Yesterday marked 5 months since T and I separated. If you have to ask me where the past 5 months have gone too, I cannot account for it. It's as though the past few months have spanned over one single day. It's the same old grind and drudgery that never seems to abate. Yes I have lived I have holidayed, spent time with friends and family, laughed, ate, drank, slept, yes I have lived but with the constant knowledge that my life is in limbo. And I am now tired. Tired of me talking, not talking, saying what I feel, keeping quite, being out there and putting my opinions across, keeping a low profile. I am just tired. Tired because nothing works.
With all that's happened and all that's been said, I have come to the conclusion that T and I are so over. Nothing works and maybe we are just not mean't to be. I cannot and will not play second fiddle to his family. I don't think it's fair to me and it is a real issue for me. That is the bottom line. I don't believe that T doesn't love me. In all this I really doubted that, but after meeting him a few weeks ago, I realised that the spark that we share/shared is still there. I can still look into his eyes and see the warmth and glow that was there. We can still laugh and chat and share special moments but.....
And there is a big but - I am not a big enough priority in his life. Everyone and everything comes first and I must just fit in wherever there is a free gap and that for me is a huge problem. That worked pretty fine while we were still dating, but I am not his girlfriend anymore and it seems he cannot differentiate between me being his girlfriend and his wife. Maybe eventually he will grow up and come to realise this but I am not going to wait around for that to happen. I want to be the priority and I want to be taken care of and I want to be number 1. I was prepared to do that for him and if he cannot do the same for me than there is no point. I cannot compete with his family. I don't want to have to compete with them. Infact I don't begrudge him his family. They have such issues with me and instead of him giving me the benefit of the doubt he sides with them and treats me like the villain and bad guy. Honestly speaking I don't care that they don't like me. Mother in laws have issues with their son's wives' all the time. I don't even want him to take my part but I need him to support me and put me first. Something which he is not capable of doing. In realising this, I have come to the conclusion that I cannot keep fighting this battle. I am fighting it alone and I keep getting nowhere.
And so here I am, trying to navigate my way through this emotional blurriness. It's hard and there are times when I feel so disappointed and so let down. This wasn't supposed to be how it turned out. I think back to when I had just gotten married. I was so drunk on love and deliriously happy. Granted I know that the giddyness of those first few months would not last forever but it wasn't supposed to end up this way. There are times when a memory is triggered and I think back to those happy times. It makes me sad because him and I we had plans, plans to make a life together. Little did I know that those plans would be tarnished by his mother and sister's neediness and dependancy on him. When I think back to all that's been said and done since this whole sorry saga started 9 months ago, I realise now that they should never have let him get married. They cannot let go and need him to be at their beck and call all the time. I feel quite foolish now, because when him and I got married I was quite confident that I would never have to deal with his mummy issues. Him and his mother were never close, she never bothered about him, hardly ever cared what he did etc etc etc. However as soon as I came into the picture, she couldn't do enough for him. Why I keep asking? And not to mention his sister who is 35 years old and is so dependant on her brother it is actually quite sick.
T needs to grow up. However the bottom line is that he doesn't want to. Maybe it suits him, maybe he doesn't know better, maybe they are his blood as he many a time claims. I don't know. However what I do know is that I am not prepared to be second best and I am not prepared to wait around for him to decide to grow up.
And so yes - IT IS OVER.....
Wednesday, April 07, 2010
Monday, March 01, 2010
In Conflict with Myself...
My mind is a whirlwind of thoughts. I have felt a sort of freedom for this past 2 weeks. T is away overseas. The not knowing still plagues me and while a feeling of freedom enveloped me since they left, they are due back this week and I find myself suddenly stressed and worried. T and his dad were planning to go for Umrah since all this crap started. Towards the end of January, the Uncle who is mediating through all this crap, MB, called and said that they want me to go with them. What a wonderful opportunity; to visit Allah's house, the most favoured place on the planet, to sort out our issues and hopefully pray and find spiritual healing and once again cement our union. I must admit, I was weary. Nothing was resolved here and we can go and make Umrah but what happens when we come back. At the time T and I were barely talking to each other. The trip was scheduled and we would be travelling with his mum and dad and some cousin. If they had decided to send us alone I would gladly have taken the opportunity in an attempt to fix the mess that we had created. I voiced my concerns to MB and he was very accomodating but still asked me to think about it. I did not refuse, I just questioned the facts.
