T. I. R. E. D.

So where to from here? T and I have become perfect strangers. We share nothing except a home, a bed, dinner and breathing space when we are together. I find it so hard to keep quite, but it's for the best. To him I am just a convenience. What has changed in our life since we first realised that there is a problem here. Nothing! If I keep quite and pretend to be Mary freaking Poppins, all is fine and life carries on in this abnormal way. If I dare to ask questions, to want to know why - ugly words mean't to hurt get hurled at me. Who are I to this man? Where is the man that I fell in love with? What happened to the man who made my world. I feel only pain, resentment but most of all I feel disappointment.

I have decided what I want. I don't want to live like this anymore. For me this is not a life, it's not a marriage. We literally are not allowed to do anything. We go nowhere, do nothing and basically are confined to these walls as if in a prison. Before I got married, I was still regarding as a child in my mother's eyes. I had to answer to her regardless that I was a grown adult, earning my own keep. She was still responsible for me. I got married ready to embark on my own life, to make my own decisions and my own rules. Instead I married a child, who will only listen to his family and won't venture to make decisions on his own. In all these months that we have been married, what have we done together as a couple. We live like old people who have already lived their life.

I don't want to live like 2 strangers. There is more to a marriage than holding each other in bed every night and there is definitely more to marriage than sex. An average day pans out like this since all these dramas have unfolded: I get up at 5:30 every morning, he is still in bed. I get done ready to go to work. Before I leave, I plan what we going to have dinner, tidy up cos the in laws are always walking through my home during the day. I kiss him goodbye as he is waking up and leave for work at about 6:45. I get to work, put in a full day with not a word from him. If I do happen to call him, he snaps that he is too busy to talk to me and we put the phone down. I come home from work get stuck in the kitchen and make dinner. He is home before me and I usually find him lying on the couch when I get home. We kiss each other hello and I get stuck in the kitchen ready to make dinner. We usually eat at around 6 or 6:30 depending what time I come home. He will ask me how was my day and I will ask him the same which is usually a grunt of ok. We eat in silence or maybe talk about inane stuff like the weather. As soon as he is done eating, he dumps his plate in the sink and slinks off next door. I am also expected to go next door, so after I am done doing the dishes and tidying up the kitchen I make my dutiful appearance and come back. I usually than prepare for the next day and with nothing else to do read a book or magazine. Whenever he decides to come back from there, he watches tv and than we go to bed where he expects me to have sex with him. And so that's the days of our lives.

Well I'm tired of it. It wasn't like this. We used to talk during the day, we used to cuddle and chat like normal couples, we used to go out and have fun. What happened? His sister and her baby happened and all what we had has suddenly gone out the window. I keep wanting to tell him that sex is not an event. It is a sequence!!! I am tired to hearing that I ill treat his family when I have done nothing to them. I am tired of living like a fucking old woman with no life. I am just tired of all this crap. He carry's on like he has done nothing wrong. Everyone blames me. Well I am tired of it. I have told him that if wants to carry on living like this than I want out. Instead of making a life for myself with my husband, I got a prison sentence where my every move is watched and commented on. What sickens me is that his mother and sister will talk to me and pretend that all is so normal. When behind my back they snicker and have lots to say to him. He in turn believes them and prefers to listen to them. I have always done something wrong.

I'm sorry but I do think that I deserve more. If T can't do anything for me than why should I care. He very candidly told me that they are his blood. So what am I to him?

I am just TIRED......