Nostalgic Feelings

I keep attempting to blog but I am so busy at work that I think I have about a ton of drafts saved somewhere on here. I am trying to complete everything before the end of the week. Its that time of the year when things are winding down, funny enough things here are rather hectic. It's busy busy and I can't seem to get my head around things. Just when I get focused enough and feel that things are under control, another curve ball comes whizzing at me. Yesterday I felt like hanging my head in despair. I was just so close to sealing the deal on one of my projects and it all just went pear-shaped. AAAARRGHHHH.....

I must admit that im not really in the mood for work and waking up is a mission. I think I am tired. This has been a really tiresome and emotional year and I am feeling a tad bit sad. I miss the man terribly and although there are only 2 weeks left for him to come back it feels like forever. Also I keep thinking of the crappyness of this year and its kind of making me sad. Than i get reminded about it by events happening which are beyond anyone's control. It just transports me back to all those feelings of uncertainty and confusion. Sweets and I have spoken about it and have sorted out all the issues surrounding our break-up but there are times when I feel really saddened by the way things had to be. Yes we managed to sort out our drama, but it makes me sad.

I understand that no relationship is without drama and yet the past few days I have been feeling a little melancholy. And he is so far away that I can't voice my feelings. Although I did on Sunday and he was being super nice and sweet. But there is only so much that you can say over a text message and than there is always that fear that the person reading might misinterpret what you trying to say and that will just too painful to try and get through. I sometimes wonder how people can have relationships by only texting and chatting online. What if there is something that you want to discuss and how do you have a fight when you both online.... Weird.

So this girl that has been part of Sweet's social circle, actually his parents social circle, got married over the weekend. She was married before and has a child and boy oh boy is she one strange cookie. We never liked each other and when sweets and I were broken up she acted like a complete B!Tch when she saw me. I heard through the grapevine that she wanted him and actually was going to great pains to get him to marry her. And she had a great deal of things to say about me, when she didnt even know me. I remember only too well the day I met them at the airport in April. We were all together going to leave some people going overseas and Sweets and I were barely speaking to each other. She took full advantage of it and was practically all over him. The entire episode just made me sick. I was hurt and upset and honestly did think that there was something going on between them. So anyway she got married this weekend and I must admit that it just made me think of all the ugliness and nastiness of that time.

Although it was a horrible time in my life Sweets and I have become better people. Although he was always sweet and caring he seems to different in a good way. If we have an argument he will rationally tell me that he is putting the phone down and will call me back just now. He does and by than we both have calmed down enough to understand each other. In the past we would just go on and on with each other saying one more mean thing after another. So although it was a sad and confused time in both our lives we have both grown up.

I keep thinking about planning our wedding. It is sooo exciting and I often have to pinch myself to stop for fear of jinxing it. He sms me yesterday to tell me that he wants a big wedding. I know that when he gets back there will be some planning and discussing and first we have to make our engagement official. I must admit that there are times when i freak out that what if things go awry again like last year, but Im crossing my fingers that it wont. I cant help but plan stuff in my little head. I still have to tell my mother. That is a scary prospect - It is just so complicated. Sweet's family and mine are so intricately linked and things are a tad bit complicated at times. We have known them for close on 11 years and at times its scary if things dont work out. I just hope and pray that all goes well. Crossing my fingers here.

Wish Me Luck!!!!!

Mixed Feelings

Its work and work and more work. There are deadlines and projects to hand in and workshops to attend and all this before next week Friday. I cant wait but a part of me is a little worried about whats going to happen here. Its not like things are going to stop - Oh No. I have to hand things over to someone here and I know that she is capable its just that some of the tasks ahead are somewhat near impossible. But come next week Friday I will be smiling cos I leave to go on holiday on Saturday and that is the fun part. I cant wait.