Well that was the end of that. Nobody pursued the matter and although a meeting was held in early February (after much pushing from my family), which turned out to be an even bigger disaster than any of the previous mediation sessions, I decided not to go. A week or so later, I heard that the sister and her baby were also going with. My decision had been made and I was sticking to it.
I find myself battling emotions and a barrage of conflicting thoughts. I really want to make my marriage work. But how I keep questioning. T and I are the two that need to work things out, however to this day,the gripes that keep coming up are not about anything that I did to him. It's his mother's and sister's and father's gripes. They range from not eating the food the mum cooked, not wanting to interact with them, not offering to buy the baby clothes 4 months before the baby was even born, me having issues with their family who are dark, me having an issue with the maid bathing in my guest bathroom (and yes I do have an issue with that but that's another debate all on it's own), me leaving early in the morning to go and have breakfast at my mother's. It's all petty shit but it's their gripes against me. I am such a villain in their life. The gripes are nothing about T and I. It's only all their issues. So how do I make this marriage to work when I am this bad-assed daughter in law and T goes with whatever they feed him. That is why with all these gripes that they have against me, how was it going to be possible to go to a foreign country and pretend that all is hunky dory. They pretty great at shoving everything under the musallah* and pretend that life is just great.
I feel angry at T. I married him and he is the one who is supposed to care for me, protect me, look after me etc etc etc. Instead he goes with their gripes and fights with me. I am not asking for much just love, commitment and a partner to share my life with. I don't care about the gorgeous house or the fancy cars. Before T left we had a serious conversation (well it was serious on my side) and I asked him to really think about us and our marriage. I asked him to pray and decide what he really wants. I made it clear that if had changed his mind about being married to me than I would be fine with it but than he should stope blaming me, cos I didn't change the game - he did. I also told him to think about the plans that we made to share a life together and think really nicely about what he really wants. I too pray daily that he will decide and come back having made a firm decision and than to stick by it. I was honest in my feelings and made it pretty clear how I feel about him. I don't think pride is going to get any of us anywhere.
I haven't heard from him in this 2 weeks. Maybe it's a good thing, I don't know. Honestly speaking I feel very angry. Angry and hurt. T is my husband, we were supposed to make that trip together as husband and wife. I feel anger that while this spiritual retreat is important, the resolution of our marriage is just as important and they could have resolved things before they left and if things were resolved I could have went with. Instead they have marked it as an event, just like the baby's birth, and they claim that they will resolve things when they return. I for one am not holding my breathe. And so I have resigned my fate into the hands of the Almighty Allah. While I felt hurt that T had went on his own, I decided to leave him to do just that. Maybe in some way he will find the answers that will enable him to find his way.
And this is where the conflict starts. This month marks 7 months since all this started. 7 Months of consistent shit, pain and anguish. While I really want to make my marriage to work, I cannot do it alone and I need T to take on that responsibility. However I placed my faith and trust in him. He is my husband and his responsibility is to take care of me. Instead he shunned all responsibility and sided with his family and all their gripes. I don't begrudge him his family. In their own way they are good people, but their dependency on him and than the never-ending issues that they have with me led him to treat me like public enemy number . As I have said, I don't begrudge him his family, they are his parents and sister - but what about me. If they cannot accept that he is now a married man with responsibilities to his wife than they shouldn't have allowed him to get married in the first place. So while I am/was (i'm not sure where I stand anymore) willing to make this work, I feel terrified that who's to say that it won't happen again.
