Where do I begin? The last time I posted, was in December last year. That's a whole year, *shock horror*, a whole year of neglecting this blog. Honestly I lost my mojo, not only with regards to blogging but with many other things that interested me at some point in time. I have been lost, functioning in corpse mode trying to find my way as I stumbled through the darkness. I often feel as though I am walking a barren path, with nothing infront of me except this empty wilderness waiting to be explored. Where do I begin, what path do I follow? Or will I find my way as I trudge through this arid, lonely mess.
Its been a long, gruelling journey with often no end in sight. There are times when the barren path provides me with much needed solace where as at other times it threatens like a foe ready for battle. There are days when the activist in me wants to forage ahead full of ideas and inspiration and there are days when the desolation sets in and I cant see past the pain and the anguish that I feel.
I keep telling myself, it wont always be this way. There is a lesson and there is wisdom in this pain too. A fellow blogger Azra, has given me lots to think about. The Almighty has a plan for us all. Wherever I am, is exactly where I am supposed to be right now. There is a lesson in this and everyday I learn a little more. I realise now that every single thing that happened, particularly in these past 2 years was carefully planned and orchestrated through the power and will of the Almighty. I always knew this, we are taught very early on about the Almighty and his power over everything, but I never really understood the true meaning behind it. I always felt I could control everything, when in actual fact there is some degree to which we have control over, like the choices we make. The ultimate plans, lessons and tests are from the man above.
The pain no longer rests in the realisation that the love of my life chose to cheat on me after a mere 8 months of being married. I have carried that pain, nurtured it and made it a part of me but I chose to let that pain go. The hardest thing I have ever had to do is walk away from my marriage. See the love of my life firmly believed that he had done nothing wrong. He denied every single act of infidelity no matter how apparent they were. When he began a half-hearted attempt to reconcile with me earlier this year, it could have been so easy to go back to the old life I knew. The familiar one where the surface was all shiny and beautiful while the bottom was rotten to the very core. There was a time when this was all that I wanted. But the choice had to be made, the pain too raw and deep and the bonds of trust broken. I walked away, the hardest thing I have ever done. I realise now, that it is the best decision I could have ever made. Yes, the barren path is still mine to walk alone but I rather walk the path alone than with a man who inconceivably denies the pain and anguish he caused these last 2 years.
That's how long its been. The spoils of the past are still very much a part of the present. The bizarre ridiculousness of this situation is laughable at the best of times. At other times white hot fury courses through me and I battle to get a grip. The question remains, silent but there - Will this never end? The hardest is putting your trust in the Almighty. I would argue and throw childish tantrums because things did not work out how I wanted them to. Every single time I failed the tests that were put before me. The hardest lesson of all was patience. And in saying that He will make a way, I have faith and I believe in that. When the time is right He will make a way.....
Although the pain and anguish are like battle scars that hurt at the best of times and will probably stay with me forever, the year has been much better than the past 2. I had the fortunate opportunity to visit the Holy lands; Makkah and Madinah. We performed Umrah in April and the experience is one that I will fondly treasure for always. I think I left a little part of me in Madinah the most peaceful place on earth. I constantly yearn to visit again and God willing I will soon. My career has been tumultuous but a welcome breather to the constant pain that I felt. My work is highly pressured and always under scrutiny. Being in HR, one tends to always get blamed for everything that goes wrong. In this past year I have learnt to stand up and be heard, I have developed a sense of self-confidence and an ability to calm and rationalise any situation. I often want to scream out in frustration at my inability to this in my personal life. I guess that's a little closer to home. My work was one area that I did have control over and I have tried my best to succeed. My friends and family have provided me with the best support and encouragement any person can ever ask for. I know that I haven't been the easiest of people to live with, and every single day I am grateful for my family who love me flaws and all. My brother got married earlier this year and what fun we had planning his wedding. The feeling of family and togetherness in happy times, makes one appreciate the finer things in life.