I remember only too well the feelings last year. T and I were on a warpath. It was the beginning of the end for us and I began my holiday with mixed feelings. I was happy that I would be away from here but I was also skeptical because T and I were on such a rocky road. Looking back, I still cant believe that the year is almost over. I can still remember coming back to work in January with a bright smile but all broken up and hurt inside. Looking back this wasnt a very nice year. Yes ive grown up and learnt some lessons that one actually wants to learn but the pain and the heartache and the confusion is something that I would not want to go through again. I know that there were many key players that contributed to the floundering of mine and T's relationship and i know that most of them thought great this is it. Its funny how people seem to thrive on other's misery. However who's having the last laugh now. And the shocked faces on everyone's faces was just good enough for me.



I still haven't told my mother about T and my plans to get engaged. T asked me to marry him a whole long while ago. But we have to make things official with our families. Well he's told them and Ive told my brother. I need to work up the courage to tell her. I think she knows that its going to happen, she is just not expecting it. My mother has been through so much drama over the past year as well that I dont want to alarm her. I think with things going so awry in her life she just wants the best for me and who can blame her. So its picking up the courage to tell her and although she will be thrilled I know that a little part of her is going to be sad.



I cant wait for T to come back. I cant believe how quickly the days are going, but suddenly i feel very nostalgic. I miss him and i cant wait for him to come back. Its only 17 days and he will be back home. I just miss him sooo much. I dont have any plans this weekend and I think its making me miss him more.

Rain

The weather is sooooo shitty.........

:(

Soooo Soooo Sad

6 Weeks and Counting

I havent blogged in a while. Been really busy with what else but work. Things are really hectic and I hardly find time for anything during the day. To top it all I have to present next week at a workshop that we having. I have to come up with a project that I would like to work on and see to completion. It can be anything and does not have to pertain to our department. I really need to get my head around it and think of something that will not only be unique but will also add value.


Friday is our year end function. Our number has grown from an initial 35 to 65. I think it will be cool, the more the merrier right. However the rest of our team isnt so sure. Infact they are a bit irritated that another department is sommer just gatecrashing our party. Im not too fazed about that. Im more panicked about the weather. I dont know what is up with it lately, its like the weather has suddenly gone potty. I mean yesterday it was a glorious summer's day and today its like cold and rainy and downright miserable. So if Friday morning dawns with pouring rain, I will be royally stuffed. I really need to come up with plan B. But where, how, when? It's really short notice. Please, Please God pleeeeeze dont let it rain.... It can begin to pour on Friday evening - I really dont care....

T sms'd me this morning and told me that he is only coming back on the 7th of January. They have had some change of plans. My first reaction was that he was lying. I honestly think that he is lying. See he is like that - he will do that just to see my reaction and will crack up laughing eventually. I sms'd him back telling him that I dont believe him and that he is lying - but his replies have been pretty serious and he wouldnt joke about something like that for so long. I dont know why but I suddenly feel really sad. I miss him so much and the 7th is like soooo far away. Its like another 6 weeks away. Anyway there is nothing I can do about it. At least we text each other - so that is like such a bonus. I do miss him terribly cos there is only so much one can say in an sms. We had a serious conversation last week with regards to him wanting to make things official between us, as in getting engaged. In my culture we do things a little differently. Getting engaged means a huge glamourous affair, with lovely food and pretty clothes. A part of me is really excited, but there is this part of me that also feels a little scared. I keep thinking back to last year and how pear-shaped things went when the whole getting married issue came up. Im scared that things will go awry again. I am trying not to think too much about it until its all official and everyone knows about it and I mean my family when I say everyone. But it is exciting and I cant help but feel a little excited....

I just miss him soooo soooo much....

Scribbles

The weekend was just too busy for my liking. I ended up doing manual physical labour, that was fun, but overall I just felt like a duracell bunny gone flat when Monday morning rolled around. I slept badly and felt like I needed an extra day to recover. Monday's really get to me. I see Mondays as huge giant Potholes in the road of life. And to top it all, we have a standard meeting with my boss for like 2 hours that just gets me into a total daze.