I feel scared that I placed my faith in T as my husband and he destroyed that faith. I know that in life there are no guarantees, I walked into my marriage with my eyes wide open. I knew T wasn't perfect. But he was my perfect. I was willing to take the risks because I felt that our bond was enough to withstand anything. How wrong was I?
So yes while I love T and probably always will, there is a part of me that also really hates him. While this part of me believes and has faith (even though day after day those hopes get dashed) that we will be able to work things out there is this part of me that feels angry at the pain he caused me. Instead of protecting me, he hurt me and I don't know if I can move past that.
*Musallah - prayer mat
Well that was the end of that. Nobody pursued the matter and although a meeting was held in early February (after much pushing from my family), which turned out to be an even bigger disaster than any of the previous mediation sessions, I decided not to go. A week or so later, I heard that the sister and her baby were also going with. My decision had been made and I was sticking to it.
I find myself battling emotions and a barrage of conflicting thoughts. I really want to make my marriage work. But how I keep questioning. T and I are the two that need to work things out, however to this day,the gripes that keep coming up are not about anything that I did to him. It's his mother's and sister's and father's gripes. They range from not eating the food the mum cooked, not wanting to interact with them, not offering to buy the baby clothes 4 months before the baby was even born, me having issues with their family who are dark, me having an issue with the maid bathing in my guest bathroom (and yes I do have an issue with that but that's another debate all on it's own), me leaving early in the morning to go and have breakfast at my mother's. It's all petty shit but it's their gripes against me. I am such a villain in their life. The gripes are nothing about T and I. It's only all their issues. So how do I make this marriage to work when I am this bad-assed daughter in law and T goes with whatever they feed him. That is why with all these gripes that they have against me, how was it going to be possible to go to a foreign country and pretend that all is hunky dory. They pretty great at shoving everything under the musallah* and pretend that life is just great.
I feel angry at T. I married him and he is the one who is supposed to care for me, protect me, look after me etc etc etc. Instead he goes with their gripes and fights with me. I am not asking for much just love, commitment and a partner to share my life with. I don't care about the gorgeous house or the fancy cars. Before T left we had a serious conversation (well it was serious on my side) and I asked him to really think about us and our marriage. I asked him to pray and decide what he really wants. I made it clear that if had changed his mind about being married to me than I would be fine with it but than he should stope blaming me, cos I didn't change the game - he did. I also told him to think about the plans that we made to share a life together and think really nicely about what he really wants. I too pray daily that he will decide and come back having made a firm decision and than to stick by it. I was honest in my feelings and made it pretty clear how I feel about him. I don't think pride is going to get any of us anywhere.
I haven't heard from him in this 2 weeks. Maybe it's a good thing, I don't know. Honestly speaking I feel very angry. Angry and hurt. T is my husband, we were supposed to make that trip together as husband and wife. I feel anger that while this spiritual retreat is important, the resolution of our marriage is just as important and they could have resolved things before they left and if things were resolved I could have went with. Instead they have marked it as an event, just like the baby's birth, and they claim that they will resolve things when they return. I for one am not holding my breathe. And so I have resigned my fate into the hands of the Almighty Allah. While I felt hurt that T had went on his own, I decided to leave him to do just that. Maybe in some way he will find the answers that will enable him to find his way.
And this is where the conflict starts. This month marks 7 months since all this started. 7 Months of consistent shit, pain and anguish. While I really want to make my marriage to work, I cannot do it alone and I need T to take on that responsibility. However I placed my faith and trust in him. He is my husband and his responsibility is to take care of me. Instead he shunned all responsibility and sided with his family and all their gripes. I don't begrudge him his family. In their own way they are good people, but their dependency on him and than the never-ending issues that they have with me led him to treat me like public enemy number . As I have said, I don't begrudge him his family, they are his parents and sister - but what about me. If they cannot accept that he is now a married man with responsibilities to his wife than they shouldn't have allowed him to get married in the first place. So while I am/was (i'm not sure where I stand anymore) willing to make this work, I feel terrified that who's to say that it won't happen again.