They journey continues and as I continue along this barren land I long for adventure and freedom. I long for change and new opportunities. Ultimately I long for a new path. Prayer has become my beacon and I cling to it as at the best and worst of times, ultimately its all I really have. I feel the connection with the Almighty during these times and I feel at ease that He wont disappoint me. I draw strength from this and try to carry on. The path hasn't been easy and at the best of times it creeps up on me like an old friend. The feelings of pain and bitterness are more acute some days than others. I made the decision a long time ago to feel whatever emotion I am feeling at that time. Instead of suppressing whatever emotion or feeling I am having, I feel it and than let it go. It's the frustration of not moving forward, the hold him and his family still have over me with regards to assets and the bogus legal claims that they bombarded me with late last year. But I have a plan and that is to pray and believe in the Almighty and hope that He will make a way out of this mess and it will be over forever.....
I am hoping that somehow I have regained my blogging mojo. I am interested to engage in some projects (really hope I don't loose interest quickly) and make a success of them.
So here's to me blogging again.....
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Things I learn't in 2010
- That no matter how hard your heart is breaking, the world does not stop for your grief.
- The physical ache of a broken heart and the bitter, vile taste of disappointment is so acute it almost always takes your breath away.
- Positive thinking really does work
- Get up, Dress up and most importantly Show up – no matter how hard it may be
- Smile :)
- Hope and Faith in the Almighty is like a beacon of light when you have lost your way.
- Prayer truly is the balm for the soul
- Family – special moments, laughter and fun times. It’s in trying times that family count the most
- Lasting friendships that seem to grow with every milestone
- How people treat you is their Karma, how you treat them back is yours.
- No matter how much you think you love someone and how much you think that you will never be able to live without them – if you happen to find yourself in such a situation you can and you will.
- That people who you love have a right to leave you and you have to allow them that right
- Nothing lasts forever
- Silence is the best weapon
- It’s not nice to be not nice
- Spending time with little people (kids) is the best therapy
- Although the world outside looks the same, your world is changing and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it except embrace the change and make it work for you
- True character is shown in times of adversity
- Its best to be honest, regardless of how much trouble you going to be in. Honesty is best.
- When faced with choices, the harder of the 2 is usually the right one.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Fairytales
2 years ago today, I walked down the aisle in a billowing white fairy gown, entwined with organza and satin and little swarovski crystals to finish off the detail. The day was magical and I walked down the aisle with the promise of forever etched in my mind.
The sea of pink, white and silver glittered in the lovely December sunlight. There was a sense of magic in the air. My fairtytale had come true and I truly was the princess.
However where fairytales have happy endings, prince Charming on a handsome white horse and happily ever afters my Charming turned out to be quite the monster in disguise and alas my fairytale turned out to be quite a horror movie.
I feel a little sad at times. My wedding was near perfect. One only gets one shot at things like this and I blew that one chance. But I realise now that a perfect, beautiful wedding is not enough for the happily ever after. And T and my happily after is a mere distant memory and one that I would rather leave behind.
And so in saying this -
I am OK. It truly is a miracle, because I never imagined it possible - but I am OK.
Today dawned bright and clear and just as promising as every other day. As the sun will set, all I can say is a prayer of thanks that I have survived and have been saved from a life worse than a prison sentence. I wouldn't want to celebrate this day with the man I married, cos I don't want to be married to him anymore.
I shock myself at times, when I realise this.
But it's the truth..........
The sea of pink, white and silver glittered in the lovely December sunlight. There was a sense of magic in the air. My fairtytale had come true and I truly was the princess.
However where fairytales have happy endings, prince Charming on a handsome white horse and happily ever afters my Charming turned out to be quite the monster in disguise and alas my fairytale turned out to be quite a horror movie.
I feel a little sad at times. My wedding was near perfect. One only gets one shot at things like this and I blew that one chance. But I realise now that a perfect, beautiful wedding is not enough for the happily ever after. And T and my happily after is a mere distant memory and one that I would rather leave behind.
And so in saying this -
I am OK. It truly is a miracle, because I never imagined it possible - but I am OK.
