no recollection of me telling the mum about how much something was and when he asked her infront of me she suddenly did not know what he was talking about. He got so angry with her and I am sure he realised that they had just fed him a bunch of lies.

However the person who I am most disappointed in is the band. Suddenly, overnight he had changed and I don't know why. Just cos the dad had scolded him for the fight that we had, he became cold towards me. All the i'm sorry's and the flowers meant nothing and I had become the enemy. Also the fact that the band and I were having an issue does not give anyone the right to make it about themselves. That is exactly what my MIL and SIL did. They made this about themselves by lowballing me.

As for my SIL, I get the feeling that she is using the band as a weapon to get what she wants. Suddenly he is feeling so responsible for her. He is going to buy her a bmw pram and car seat. He is going to Game to buy some plaything for the baby. She had a doctors appointment 2 weeks ago and the doc couldn't make it, so they rescheduled for Sunday morning. He had to take her. So there I was on Sunday morning all alone at home, while he took his sister to the gynacologist. Why cos when I was sick the band drove me to the doctor late Sunday evening. So where to from here I keep wanting to know. Is she expecting the band to father her child cos clearly this baby has no biological father. She miraculously created it on her own.

I also have picked up that the dad does not talk to them regarding this. They very candidly began discussing her unborn baby on the dinner table last week and he ignored them totally. 3 times they brought it up and on all 3 occassions he ignored them. I know how he thinks and I know that, that is something he wont condone however what happens when the baby is born. How are they going to explain a small baby to their family and friends. Its funny how on Sunday when guests came over, she wore a Kaftan which hid her growing tummy rather nicely.

I cant help but feel that what happens to the band and our life. Surely we also want to have our own family but now with the band feeling so responsible for her, I just feel that we will constantly have to live in her and her baby's shadow. If sil did this than we should do it too. Also what happens when there are family outings, the band, our children and I - will we be saddled with her child as well cos shame it doesnt have a father. My imagination is running away with me but I cant help but feel that surely an innocent baby will foster lost of love and joy in their home but at what price. At the price of me losing my husband. He must go to the pharmacy to buy her pills and vitamens, he must go with her to the doctor. He must buy her the pram and so the list goes on and on.....

I feel as though that pretty picture that was my life full of love and laughter and promise has become a dream with only uncertainty and fuzzyness clouding the reality.

I feel very despondent about the future and on more than one occasion during this past 2 weeks I have questioned the future of my marriage. I know that this is his mum and sister but what about me - his wife. All they do is complain and act the victim. I can see the pressure that they are placing on his shoulders and to be quite honest it is causing a strain on my marriage and I don't know what to do about it.

Winter and all things not nice....

I have had enough of Winter and everything else that goes with it. Especially the flu. I was sick last week, went to this ancient doctor that the band swears by and although he treated me very nicely, the meds that he gave me were quite weak - i think. Saturday morning I woke up with a runny nose that just didn't want to go away. Pill after pill and my nose just kept on leaking. To top it all the band and I decided to go watch The Proposal on Saturday night - it was miserable outside and with eyes spluttering and snots running - i made it through the movie. I am sorry old man who was sitting next to me merrily sipping his coffee as I merrily blew my nose at every chance I got.

By Sunday evening I was exhausted, the fever had returned and I asked the Band to take me to my doctor. So we made the trek down and after a good checking up he booked me off until today. To be quite honest, I still don't feel 100%. My head really hurts and I feel weak and tired most of the time. I keep thinking that I need to go to work cos I am beginning to get cabin fever now and every little thing the band does is starting to work on my nerves. He is such a lucky sod that he gets to work flexi-time so he comes and goes as he pleases. Although I wouldn't want to be in his shoes, cos he has a million and one things to do and a million and one people to please.

The knocked up sister went to her gynae on Monday. The usual damsel in distress who cannot even go to the corner Spar to buy a loaf of bread went on her own, to a place that she has never been to. I for one don't believe that. Come on obviously she made this baby with someone and what are the chances of that someone not wanting to be a part of his unborn child's life. Unless he really is a lowly loser and she really is out on her own. Yesterday she needed to go to the lab for a blood test, she made her brother take her in the evening. But you made no fuss to go and see your new gynae.

The band told her that he has told me she is pregnant and she very candidly told him that oh she thought I knew all along. So what, was she expecting me to ask her. I am not her. A few months ago she and her parents went on an overseas holiday. While they were away, everyone thought I was pregnant cos I felt like crap 99% of the time. The band mentioned it to her when they came back and when she saw my mum she asked her about everyone thinking that I was pregnant. I respect people's privacy and will not pry just to be in the know. I don't plan on saying anything to her unless she brings it up. Why should I? Until now it has been a state secret so why should I get all chummy with them. Maybe I am wrong to feel this way but it just irritates me to no end.

In 2 weeks time we begin fasting and to be quite honest, I am a little worried. I have to be more responsible and worry about the band whereas before mum did all the worrying. I am also a little concerned about a few other issues and I am hoping against hoping that they work themselves out instead of me being miserable.