I have decided to focus on getting my work done on time, instead of hurrying towards deadlines at the last minute. I love the pressure and the hype and buzz that comes with reaching a deadline, but sometimes I just feel so strung out. Unfortunately I tend to loose concentration rather quickly which doesnt help much. But hey im trying and after today and the meeting I had with my team - I feel that I can safely say all our deadlines will be me. Our Year End Function is next week and although I am looking forward to it, a part of me is dreading it. We have some real drama queens here that tend to bitch and moan about everything. Anyhow I have decided not to let it get to me and if they want to complain, than so be it.

Im still missing T, more than ever. I love getting sweet little sms's from him, which makes me miss him even more. Although I cant wait for him to come back, I am also a little scared. He wants to make our relationship official and get engaged. The thought is exciting, I mean that is something that every girl, well almost every girl dreams about since she is little. But its also a litle terrifying. After the dramatics and the complications that happened last year, I still sometimes get all antsy and tend to freak out. But I'm working on it and just trying to take one day at a time and trying to focus on the good parts.

As for my career dilemmas, I have decided to seriously take stock of myself come the new year. I need to sit down, decide what I want to do and where I want to go. I have to decide and stop being scared of change and make some decisions. If I dont, I will find myself in the same place next year, with the same complaints and the should haves. Its all about focusing on me and what I want and what's important to me.

Overwhelmed

I am feeling really crappy this morning. I am not sure why, but I am just feeling very overwhelmed this morning. I feel like the world's weight is on my shoulders and everything seems a little out of sync. Things are a bit tense at home. For no real reason actually. Everyone is irritated and snappy and it is really pissing me off. And lets not forget the double standards - that is just grating on my nerves. I honestly feel to cry. Nothing really happened, but I think there is like some bad karma or something about.....

Work is also not really going very nicely at the moment. Things are just a tad bit screwed up. Funny enough this time it has nothing to do with my boss. In fact she has been nothing but nice and very supportive of my indecisive state of where I want to go with my career. Its my customers; internal business partners that are just pissing me off totally. They are just too slow and to be honest a bit irritating. I feel like my life is screaming for a change career wise - but what and where. Everytime I apply for stuff and think that things are going to be fine, things go horribly pear-shaped that I begin to wonder and question if I must move. But I am frustrated and irritated and really feel that I have reached my sell-by date with what I am currently doing. I dont freaking know what to do. What will interest me? What will I enjoy doing? What if I move and I hate it? Aaargh all these questions and no sense of direction. I often look at others who seem so happy and content with what they are doing with a certain amount of envy. And im not meaning envy in a bad way. I also want to be happy and content and love what I do. I also feel that what I studied and what I am doing is 2 different things, which leaves me feeling very frustrated.

To top it all, I miss Sweets. Sweets as in T. Thats my name for him, I just love calling him that. I love that he keeps in touch via sms, but that doesnt make me miss him any less. I miss hearing his voice and the fact that he has that ability to make me smile, no matter how crap I'm feeling. I just miss him sooo much and am feeling really lonely, cos I miss the fact that I cant just pick up the phone and call him..... This 6 weeks thing is really stretching like forever....

I had the most interesting well rather lack there of conversation with someone who I met for the first time. I went to the airport to leave my aunt who also left for overseas yesterday. I must admit that although this is my mum's sister we are not entirely that close with them. They live really far away and through some or other dramatic saga happening at the time, dont really visit them that often. So I dont really have that much in common with my cousins, it's kind of weird - arent cousins supposed to be close or something. Well anyway, back to the point, there was this girl there, who is married into the extended family and whom obviously I have never met. We were there really early and decided to grab some coffee and breakfast. While we were seated at the coffee shop, I ended up sitting next to the girl in question. She and I proceeded to have the following conversation:

Girl: so are you married?
Me: No, im not.
Girl: So how old are you?
Me: Smiling now, I am 25.
Girl: So do you work?
Me: Umm yes, I do.
Girl: Where?
Me: Umm at ............
Girl: So do you drive?
Me: Yes trying not to laugh

End of conversation....