Today dawned bright and clear and just as promising as every other day. As the sun will set, all I can say is a prayer of thanks that I have survived and have been saved from a life worse than a prison sentence. I wouldn't want to celebrate this day with the man I married, cos I don't want to be married to him anymore.
I shock myself at times, when I realise this.
But it's the truth..........
Wednesday, December 01, 2010
Long Overdue Update...
This blog is in serious need of revival......
I cannot believe that it's December already. 2010 is a year I well and truly will never forget. It's been a roller coaster ride, filled with tears and drama and more tears. However the silver lining for me is that I have survived. I am stronger, more persistant, have learnt a few life lessons.
I have Survived.
The last time I posted was in May this year. If I look back, it's all a hazy memory and I battle to remember all that's happened. All I know that a great deal did happen. I don't want to re-hash too much about what happened. The main thing is that I have let go and decided to walk away. That's the important bit. I don't think I will ever really forget what happened, but as the pain and hurt slowly recedes, I realise that I am going to be allright.
It's been a long and lonely road. I think I have functioned in corpse mode for the better part of this year. Every single day, I would wish and hope for some miracle and every single day those hopes were dashed. Prayer became my beacon and I clung to it, fervently praying for a miracle. All I wanted was for this mess to end, for T and I to reconcile and for us to continue living our lives as man and wife. I would sit on my prayer mat, silently praying, questioning, seeking and all the while hurting with raw pain. However I believe that the Almighty knows best and as I sought solace in prayer, the answers and the realisation came. Not to mention the strength and patience to accept the inevitable.
I realise now that T is not the man I married. I don't know who or what he has become. I cannot be with a man like that. He has cheated on me, has total disregard for me and my feelings, has shown no remorse for all that he has done and still continues to do. I count my blessings every single day that we didn't have children together, because than I would be bound to this man forever. I know that for the past year, I have blamed his family for the demise of our marriage. They are not blameless and they have had a hand in every thing that has happened. But I married T and not them. He could have stopped them, he could have prevented a lot of what had happened. Instead he chose to ignore it, sided with them and painted me out to be the villain.
As for his infidelity - it was the final straw that led me to leave in the first place. I couldn't accept this. I couldnt believe that this man out of all people could hurt me in this way and so I shut it out and pretended that it wasn't there. My mind refused to accept it. At first when I left, I was so angry with him. I couldn't imagine being near him, that's how angry I was. But slowly the anger dissipated and all I felt was hurt and pain. It's taken me a long time to accept this and acknowledge the fact that he had/has someone else and instead of his parents putting the record straight, they blamed me and accused me of all sorts of indescretions.
Walkin away from him and our marriage, is one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do. There were times when I couldn't imagine my life without him. Honestly I don't know how I did it, but I feel this sense of freedom and a lightness in my heart that is really hard to imagine sometimes. I realise now that no human being deserves to be treated the way he treated me. I have closed that chapter in my heart and I have realised that T's part in my story is over. It hasn't been easy coming to this. Some days were harder than others. The bitter, vile taste of constant disappointment is something I will never forget. However as days melted into weeks and months, the realisation that I am going to be OK is truimphant enough.
This hasn't been an easy road and we are now fighting a bitter war of assets and money. He has no claims and yet he persists with his ludicrous demands. I have appointed a lawyer to act on my behalf and I'm hoping that all will be resolved soon.
I cannot believe how the time has passed and as the saying goes, Time waits for no man. I don't know where the last few months have gone to. As I made my decision to walk away, a thought that was too hard to imagine before, work became my solace. My staff member was promoted to another position and I had to hold the fort on my own until I found a replacement. This forced me to sit up and take charge. However it's been the best thing that could have happened to me cos it allowed me to prove to myself that I am worthy of something and I can make things happen.
The year has been a nightmare. It's been filled with sadness and pain. However I also believe that I have grown and learn't a few bitter lessons in all off this. Im glad for this, cos whatever the situation one finds oneself, one has to learn from it. I realised last weekend, that I am actually happy and I really need to give thanks. I have my wonderful, incredible family who have been absolute rock stars in supporting me. I have amazing friends who have supported me through this terrible ordeal. I have a job that sustains me and I have my Faith which has grounded me and made me whole again.
