If ever I knew the meaning of the word blue Monday, it was yesterday. I woke up feeling really drained and the early morning sugar rush just left me feeling really crappy. And than the phone call when I got to work which really, really unnerved me. Yes T called wanting to see me. I was hard-assed, he was hard-assed and the entire conversation just sucked. He needs to see me about signing some papers. Nothing serious, just him wanting to sell his car which fortunately or unfortunately happens to be on my name. I agreed to see him in the afternoon since I was busy in the morning, so the entire day was spent in tense anxiety wondering how to act and how not to act. Well he didn't come and by the end of the day I was so tense that my entire body ached and all I wanted was my bed.
He called last night and I chose to rather stay away from any serious topics. He wants me to come back home, keeps telling me about all the stuff he's done etc etc etc. I just evaded the questions and it was more idle chit chat than anything else. I cannot remember when last T and I had a conversation like that. Lately it's all just been about fights and issues and drama. I guess repairing our relationship first is a start but am really not sure where his family still fits into all of this. I'm not gonna think to much of anything cos T can be all sweet and nice the one minute and nasty again the next. He has hurt me so much in these past few months and trusting him is really shaky ground for me.
However, it felt good last night to banter and chat like old times. I guess focusing on the present is more important than the future. I can feel the what if's brewing. Im gonna try to ignore them at best I can. The present - that's all I need to focus on now!
Tuesday, December 08, 2009
Saturday, December 05, 2009
Giving up and staying positive
Today's been a weird day. I woke up with a sense of feeling and emotion and instead of feeling emotionally incapacitated, I felt like I had made a decision. The knife turning, gut wrenching feeling still persists but it's not too bad, or rather I am not dwelling on it too much. I cannot guarantee that I will still feel like this tomorrow, but I am living for the moment and just feeling like this is so much better than being in the depths of despair.
After a week from hell, I have decided to leave things as they are and see what happens. Nothing I do or say carries any weight and it is just adding to my stress levels. So T called on Monday after a confrontation between other parties on Sunday night. He wanted to talk and wanted me to go home so we could sort out our issues, as he so candidly put it. Well I refused to go there and made him come to me. We spoke and discussed issues at length. He seemed sad, apologetic and remorseful. He said he missed me, wanted me back home blah, blah, blah. I say blah, blah, blah cos this music to my ears moment was pretty shortlived. I refused to go home, saying that we had to start from scratch and we both made a conscious decision to take baby steps and see where that took us. Oh that was not to be. Instead of his family allowing us to make our own decisions and follow our own path towards recovery, they again made it about themselves and put down a whole lot of conditions for when I go back. Conditions that will ensure me becoming the maid around there.
I called T on Tuesday morning and very openly told him that there was no point in him and I trying to salvage our relationship cos I refuse to abide or live upto those conditions. He refused to see reason saying that we would cross that bridge when we got to it. Like hell and by Wednesday T was back to his hard-assed, tough exterior that contributed to our many arguments these past few months. T admitted to his mother and sister telling him shit about me and him trying to defend me but eventually it just became too much. He admitted to feeling torn and in the middle between us. He promised me that he has told them that whatever issues they have or do have in the future with me, they must sort it out with me. That's fair enough but I need to know that T as my husband will be there for me, to have my back and to defend me should they start with their shit again. I don't know if he is capable of that. I eventually called him on Wednesday and told him that maybe we need to get a place of our own instead of living next door to his family. After explaning my reasoning why, he agreed to think about it. Honestly speaking that probably wont ever happen and I have no intention of giving in to their demands so the fact that this might very well be the end of the road for T and I is a huge possibility. Seeing him after 3 weeks on Monday was like a breath of fresh air. The butterflies still persisted when he pulled me close to him and kissed me. I tried to be hard, to show him I was hurting. I could see that he was hurting too. But that spark is still there and I feel sad to think that all our excitement of making a life together is destroyed by his mother and sister.