The band has been super busy these past few days but he still finds the time to pamper me and check up on me. I absolutely love that he makes the bed, makes me warm chocolatey drinks every night and holds me close when I get the shivers..... Hmmm thank you band!

I am not sure if I should go in to work tomorrow. I dont feel too great and with the long weekend around us most people will be off anyway. I feel bad but I can't go in and than leave early if I feel crap. Yesterday the band asked me to please drive down to the shop to buy something that he needed and I drove like Miss Daisy and felt so weak and headachey when I got back. Really not sure what to do.....

I have discovered Twitter...... Follow my random tweets anyone.

Fun Times....

I began a post on Friday afternoon, but work always stands in the way between me and blogging. Hmmm priorities.....

Friday was a really interesting day. The dramas with Marsha finally came to a head. Her poor performance issues were referred to the Employee Relations dept which led into a disciplinary enquiry which ultimately led to her dismissal on Friday. Nowhere during all this was I involved, but I had to be the one to tell her that we are not confirming her employment any longer and she will have to leave right away. She resisted signing any documents and when I asked her to complete a termination pack she became rather difficult. I had to explain to her that the termination pack is standard practice for anyone leaving the organisation and finally after numerous calls to her lawyer, she signed.

I than had to go with her to her office and watch while she cleared up her things and than had to escort her out the building. I decided not to get into any conversations with her and rather just did the motions. I don't trust her as she has on numerous occasions told people stuff that I have said when I didn't. Finally the drama is over, for now though, as she made it very clear that she will be referring this matter to the CCMA. I know that our ER dept is very good at dealing with stuff like this but am not sure if we will be involved at all. It all seems like a bad dream that is finally over but the mess that she has left will clearly be present for a while. I still cant get over the fact that she clearly does not think she did anything wrong. She still believes that we are out to get her and she did nothing wrong. Pheew!!!

Yesterday we were invited to a friends bridal shower. Actually it's my best friend's sister who is getting married and so they had a little hen party for her. To be quite honest it was really boring and most of the things fell pretty flat. The theme was glitz and glamour with pink, silver or purple. Everyone had to dress up and with the weather being really crap it was quite hard deciding what to wear. It was fun getting together with my friend Niks who lives in PE now. Gosh I miss her and although we talk quite often its different. The highlight for us was when we had to play a game where we all had to take a piece of paper with a number written on it. We were not allowed to tell each other what our numbers were. Niks and I shared our numbers and were quite chuffed that we had the same number 00.

Than we had to go outside, take one shoe off and put in in the middle. The aim of the game was that if your number was called, you would have to rush to the middle, grab your shoe and make your way back to your place. The first one back would win a prize. By than Niks and I realised that everyone had the same number and we psyched ourselves to rush first and grab our shoes. As the host called out the number 8 everyone rushed to grab their shoes except Niks and I. The magic number was 8 and not 00. We read it incorrectly. We really felt like 2 tarts. This was vintage Niks and I. We were always like this dof and a little on the blonde side.

Oh well it was fun but to be quite honest a little corny and boring. Visiting the place where I grew up is always a nostalgic experience cos I really had the most amazing childhood and growing up was what movie experiences are made off. Just the fact that I got to spend some time with Niks - was enough to make the day a memorable one.....

Happy Moments....

Rant post.....Warning

The nightmares will be returning home today after a week and a half of their absence, I could so get used to that kind of freedom. I do find it quite strange that the Band's parents were away for all this time and not once did they ask to speak to me during many lenghty conversations they had with their son. I don't care - they treat me like a daughter in law and not a daughter so I dont miss anything. To be quite honest its been quite peaceful without the dad's presence and the mum's banshee screaming antics.

However the band called now to ask me what I was cooking for dinner tonight. Now I usually just drop whatever I plan on cooking off at my mum's in the morning and I pick it up in the afternoon on my way home. Convenient and lazy people say, but that is why I have the bestest mother in the whole wide world. I told him what I asked mum to make and than he asked me if there was a lot. I don't usually make a whole lot of food as we are only 2 and the band eats like a bird. So I told him it isnt a lot and when I asked him why he proceeded to tell me that oh cos his parents are coming home and will be home by 6pm.

Grrrr - As if. First of all nobody told me that they were coming home early, nobody told me to cook for them and since they couldnt care less whether I was living or dead while they were away why should I care to cook for them. Besides I have been at work for the whole day, its a different thing if I was at home. Let their beloved pregnant daughter who is suddenly behaving like little miss saint come home and cook for her parents.

I know that I am mean and nasty and I am not usually like this. I am a sun child and am usually really forgiving and will always go out of my way to help everyone. Its not that they ill treat me but its their principles that really get to me at times. It really gets to me that when I see them they talk about everyone under the sun but things that matter. I grapple with the fact that they always preach about others and yet they pretend that nothing is wrong in their own home. I always believe sweep your own door first before sweeping others. It irks me that they appear so normal when clearly they have a problem. I cant understand how they can throw huge boulders and bricks yet they living in a pretty huge glass house if you ask me.