I am glad that I have survived and that is the most exhilirating feeling of all.....
In other news - I have made a friend. Im not sure where this Friendship is going to. It's still early days and I must admit it's all very exciting but scary too. There is an element of nervousness and fear and excitement but hey time will tell. If anything's meant to come out of it than it will and if not than fine. Right now it's all about enjoying the moment and making it count.......
I cannot believe that it's December already. 2010 is a year I well and truly will never forget. It's been a roller coaster ride, filled with tears and drama and more tears. However the silver lining for me is that I have survived. I am stronger, more persistant, have learnt a few life lessons.
I have Survived.
The last time I posted was in May this year. If I look back, it's all a hazy memory and I battle to remember all that's happened. All I know that a great deal did happen. I don't want to re-hash too much about what happened. The main thing is that I have let go and decided to walk away. That's the important bit. I don't think I will ever really forget what happened, but as the pain and hurt slowly recedes, I realise that I am going to be allright.
It's been a long and lonely road. I think I have functioned in corpse mode for the better part of this year. Every single day, I would wish and hope for some miracle and every single day those hopes were dashed. Prayer became my beacon and I clung to it, fervently praying for a miracle. All I wanted was for this mess to end, for T and I to reconcile and for us to continue living our lives as man and wife. I would sit on my prayer mat, silently praying, questioning, seeking and all the while hurting with raw pain. However I believe that the Almighty knows best and as I sought solace in prayer, the answers and the realisation came. Not to mention the strength and patience to accept the inevitable.
I realise now that T is not the man I married. I don't know who or what he has become. I cannot be with a man like that. He has cheated on me, has total disregard for me and my feelings, has shown no remorse for all that he has done and still continues to do. I count my blessings every single day that we didn't have children together, because than I would be bound to this man forever. I know that for the past year, I have blamed his family for the demise of our marriage. They are not blameless and they have had a hand in every thing that has happened. But I married T and not them. He could have stopped them, he could have prevented a lot of what had happened. Instead he chose to ignore it, sided with them and painted me out to be the villain.
As for his infidelity - it was the final straw that led me to leave in the first place. I couldn't accept this. I couldnt believe that this man out of all people could hurt me in this way and so I shut it out and pretended that it wasn't there. My mind refused to accept it. At first when I left, I was so angry with him. I couldn't imagine being near him, that's how angry I was. But slowly the anger dissipated and all I felt was hurt and pain. It's taken me a long time to accept this and acknowledge the fact that he had/has someone else and instead of his parents putting the record straight, they blamed me and accused me of all sorts of indescretions.
Walkin away from him and our marriage, is one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do. There were times when I couldn't imagine my life without him. Honestly I don't know how I did it, but I feel this sense of freedom and a lightness in my heart that is really hard to imagine sometimes. I realise now that no human being deserves to be treated the way he treated me. I have closed that chapter in my heart and I have realised that T's part in my story is over. It hasn't been easy coming to this. Some days were harder than others. The bitter, vile taste of constant disappointment is something I will never forget. However as days melted into weeks and months, the realisation that I am going to be OK is truimphant enough.
This hasn't been an easy road and we are now fighting a bitter war of assets and money. He has no claims and yet he persists with his ludicrous demands. I have appointed a lawyer to act on my behalf and I'm hoping that all will be resolved soon.
I cannot believe how the time has passed and as the saying goes, Time waits for no man. I don't know where the last few months have gone to. As I made my decision to walk away, a thought that was too hard to imagine before, work became my solace. My staff member was promoted to another position and I had to hold the fort on my own until I found a replacement. This forced me to sit up and take charge. However it's been the best thing that could have happened to me cos it allowed me to prove to myself that I am worthy of something and I can make things happen.
The year has been a nightmare. It's been filled with sadness and pain. However I also believe that I have grown and learn't a few bitter lessons in all off this. Im glad for this, cos whatever the situation one finds oneself, one has to learn from it. I realised last weekend, that I am actually happy and I really need to give thanks. I have my wonderful, incredible family who have been absolute rock stars in supporting me. I have amazing friends who have supported me through this terrible ordeal. I have a job that sustains me and I have my Faith which has grounded me and made me whole again.