I can't believe that T and I are not together because of his mother and sister. I have been trying to piece together the puzzle and somehow it all fits. They are the reason why we are in this situation today. It's only been about them and it still continues to be about them. The conditions are for their own gain and T the puppet sits on and watches and choruses with them. In that case, I am better off where I am. Yes, I still miss him and I still long for him and wonder what's he doing but I cannot make the sacrifice that they are expecting from me. They expect me to go shopping with them every weekend, cook for all their masses on a weekend or who knows when and to be there at all times whenever all the massess are around. What am I to them - A fucking slave. Who lives like this in today's day and age? Until T becomes the man he is supposed to be and tells them all to fuck off cos I am his wife, there for him and not them, will my life be that of a maid there. It saddens me that he cannot fight for me and since Wednesday there is only silence. He hasn't called nothing. I know for a fact that his family is putting him against me and honestly speaking there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. As he so candidly puts it - they are his blood. In that case I can't. On Monday he was remorseful and sad, Tuesday he was begging me to come back home and by Wednesday the arrogant demeanour which has become so familiar was back again. He believes he told me to come back home and I don't want to so it's again all my fault. So what happened to the baby steps (his words), and the trying again from scratch????
I feel sad that things have to turn out like this, but what about my life and my wants and needs. They are selfish bunch who only want to control and do things their way. Well I wont be treated like that, so I have to give up. Believe me it's not what I want, but I know that I wont be able to meet those expectations. They not willing to budge and T is too dumb or weak to see it from my point and so here I am.
I have decided to leave things as they are. I cannot still stay married and live in my mother's house forever so something, somewhere, somehow will have to give. I am not going to call him and I am not sure if he will call me. I think its best that I keep quiet and see what happens. I can only hope that it will be a positive outcome but sitting in hope for that day to come will not be very wise cos it might never happen.
Do I sound positive - I am trying
Do I still love him - yes very much
Do I still want him - Yes.
Is this the end of our love story - I don't know ???? Only time will tell....
After a week from hell, I have decided to leave things as they are and see what happens. Nothing I do or say carries any weight and it is just adding to my stress levels. So T called on Monday after a confrontation between other parties on Sunday night. He wanted to talk and wanted me to go home so we could sort out our issues, as he so candidly put it. Well I refused to go there and made him come to me. We spoke and discussed issues at length. He seemed sad, apologetic and remorseful. He said he missed me, wanted me back home blah, blah, blah. I say blah, blah, blah cos this music to my ears moment was pretty shortlived. I refused to go home, saying that we had to start from scratch and we both made a conscious decision to take baby steps and see where that took us. Oh that was not to be. Instead of his family allowing us to make our own decisions and follow our own path towards recovery, they again made it about themselves and put down a whole lot of conditions for when I go back. Conditions that will ensure me becoming the maid around there.
I called T on Tuesday morning and very openly told him that there was no point in him and I trying to salvage our relationship cos I refuse to abide or live upto those conditions. He refused to see reason saying that we would cross that bridge when we got to it. Like hell and by Wednesday T was back to his hard-assed, tough exterior that contributed to our many arguments these past few months. T admitted to his mother and sister telling him shit about me and him trying to defend me but eventually it just became too much. He admitted to feeling torn and in the middle between us. He promised me that he has told them that whatever issues they have or do have in the future with me, they must sort it out with me. That's fair enough but I need to know that T as my husband will be there for me, to have my back and to defend me should they start with their shit again. I don't know if he is capable of that. I eventually called him on Wednesday and told him that maybe we need to get a place of our own instead of living next door to his family. After explaning my reasoning why, he agreed to think about it. Honestly speaking that probably wont ever happen and I have no intention of giving in to their demands so the fact that this might very well be the end of the road for T and I is a huge possibility. Seeing him after 3 weeks on Monday was like a breath of fresh air. The butterflies still persisted when he pulled me close to him and kissed me. I tried to be hard, to show him I was hurting. I could see that he was hurting too. But that spark is still there and I feel sad to think that all our excitement of making a life together is destroyed by his mother and sister.