I love the band and its because of him that I am happy. Yes we have our moments and yes we argue and fight and squabble but loving him and him being him makes it all worth it. Even though his family totally pisses me off I am there because of him. I just get upset when it feels like I am being taken advantage off - not by the band - but by the in-laws......

Losers.....

I haven't been blogging much and although the urge hits me often, I don't have much time. I keep saying that I don't have the time, but I blog mostly at work and things have been hectic. It appears that things have taken a turn for the better here at work. Touch wood. I keep thinking that my luck is going to run out and things are going to start going pear-shaped again. The last few months have been pretty rough but I think I have weathered the stormy waters.

The main person who used to make my life a living nightmare, the MD for one of the departments that I look after, has actually come around. He now says thank you when I take him stuff and doesn't treat me like an idiot. I keep thinking that today something will happen but I am confident that things have gotten much better. My boss even seems a bit different. Maybe the complaints have stopped so she doesn't have need to be irritated. I received a few calls last week from employment agencies and I did send them my cv but to be quite honest I don't think I really want to leave right now.

I had a bit of a meltdown yesterday. I am really grappling with the fact that the band's family haven't mentioned a word to me regarding his sister's pregnancy. I know that it is none of my business and that it does not concern me. However I am a member of their family, I do see them everyday much to my irritation and when I see them they are pretty normal and they talk about everything and everyone under the sun but this. I do feel like an outsider and yesterday I just lost it. The band and I had a huge argument and everything that I have been bottling up since all this started came out. I guess thats why they say that one shouldn't bottle things up. I didn't want to make a big deal about it and kept thinking to myself this is not about YOU, but to be quite honest it is a big deal and it does bother me.

Ever since the sister announced that she is pregnant, they fawn around her like she is some fragile doll. Yes she is with child but don't they care who the father is, is she going to bring this little being up alone, do they not care what their daughter gets up to. Or maybe then they do all know and I am the one in the dark. It's such a twisted story that totally gets me in a tizz and seriously upsets me every single day. I am really battling to make peace with it. I keep repeating this mantra that it is none of my business and does not concern me.

I voiced my feelings to the band yesterday and even though it came out through an argument, I am glad that it has come to light. I am glad that he knows how I feel and I hope that this gives him some food for thought.

In other news, I received some extra cash last month as part of a performance bonus, it wasn't a lot due to the company not meeting all targets etc, but it was something and I purchased a set AMC pots. Hmmmm who ever thought that I would be excited at purchasing pots. They are absolutely lovely and have a lifetime guarantee. My mum has a set and I am so used to them that I had to get my own. Even though I don't cook everyday thanks to mother - I love cooking and I think that the pots are truly an investment.

So here's to happy cooking and less feeling like a loser regarding other people's scandals..... :)

Woes....

I don't know. To be quite honest I am not in a very good space right now. I keep saying I don't care and it's not my problem or its not my family so why should I bother - but honestly I can't seem to move past it and I can't seem to understand why. I am so not like this but....

The Band's sister is pregnant and I supposedly don't know about it. I only know whatever he has told me and that isn't much anymore. Initially when she told him, he seemed really worried about the dad's reaction and we spoke about it and he was really confused about how this all came about. Than about 2 weeks ago the bombshell dropped and nothing. The disaster that we predicted didn't happen, infact quite the opposite. The Band told me that his dad is upset about this but he feels that now at least he will have his own grandchildren instead of spoiling others. The band than one evening very proudly commented that he is going to be an uncle and can't wait to buy the baby fancy branded name clothes. That was when I made a pact with myself not to discuss this with the Band any longer.

I did't want to know what was happening. It sickened me. I don't have anything against single moms or having children out of wedlock. Please I do not have my head buried in the sand but these are people who are quick to comment and judge on other people. They have no qualms about jibing at others, blabbering an opinion or merely just discussing any body who they feel like discussing for the moment. The mum as soon as she sees me will fill me in on everyone's gossip. Like I honestly care. I just felt that I couldn't share the band's excitement because it goes against what I believe in. Besides if she has someone serious, shouldn't she bring him home and maybe get married. Nobody knows, or maybe I just dont know who the father is. Yet she keeps proclaiming to work late - when isn't that excuse is what got her knocked up in the first place. Maybe I am old-fashioned or old school but it just doesn't sit right with me.

Nobody has mentioned a word since all was revealed. I supposedly don't know. To be quite honest, I feel like an outsider. Umm hello what do they think that I don't know anything, that the band and I dont communicate. The band doesn't really say anything anymore either. It is like a non-event in our life and yet he is always hovvering over his sister like she is some fragile doll. I know I shouldn't care. It's got nothing to do with me but what about principles. Do I as a member of their family not have a right to know and what happens when she starts showing. How do they explain that one?

I feel like an outsider.