I feel scared that I placed my faith in T as my husband and he destroyed that faith. I know that in life there are no guarantees, I walked into my marriage with my eyes wide open. I knew T wasn't perfect. But he was my perfect. I was willing to take the risks because I felt that our bond was enough to withstand anything. How wrong was I?
So yes while I love T and probably always will, there is a part of me that also really hates him. While this part of me believes and has faith (even though day after day those hopes get dashed) that we will be able to work things out there is this part of me that feels angry at the pain he caused me. Instead of protecting me, he hurt me and I don't know if I can move past that.
*Musallah - prayer mat
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Something for my new found fans.....
Hmmm - To all my new found fans.....
My previous blog post was about me. I needed to vent. Some new developments had occured and I needed to vent. I don't need to explain to anyone, as this is my blog. Yes it might be on the internet for all the world to see but this is my blog. My personal space to vent and write and put things into perspective. To me writing down what I am feeling is a catharsis and a means to understand the tumultous thoughts that constantly whirl through my mind. So to the anon's who feel quick to judge me, you don't know me. You don't know my life, you don't know what i've been through and what I continue to go through. So yes you are welcome to your opinions, I cannot stop that but YOU DON'T KNOW ME! You all talk about judging - so how come you judging me..... As I have said, this is my blog, my personal space so if I want to judge and vent and rant and rave - Guess What - I can.
I am a devout Muslim and I firmly believe in fate and destiny. I believe that whatever happens, happens for a reason and for me right now that reason is pretty hazy and fuzzy but I am confident that those reasons will eventually come to the fore and this drama will come to an end. I have faith in God and I have faith that this is just a test and this too shall pass. He is the Supreme Being and He controls everything. Yes I do feel sorry for myself, yes there are days when I feel that the world owes me something, and yes I do feel crap most of the time because I feel like I am fighting a war that never ends. Yet I try to carry on with the day, give thanks for all that I do have and continue to have faith in God that the sun will shine again. However I AM BUT HUMAN.....
Caz - Thanks lady. I always used to wonder if many people ever read my blog. I guess I got my answer now. Instead of lurking and placing anonymous comments why don't they own up and say what they have to say by signing their names. I know we all go through different trials in life, but the pain and the hurt is all the same. And yes, people who cannot understand it probably never had to go through a tough time or are just bitter and full of resentment.
Anon 3 (Tal) - Thanks for always commenting. Your thoughts and insights are always welcoming....
Cassey - Thanks for the support....
My previous blog post was about me. I needed to vent. Some new developments had occured and I needed to vent. I don't need to explain to anyone, as this is my blog. Yes it might be on the internet for all the world to see but this is my blog. My personal space to vent and write and put things into perspective. To me writing down what I am feeling is a catharsis and a means to understand the tumultous thoughts that constantly whirl through my mind. So to the anon's who feel quick to judge me, you don't know me. You don't know my life, you don't know what i've been through and what I continue to go through. So yes you are welcome to your opinions, I cannot stop that but YOU DON'T KNOW ME! You all talk about judging - so how come you judging me..... As I have said, this is my blog, my personal space so if I want to judge and vent and rant and rave - Guess What - I can.
I am a devout Muslim and I firmly believe in fate and destiny. I believe that whatever happens, happens for a reason and for me right now that reason is pretty hazy and fuzzy but I am confident that those reasons will eventually come to the fore and this drama will come to an end. I have faith in God and I have faith that this is just a test and this too shall pass. He is the Supreme Being and He controls everything. Yes I do feel sorry for myself, yes there are days when I feel that the world owes me something, and yes I do feel crap most of the time because I feel like I am fighting a war that never ends. Yet I try to carry on with the day, give thanks for all that I do have and continue to have faith in God that the sun will shine again. However I AM BUT HUMAN.....