I am glad that I have survived and that is the most exhilirating feeling of all.....
In other news - I have made a friend. Im not sure where this Friendship is going to. It's still early days and I must admit it's all very exciting but scary too. There is an element of nervousness and fear and excitement but hey time will tell. If anything's meant to come out of it than it will and if not than fine. Right now it's all about enjoying the moment and making it count.......
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Hello World...
I'm still around..........
Just haven't had the energy to write... My life is still a mish mash of sorts and making sense of it all can be quite daunting at times......
But I will be back........ Soon..... I Hope!
Just haven't had the energy to write... My life is still a mish mash of sorts and making sense of it all can be quite daunting at times......
But I will be back........ Soon..... I Hope!
Wednesday, April 07, 2010
It's Over....
Yesterday marked 5 months since T and I separated. If you have to ask me where the past 5 months have gone too, I cannot account for it. It's as though the past few months have spanned over one single day. It's the same old grind and drudgery that never seems to abate. Yes I have lived I have holidayed, spent time with friends and family, laughed, ate, drank, slept, yes I have lived but with the constant knowledge that my life is in limbo. And I am now tired. Tired of me talking, not talking, saying what I feel, keeping quite, being out there and putting my opinions across, keeping a low profile. I am just tired. Tired because nothing works.
With all that's happened and all that's been said, I have come to the conclusion that T and I are so over. Nothing works and maybe we are just not mean't to be. I cannot and will not play second fiddle to his family. I don't think it's fair to me and it is a real issue for me. That is the bottom line. I don't believe that T doesn't love me. In all this I really doubted that, but after meeting him a few weeks ago, I realised that the spark that we share/shared is still there. I can still look into his eyes and see the warmth and glow that was there. We can still laugh and chat and share special moments but.....
And there is a big but - I am not a big enough priority in his life. Everyone and everything comes first and I must just fit in wherever there is a free gap and that for me is a huge problem. That worked pretty fine while we were still dating, but I am not his girlfriend anymore and it seems he cannot differentiate between me being his girlfriend and his wife. Maybe eventually he will grow up and come to realise this but I am not going to wait around for that to happen. I want to be the priority and I want to be taken care of and I want to be number 1. I was prepared to do that for him and if he cannot do the same for me than there is no point. I cannot compete with his family. I don't want to have to compete with them. Infact I don't begrudge him his family. They have such issues with me and instead of him giving me the benefit of the doubt he sides with them and treats me like the villain and bad guy. Honestly speaking I don't care that they don't like me. Mother in laws have issues with their son's wives' all the time. I don't even want him to take my part but I need him to support me and put me first. Something which he is not capable of doing. In realising this, I have come to the conclusion that I cannot keep fighting this battle. I am fighting it alone and I keep getting nowhere.
And so here I am, trying to navigate my way through this emotional blurriness. It's hard and there are times when I feel so disappointed and so let down. This wasn't supposed to be how it turned out. I think back to when I had just gotten married. I was so drunk on love and deliriously happy. Granted I know that the giddyness of those first few months would not last forever but it wasn't supposed to end up this way. There are times when a memory is triggered and I think back to those happy times. It makes me sad because him and I we had plans, plans to make a life together. Little did I know that those plans would be tarnished by his mother and sister's neediness and dependancy on him. When I think back to all that's been said and done since this whole sorry saga started 9 months ago, I realise now that they should never have let him get married. They cannot let go and need him to be at their beck and call all the time. I feel quite foolish now, because when him and I got married I was quite confident that I would never have to deal with his mummy issues. Him and his mother were never close, she never bothered about him, hardly ever cared what he did etc etc etc. However as soon as I came into the picture, she couldn't do enough for him. Why I keep asking? And not to mention his sister who is 35 years old and is so dependant on her brother it is actually quite sick.
