Yesterday marked 5 months since T and I separated. If you have to ask me where the past 5 months have gone too, I cannot account for it. It's as though the past few months have spanned over one single day. It's the same old grind and drudgery that never seems to abate. Yes I have lived I have holidayed, spent time with friends and family, laughed, ate, drank, slept, yes I have lived but with the constant knowledge that my life is in limbo. And I am now tired. Tired of me talking, not talking, saying what I feel, keeping quite, being out there and putting my opinions across, keeping a low profile. I am just tired. Tired because nothing works.
With all that's happened and all that's been said, I have come to the conclusion that T and I are so over. Nothing works and maybe we are just not mean't to be. I cannot and will not play second fiddle to his family. I don't think it's fair to me and it is a real issue for me. That is the bottom line. I don't believe that T doesn't love me. In all this I really doubted that, but after meeting him a few weeks ago, I realised that the spark that we share/shared is still there. I can still look into his eyes and see the warmth and glow that was there. We can still laugh and chat and share special moments but.....
And there is a big but - I am not a big enough priority in his life. Everyone and everything comes first and I must just fit in wherever there is a free gap and that for me is a huge problem. That worked pretty fine while we were still dating, but I am not his girlfriend anymore and it seems he cannot differentiate between me being his girlfriend and his wife. Maybe eventually he will grow up and come to realise this but I am not going to wait around for that to happen. I want to be the priority and I want to be taken care of and I want to be number 1. I was prepared to do that for him and if he cannot do the same for me than there is no point. I cannot compete with his family. I don't want to have to compete with them. Infact I don't begrudge him his family. They have such issues with me and instead of him giving me the benefit of the doubt he sides with them and treats me like the villain and bad guy. Honestly speaking I don't care that they don't like me. Mother in laws have issues with their son's wives' all the time. I don't even want him to take my part but I need him to support me and put me first. Something which he is not capable of doing. In realising this, I have come to the conclusion that I cannot keep fighting this battle. I am fighting it alone and I keep getting nowhere.
And so here I am, trying to navigate my way through this emotional blurriness. It's hard and there are times when I feel so disappointed and so let down. This wasn't supposed to be how it turned out. I think back to when I had just gotten married. I was so drunk on love and deliriously happy. Granted I know that the giddyness of those first few months would not last forever but it wasn't supposed to end up this way. There are times when a memory is triggered and I think back to those happy times. It makes me sad because him and I we had plans, plans to make a life together. Little did I know that those plans would be tarnished by his mother and sister's neediness and dependancy on him. When I think back to all that's been said and done since this whole sorry saga started 9 months ago, I realise now that they should never have let him get married. They cannot let go and need him to be at their beck and call all the time. I feel quite foolish now, because when him and I got married I was quite confident that I would never have to deal with his mummy issues. Him and his mother were never close, she never bothered about him, hardly ever cared what he did etc etc etc. However as soon as I came into the picture, she couldn't do enough for him. Why I keep asking? And not to mention his sister who is 35 years old and is so dependant on her brother it is actually quite sick.
T needs to grow up. However the bottom line is that he doesn't want to. Maybe it suits him, maybe he doesn't know better, maybe they are his blood as he many a time claims. I don't know. However what I do know is that I am not prepared to be second best and I am not prepared to wait around for him to decide to grow up.
And so yes - IT IS OVER.....