I can't believe that T and I are not together because of his mother and sister. I have been trying to piece together the puzzle and somehow it all fits. They are the reason why we are in this situation today. It's only been about them and it still continues to be about them. The conditions are for their own gain and T the puppet sits on and watches and choruses with them. In that case, I am better off where I am. Yes, I still miss him and I still long for him and wonder what's he doing but I cannot make the sacrifice that they are expecting from me. They expect me to go shopping with them every weekend, cook for all their masses on a weekend or who knows when and to be there at all times whenever all the massess are around. What am I to them - A fucking slave. Who lives like this in today's day and age? Until T becomes the man he is supposed to be and tells them all to fuck off cos I am his wife, there for him and not them, will my life be that of a maid there. It saddens me that he cannot fight for me and since Wednesday there is only silence. He hasn't called nothing. I know for a fact that his family is putting him against me and honestly speaking there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. As he so candidly puts it - they are his blood. In that case I can't. On Monday he was remorseful and sad, Tuesday he was begging me to come back home and by Wednesday the arrogant demeanour which has become so familiar was back again. He believes he told me to come back home and I don't want to so it's again all my fault. So what happened to the baby steps (his words), and the trying again from scratch????
I feel sad that things have to turn out like this, but what about my life and my wants and needs. They are selfish bunch who only want to control and do things their way. Well I wont be treated like that, so I have to give up. Believe me it's not what I want, but I know that I wont be able to meet those expectations. They not willing to budge and T is too dumb or weak to see it from my point and so here I am.
I have decided to leave things as they are. I cannot still stay married and live in my mother's house forever so something, somewhere, somehow will have to give. I am not going to call him and I am not sure if he will call me. I think its best that I keep quiet and see what happens. I can only hope that it will be a positive outcome but sitting in hope for that day to come will not be very wise cos it might never happen.
Do I sound positive - I am trying
Do I still love him - yes very much
Do I still want him - Yes.
Is this the end of our love story - I don't know ???? Only time will tell....
Thursday, December 03, 2009
I am so tired
I miss the way life was, or could be. I miss being happy. I miss loving. I miss wanting to touch or be touched. I miss being treated right, asked rather than told. I miss being thought of as smart. I miss being listened to, being heard, talked to rather than screamed at. I miss my feelings being considered, not disregarded. I miss having my opinion count, being able to ask a question, being able to talk without trying to figure out how I should sound to not anger.
I miss my best friend!!!
I think its too late. Too much has been done and said. Too many other people's emotions and too many angered words. I left thinking that maybe the situation will be fixed. Im scared it can't be fixed, or that I am so angry, hurt, and broken, that I don't want it to be fixed. I want quiet, yet want to scream. I want to dance and see no fear, hear no tears. I want to stomp, not tiptoe. I want to cry, so that I can laugh. I want to know why and where to from here?
I miss you, I don't. I love you, but there is a huge BUT that comes thereafter. Why won't you fight for me? Why won't you stand up and be the man I thought you were. Is this how our love story ends?
I am so tired.....
I miss my best friend!!!
I think its too late. Too much has been done and said. Too many other people's emotions and too many angered words. I left thinking that maybe the situation will be fixed. Im scared it can't be fixed, or that I am so angry, hurt, and broken, that I don't want it to be fixed. I want quiet, yet want to scream. I want to dance and see no fear, hear no tears. I want to stomp, not tiptoe. I want to cry, so that I can laugh. I want to know why and where to from here?
I miss you, I don't. I love you, but there is a huge BUT that comes thereafter. Why won't you fight for me? Why won't you stand up and be the man I thought you were. Is this how our love story ends?
I am so tired.....
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Communication
They say that communication is key in every relationship. I believe in the advocacy of communication and am a firm believer that communication is key and through communicating problems can be resolved etc etc etc.
Why can't T and I communicate. Why is it that every time I tried to broach the subject regarding the issues we were having, he stone-walled me? Did I go about it the wrong way, did I get too emotional or can we just not communicate. Yet T and I have a history of roughly about 8 years. How the hell did we get past 8 years if we can't communicate. I think back to exchanges, heated debates and arguments and scenarios play around in my head. Did we communicate or was it all just a farce. It all seems very blurry to me.