T needs to grow up. However the bottom line is that he doesn't want to. Maybe it suits him, maybe he doesn't know better, maybe they are his blood as he many a time claims. I don't know. However what I do know is that I am not prepared to be second best and I am not prepared to wait around for him to decide to grow up.
And so yes - IT IS OVER.....
With all that's happened and all that's been said, I have come to the conclusion that T and I are so over. Nothing works and maybe we are just not mean't to be. I cannot and will not play second fiddle to his family. I don't think it's fair to me and it is a real issue for me. That is the bottom line. I don't believe that T doesn't love me. In all this I really doubted that, but after meeting him a few weeks ago, I realised that the spark that we share/shared is still there. I can still look into his eyes and see the warmth and glow that was there. We can still laugh and chat and share special moments but.....
And there is a big but - I am not a big enough priority in his life. Everyone and everything comes first and I must just fit in wherever there is a free gap and that for me is a huge problem. That worked pretty fine while we were still dating, but I am not his girlfriend anymore and it seems he cannot differentiate between me being his girlfriend and his wife. Maybe eventually he will grow up and come to realise this but I am not going to wait around for that to happen. I want to be the priority and I want to be taken care of and I want to be number 1. I was prepared to do that for him and if he cannot do the same for me than there is no point. I cannot compete with his family. I don't want to have to compete with them. Infact I don't begrudge him his family. They have such issues with me and instead of him giving me the benefit of the doubt he sides with them and treats me like the villain and bad guy. Honestly speaking I don't care that they don't like me. Mother in laws have issues with their son's wives' all the time. I don't even want him to take my part but I need him to support me and put me first. Something which he is not capable of doing. In realising this, I have come to the conclusion that I cannot keep fighting this battle. I am fighting it alone and I keep getting nowhere.
And so here I am, trying to navigate my way through this emotional blurriness. It's hard and there are times when I feel so disappointed and so let down. This wasn't supposed to be how it turned out. I think back to when I had just gotten married. I was so drunk on love and deliriously happy. Granted I know that the giddyness of those first few months would not last forever but it wasn't supposed to end up this way. There are times when a memory is triggered and I think back to those happy times. It makes me sad because him and I we had plans, plans to make a life together. Little did I know that those plans would be tarnished by his mother and sister's neediness and dependancy on him. When I think back to all that's been said and done since this whole sorry saga started 9 months ago, I realise now that they should never have let him get married. They cannot let go and need him to be at their beck and call all the time. I feel quite foolish now, because when him and I got married I was quite confident that I would never have to deal with his mummy issues. Him and his mother were never close, she never bothered about him, hardly ever cared what he did etc etc etc. However as soon as I came into the picture, she couldn't do enough for him. Why I keep asking? And not to mention his sister who is 35 years old and is so dependant on her brother it is actually quite sick.
T needs to grow up. However the bottom line is that he doesn't want to. Maybe it suits him, maybe he doesn't know better, maybe they are his blood as he many a time claims. I don't know. However what I do know is that I am not prepared to be second best and I am not prepared to wait around for him to decide to grow up.
And so yes - IT IS OVER.....
Monday, March 01, 2010
In Conflict with Myself...
My mind is a whirlwind of thoughts. I have felt a sort of freedom for this past 2 weeks. T is away overseas. The not knowing still plagues me and while a feeling of freedom enveloped me since they left, they are due back this week and I find myself suddenly stressed and worried. T and his dad were planning to go for Umrah since all this crap started. Towards the end of January, the Uncle who is mediating through all this crap, MB, called and said that they want me to go with them. What a wonderful opportunity; to visit Allah's house, the most favoured place on the planet, to sort out our issues and hopefully pray and find spiritual healing and once again cement our union. I must admit, I was weary. Nothing was resolved here and we can go and make Umrah but what happens when we come back. At the time T and I were barely talking to each other. The trip was scheduled and we would be travelling with his mum and dad and some cousin. If they had decided to send us alone I would gladly have taken the opportunity in an attempt to fix the mess that we had created. I voiced my concerns to MB and he was very accomodating but still asked me to think about it. I did not refuse, I just questioned the facts.