Caz - Thanks lady. I always used to wonder if many people ever read my blog. I guess I got my answer now. Instead of lurking and placing anonymous comments why don't they own up and say what they have to say by signing their names. I know we all go through different trials in life, but the pain and the hurt is all the same. And yes, people who cannot understand it probably never had to go through a tough time or are just bitter and full of resentment.
Anon 3 (Tal) - Thanks for always commenting. Your thoughts and insights are always welcoming....
Cassey - Thanks for the support....
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Monday, February 15, 2010
Thursday, February 11, 2010
My World and you....
You call and my world comes alive with bursts of colour and promise. The sound of your voice makes me weak at the knees and my heart feels like it's going to jump out, that's how fast it beats. I find myself walking around with silly little secret smiles and thoughts and my mind wanders to you.
I see you and my world ceases to exist. Everything comes to a crashing halt. My world is full of energy and I can actually smile again. We dance around with flirty words and thoughts that spell a lifetime of memories. We laugh and joke, tease and banter, chatter and converse. The world is a happy colourful place again.
Than you disappear in a flash of dust.
And my world is grey again........
I see you and my world ceases to exist. Everything comes to a crashing halt. My world is full of energy and I can actually smile again. We dance around with flirty words and thoughts that spell a lifetime of memories. We laugh and joke, tease and banter, chatter and converse. The world is a happy colourful place again.
Than you disappear in a flash of dust.
And my world is grey again........
Thursday, February 04, 2010
I was robbed....
I was robbed yesterday afternoon. I was on my way home from fetching my brother at medical school when we were accosted by 2 thugs who demanded we hand over our cellphones. My brother A and I were travelling home in peak hour traffic with cars all around us when these 2 guys waltzed over and started screaming for us to hand over our phones to them.
We were stuck in peak hour traffic, it was sweltering hot outside and my window was open. Enough invitation for them to strike. A guy casually strolled towards us and when i tried to close my window he put his hand onto the car door jamming the window from being rolled up. Another guy than came from the back and started screaming in my face to give him my phone. Guy #1 than turned the key in the ignition so that the car switched off. I obliged although at that minute all I wanted to scream back was hell no. They than asked for my brother's phone and as they continued screaming for it, I told them to not do anything he is giving it to them. They than ordered us to drive off and they ran off.
It was a horrible experience. As I drove away I burst into tears and couldn't even drive home. My legs had turned to jelly and I battled to keep control of the car. It might not have been bad where they pulled weapons on us or where we were injured but the whole experience has left me quite unhinged today. It made me feel even more vulnerable than I already am. The whole experience made me really miss T and the fact that he doesn't even know that this has happened to me makes me feel even more crap. I wonder if he will even care.
I won't give up and I wont loose faith. I cannot loose faith now. I cannot. As for my phone getting stolen - its only a phone. It could have been much worse. So to the 2 thieves who thought that they could so callously walk over to my car and steal my phone. I don't care......
We were stuck in peak hour traffic, it was sweltering hot outside and my window was open. Enough invitation for them to strike. A guy casually strolled towards us and when i tried to close my window he put his hand onto the car door jamming the window from being rolled up. Another guy than came from the back and started screaming in my face to give him my phone. Guy #1 than turned the key in the ignition so that the car switched off. I obliged although at that minute all I wanted to scream back was hell no. They than asked for my brother's phone and as they continued screaming for it, I told them to not do anything he is giving it to them. They than ordered us to drive off and they ran off.
It was a horrible experience. As I drove away I burst into tears and couldn't even drive home. My legs had turned to jelly and I battled to keep control of the car. It might not have been bad where they pulled weapons on us or where we were injured but the whole experience has left me quite unhinged today. It made me feel even more vulnerable than I already am. The whole experience made me really miss T and the fact that he doesn't even know that this has happened to me makes me feel even more crap. I wonder if he will even care.
I won't give up and I wont loose faith. I cannot loose faith now. I cannot. As for my phone getting stolen - its only a phone. It could have been much worse. So to the 2 thieves who thought that they could so callously walk over to my car and steal my phone. I don't care......
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