I know that every day that passes is just making it harder to communicate about what happened. I keep thinking is the final word in our relationship where everyone else got to decide and it's over. I also feel that if T doesn't want me anymore I would like to hear it from him. I need closure of some sort and this wondering and what if game is driving me nuts. I have been thinking that maybe I need to call him, ask him what the hell he wants and take it from there. It's as simple as that. However with T nothing is simple and I don't even know if I will get any answers from him. Maybe I shouldn't expect a proper answer but rather let it work from there and than decide. But than I am conflicted by all these emotions. Why do I have to call him? Why can't he call me? What about all that he has done to me and am I willing to forgive and forget about all that's happened. I feel scared of the outcome. Am I prepared to face the rejection? Maybe knowing is better than not knowing. Than there is the issue of should I call, text or email. Calling can lead to an argument if he stone-walls me again, but than at least I can have some sort of an indication of what he is thinking. Texts or emails can be ignored plain down and the waiting and not knowing will just continue. What to do, what to do? Why can't things be easy.
I guess it all boils down to making that decision, sticking by it and than accepting the outcome.
Why can't T and I communicate. Why is it that every time I tried to broach the subject regarding the issues we were having, he stone-walled me? Did I go about it the wrong way, did I get too emotional or can we just not communicate. Yet T and I have a history of roughly about 8 years. How the hell did we get past 8 years if we can't communicate. I think back to exchanges, heated debates and arguments and scenarios play around in my head. Did we communicate or was it all just a farce. It all seems very blurry to me.
I know that every day that passes is just making it harder to communicate about what happened. I keep thinking is the final word in our relationship where everyone else got to decide and it's over. I also feel that if T doesn't want me anymore I would like to hear it from him. I need closure of some sort and this wondering and what if game is driving me nuts. I have been thinking that maybe I need to call him, ask him what the hell he wants and take it from there. It's as simple as that. However with T nothing is simple and I don't even know if I will get any answers from him. Maybe I shouldn't expect a proper answer but rather let it work from there and than decide. But than I am conflicted by all these emotions. Why do I have to call him? Why can't he call me? What about all that he has done to me and am I willing to forgive and forget about all that's happened. I feel scared of the outcome. Am I prepared to face the rejection? Maybe knowing is better than not knowing. Than there is the issue of should I call, text or email. Calling can lead to an argument if he stone-walls me again, but than at least I can have some sort of an indication of what he is thinking. Texts or emails can be ignored plain down and the waiting and not knowing will just continue. What to do, what to do? Why can't things be easy.
I guess it all boils down to making that decision, sticking by it and than accepting the outcome.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Patience
I have this urge to write. I feel that maybe in my writing there are answers. Only I know that are no answers right now and as I feel my way through this dark tunnel, the only question on my mind is when will I see daylight again. If there is one thing that this has taught me, it is the power of Sabr - The ability to endure hardship, difficulty, or inconvenience with calmness, self-control and without complaint. Sabr is not something that I was born with. Infact quite the contrary and even now at the best of times, I find myself wanting to throw a tantrum cos I want what I want now. I guess growing up is really much harder than I thought.
I still feel desolate and alone and miserable. Nothing appeals to me anymore. Not food or shopping or even just the odd banter with my brothers. I feel emotionally numb and while I keep praying to Allah for help and assistance, there are times when I feel pretty despondent. I keep thinking I have to believe and put my faith and trust in Him, the Almighty. He is ever-knowing and merciful. I must admit it is hard.
It's officially 2 weeks and a few days since T and I have been apart. We haven't spoken to each other, he hasn't called and I haven't made any attempt on my part to call him. Why should I be the one to call him? However as well as I know him, he is probably sitting there thinking that she left, why should he care or bother. I am his wife, can't he see that. We are linked together by vows, don't they mean anything to him? I don't know what to think anymore and honestly my mind is a minefield of thoughts. I keep thinking that if T can be honest, we can both know where we stand and we can both make decisions. Ultimately whatever decision he makes will impact both our lives. I keep thinking, what do I want? Honestly I don't know what I want? Do I want to be with him, do I want to live my life without him. I'm not sure. All I do know is that I would like some clarity. 4 months going and there is still no clarity as to what happened and why. Why can't he be honest, why can't he be a man and say what he wants. Than I can decide what I want.