Well that was the end of that. Nobody pursued the matter and although a meeting was held in early February (after much pushing from my family), which turned out to be an even bigger disaster than any of the previous mediation sessions, I decided not to go. A week or so later, I heard that the sister and her baby were also going with. My decision had been made and I was sticking to it.
I find myself battling emotions and a barrage of conflicting thoughts. I really want to make my marriage work. But how I keep questioning. T and I are the two that need to work things out, however to this day,the gripes that keep coming up are not about anything that I did to him. It's his mother's and sister's and father's gripes. They range from not eating the food the mum cooked, not wanting to interact with them, not offering to buy the baby clothes 4 months before the baby was even born, me having issues with their family who are dark, me having an issue with the maid bathing in my guest bathroom (and yes I do have an issue with that but that's another debate all on it's own), me leaving early in the morning to go and have breakfast at my mother's. It's all petty shit but it's their gripes against me. I am such a villain in their life. The gripes are nothing about T and I. It's only all their issues. So how do I make this marriage to work when I am this bad-assed daughter in law and T goes with whatever they feed him. That is why with all these gripes that they have against me, how was it going to be possible to go to a foreign country and pretend that all is hunky dory. They pretty great at shoving everything under the musallah* and pretend that life is just great.
I feel angry at T. I married him and he is the one who is supposed to care for me, protect me, look after me etc etc etc. Instead he goes with their gripes and fights with me. I am not asking for much just love, commitment and a partner to share my life with. I don't care about the gorgeous house or the fancy cars. Before T left we had a serious conversation (well it was serious on my side) and I asked him to really think about us and our marriage. I asked him to pray and decide what he really wants. I made it clear that if had changed his mind about being married to me than I would be fine with it but than he should stope blaming me, cos I didn't change the game - he did. I also told him to think about the plans that we made to share a life together and think really nicely about what he really wants. I too pray daily that he will decide and come back having made a firm decision and than to stick by it. I was honest in my feelings and made it pretty clear how I feel about him. I don't think pride is going to get any of us anywhere.
I haven't heard from him in this 2 weeks. Maybe it's a good thing, I don't know. Honestly speaking I feel very angry. Angry and hurt. T is my husband, we were supposed to make that trip together as husband and wife. I feel anger that while this spiritual retreat is important, the resolution of our marriage is just as important and they could have resolved things before they left and if things were resolved I could have went with. Instead they have marked it as an event, just like the baby's birth, and they claim that they will resolve things when they return. I for one am not holding my breathe. And so I have resigned my fate into the hands of the Almighty Allah. While I felt hurt that T had went on his own, I decided to leave him to do just that. Maybe in some way he will find the answers that will enable him to find his way.
And this is where the conflict starts. This month marks 7 months since all this started. 7 Months of consistent shit, pain and anguish. While I really want to make my marriage to work, I cannot do it alone and I need T to take on that responsibility. However I placed my faith and trust in him. He is my husband and his responsibility is to take care of me. Instead he shunned all responsibility and sided with his family and all their gripes. I don't begrudge him his family. In their own way they are good people, but their dependency on him and than the never-ending issues that they have with me led him to treat me like public enemy number . As I have said, I don't begrudge him his family, they are his parents and sister - but what about me. If they cannot accept that he is now a married man with responsibilities to his wife than they shouldn't have allowed him to get married in the first place. So while I am/was (i'm not sure where I stand anymore) willing to make this work, I feel terrified that who's to say that it won't happen again.
I feel scared that I placed my faith in T as my husband and he destroyed that faith. I know that in life there are no guarantees, I walked into my marriage with my eyes wide open. I knew T wasn't perfect. But he was my perfect. I was willing to take the risks because I felt that our bond was enough to withstand anything. How wrong was I?
So yes while I love T and probably always will, there is a part of me that also really hates him. While this part of me believes and has faith (even though day after day those hopes get dashed) that we will be able to work things out there is this part of me that feels angry at the pain he caused me. Instead of protecting me, he hurt me and I don't know if I can move past that.