I mean what the F. This girl didnt even bother to ask me my name, where I'm from nothing. She probably thinks Shame, look at her, she is so old and not yet married. Unfortunately that's how life works in your typical Muslim community. You have to go to school, get married and have children. Now I would probably be classified in the weird category and I must admit that are a lot of people who would fall into this category. However there are also a whole lot of them who think that gettting married and having kids is what life is supposed to be. I mean really. What gives? This girl is married, she is younger than me, they have a kid and her husband is still trying to finish some or other qualification. They are supported by their parents and they think that this is life. But what about money and security and all the other not nice things that real life is all about..... Im not saying that I dont want to marry, hell I do and I do want to have kids. I could have had that all last year if I wanted to. It would have saved me a broken heart at the same time. But I just felt that T and I couldnt get married just because everyone else was pressurizing us to do so. It has to be right for both of us. And to be honest when we got back together and decided to try again, im glad that the whole world didnt know about it. So we managed to sort out the shit that caused us to break up without that same inteferences as before. If I have to be honest, despite all the pain and the heartache, we are both in a more mature place than where we were before. And the thought of marriage doesnt scare me anymore. Infact when T told me that he wants to get married and make things official when he comes back, there was a genuine smile on my face. I am not saying that the thought doesnt scare me anymore, I think I am not as aversive to it as I was than.... So yeah - I firmly believe that there is a time and place for everything. You cant do something just because everyone else is...... That is just lame and will probably end up being the biggest mistake ever....

Nostalgia, Insecurities, Hugs N Kisses and Missing T

I don't really like goodbyes. Yes there is always that excitement of when the person comes back but still, Goodbyes are sad, Period. T flew out last night and as we left to come home, I was missing him already. As we stood around waiting, for the plane to board, the feeling of nostalgia and de javu overwhelmed me. It was only 6 months ago that we stood around the same place feeling totally miserable and out of place. T and I were so broken up and were barely talking to each other. Coming home that day felt like returning home from the war and having lost. It was an awful feeling and not one that I would like to go through again.

But yesterday was different and although I was sad that he was going away for a long time, my heart felt lighter and I felt secure in the sense that T really loves me and we are in a place where there is this sense of respect and love and caring. On Sunday night we chatted for a really long time and he again mentioned us getting married next year. He has been talking about it for a while now. I think a part of him is worried that I might get cold feet again like last year. He told me that he is giving me these 6 weeks to decide. I assured him that there is nothing to decide. I've decided already. I must admit that although the thought scares me, I am not as daunted by the idea of it anymore. I just feel scared - scared in the sense of what if it doesnt work.

There are times when I still doubt stuff and I still feel a little insecure. I am not sure where all these insecurities stem from, but a lot has to do with the screwed up relationship that I have with my father. But I think I will leave the dramatics of that for another day. I could feel those familiar pangs of insecurity as he called his friend to say goodbye as we were all standing around waiting for them to board. It was an innocent conversation that was loud enough for me to hear. If I think back to before, if something like that had to happen, I would perform and throw a tantrum and hurl accusations. I tried to not let it get to me, cos in actual fact it was nothing. Just a phone call to say good bye to one of his friends. Although there has never been reason for me to doubt this friendship with her, in the past I constantly had this feeling that every female within a few metres of T wanted to have something with him. However I think that the past year has left me thinking and also made me realise that one of the reasons that T and my relationship floundered was the fact that I would get horribly jealous and insecure and perform and throw tantrums. Pretty childish if you ask me and the past year has made me realise that I have to trust him otherwise there really is no point in us being together. And besides as he keeps pointing out that this is just his friend, he has introduced me to her and he keeps assuring me that I have nothing to worry about. Deep down I know that I have nothing to worry about, but sometimes I just get a little panicked and feel a little insecure. I do tend to overanalsye stuff, which makes me tend to panic and worry about little trivialties that dont make sense. I think in the end its all about keeping perspective and not letting things get to me.

Yesterday as we hugged each other goodbye - I could feel the tears sting and all I wanted to do was hold on for a few minutes longer. But the time had come for them to depart and as he left to walk into customs I could feel myself missing him already. He sms'd me from the plane before they took off which made me feel somewhat better......

43 Days to go and Counting.....