*Musallah - prayer mat
Well that was the end of that. Nobody pursued the matter and although a meeting was held in early February (after much pushing from my family), which turned out to be an even bigger disaster than any of the previous mediation sessions, I decided not to go. A week or so later, I heard that the sister and her baby were also going with. My decision had been made and I was sticking to it.
I find myself battling emotions and a barrage of conflicting thoughts. I really want to make my marriage work. But how I keep questioning. T and I are the two that need to work things out, however to this day,the gripes that keep coming up are not about anything that I did to him. It's his mother's and sister's and father's gripes. They range from not eating the food the mum cooked, not wanting to interact with them, not offering to buy the baby clothes 4 months before the baby was even born, me having issues with their family who are dark, me having an issue with the maid bathing in my guest bathroom (and yes I do have an issue with that but that's another debate all on it's own), me leaving early in the morning to go and have breakfast at my mother's. It's all petty shit but it's their gripes against me. I am such a villain in their life. The gripes are nothing about T and I. It's only all their issues. So how do I make this marriage to work when I am this bad-assed daughter in law and T goes with whatever they feed him. That is why with all these gripes that they have against me, how was it going to be possible to go to a foreign country and pretend that all is hunky dory. They pretty great at shoving everything under the musallah* and pretend that life is just great.
I feel angry at T. I married him and he is the one who is supposed to care for me, protect me, look after me etc etc etc. Instead he goes with their gripes and fights with me. I am not asking for much just love, commitment and a partner to share my life with. I don't care about the gorgeous house or the fancy cars. Before T left we had a serious conversation (well it was serious on my side) and I asked him to really think about us and our marriage. I asked him to pray and decide what he really wants. I made it clear that if had changed his mind about being married to me than I would be fine with it but than he should stope blaming me, cos I didn't change the game - he did. I also told him to think about the plans that we made to share a life together and think really nicely about what he really wants. I too pray daily that he will decide and come back having made a firm decision and than to stick by it. I was honest in my feelings and made it pretty clear how I feel about him. I don't think pride is going to get any of us anywhere.
I haven't heard from him in this 2 weeks. Maybe it's a good thing, I don't know. Honestly speaking I feel very angry. Angry and hurt. T is my husband, we were supposed to make that trip together as husband and wife. I feel anger that while this spiritual retreat is important, the resolution of our marriage is just as important and they could have resolved things before they left and if things were resolved I could have went with. Instead they have marked it as an event, just like the baby's birth, and they claim that they will resolve things when they return. I for one am not holding my breathe. And so I have resigned my fate into the hands of the Almighty Allah. While I felt hurt that T had went on his own, I decided to leave him to do just that. Maybe in some way he will find the answers that will enable him to find his way.
And this is where the conflict starts. This month marks 7 months since all this started. 7 Months of consistent shit, pain and anguish. While I really want to make my marriage to work, I cannot do it alone and I need T to take on that responsibility. However I placed my faith and trust in him. He is my husband and his responsibility is to take care of me. Instead he shunned all responsibility and sided with his family and all their gripes. I don't begrudge him his family. In their own way they are good people, but their dependency on him and than the never-ending issues that they have with me led him to treat me like public enemy number . As I have said, I don't begrudge him his family, they are his parents and sister - but what about me. If they cannot accept that he is now a married man with responsibilities to his wife than they shouldn't have allowed him to get married in the first place. So while I am/was (i'm not sure where I stand anymore) willing to make this work, I feel terrified that who's to say that it won't happen again.
I feel scared that I placed my faith in T as my husband and he destroyed that faith. I know that in life there are no guarantees, I walked into my marriage with my eyes wide open. I knew T wasn't perfect. But he was my perfect. I was willing to take the risks because I felt that our bond was enough to withstand anything. How wrong was I?
So yes while I love T and probably always will, there is a part of me that also really hates him. While this part of me believes and has faith (even though day after day those hopes get dashed) that we will be able to work things out there is this part of me that feels angry at the pain he caused me. Instead of protecting me, he hurt me and I don't know if I can move past that.
*Musallah - prayer mat
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