I miss him, am I wrong to feel this way? I think of happier times and I find myself feeling generous towards him and than it all comes hurtling back and I find myself back at square one. I feel humilated and hurt but most of all I feel anger. I don't even know what I would say to him if he called. There are just so many questions.
I was away for a week last week. Went with my family to Umhlanga. It was their holiday, I just gate-crashed cos of circumstances. It was hard and I know that it was hard for them too. I know they share my pain. I have forgotten how to smile or laugh and nothing appeals to me anymore. The only highlight was walking along the shore, with the waves breaking at my feet. I felt at peace sitting near the ocean starring into the wilderness contemplating my life and the direction that I should take. I feel as though my life is in limbo. 3 months with no contact is a long time and who's to say that anything will change. 3 Months cos that's when that wretched baby will be born. Why was that the goalpost, I have no idea. Why wont T call me? Doesn't he miss me, doesn't he wonder about me. Doesn't he care? I feel hurt by his actions and I feel betrayed. My best friend, cos that's what T was to me. Will our love survive this separation, will we be able to work things out or are things so far gone that nothing will be able to salvage what we once had. Again I have to put my faith and trust in the Almighty. He knows the answers, it's just upto me to make the sabr and hope for the best. He knows best right?
They say that:
Absence decreases half-hearted passions and increases great ones. Just as the wind puts out the candle yet stirs up the fire. Does this mean that our love was half-hearted?????
I still feel desolate and alone and miserable. Nothing appeals to me anymore. Not food or shopping or even just the odd banter with my brothers. I feel emotionally numb and while I keep praying to Allah for help and assistance, there are times when I feel pretty despondent. I keep thinking I have to believe and put my faith and trust in Him, the Almighty. He is ever-knowing and merciful. I must admit it is hard.
It's officially 2 weeks and a few days since T and I have been apart. We haven't spoken to each other, he hasn't called and I haven't made any attempt on my part to call him. Why should I be the one to call him? However as well as I know him, he is probably sitting there thinking that she left, why should he care or bother. I am his wife, can't he see that. We are linked together by vows, don't they mean anything to him? I don't know what to think anymore and honestly my mind is a minefield of thoughts. I keep thinking that if T can be honest, we can both know where we stand and we can both make decisions. Ultimately whatever decision he makes will impact both our lives. I keep thinking, what do I want? Honestly I don't know what I want? Do I want to be with him, do I want to live my life without him. I'm not sure. All I do know is that I would like some clarity. 4 months going and there is still no clarity as to what happened and why. Why can't he be honest, why can't he be a man and say what he wants. Than I can decide what I want.
I miss him, am I wrong to feel this way? I think of happier times and I find myself feeling generous towards him and than it all comes hurtling back and I find myself back at square one. I feel humilated and hurt but most of all I feel anger. I don't even know what I would say to him if he called. There are just so many questions.
I was away for a week last week. Went with my family to Umhlanga. It was their holiday, I just gate-crashed cos of circumstances. It was hard and I know that it was hard for them too. I know they share my pain. I have forgotten how to smile or laugh and nothing appeals to me anymore. The only highlight was walking along the shore, with the waves breaking at my feet. I felt at peace sitting near the ocean starring into the wilderness contemplating my life and the direction that I should take. I feel as though my life is in limbo. 3 months with no contact is a long time and who's to say that anything will change. 3 Months cos that's when that wretched baby will be born. Why was that the goalpost, I have no idea. Why wont T call me? Doesn't he miss me, doesn't he wonder about me. Doesn't he care? I feel hurt by his actions and I feel betrayed. My best friend, cos that's what T was to me. Will our love survive this separation, will we be able to work things out or are things so far gone that nothing will be able to salvage what we once had. Again I have to put my faith and trust in the Almighty. He knows the answers, it's just upto me to make the sabr and hope for the best. He knows best right?
They say that:
Absence decreases half-hearted passions and increases great ones. Just as the wind puts out the candle yet stirs up the fire. Does this mean that our love was half-hearted?????
Friday, November 13, 2009
Faith
So I tried to be proactive and promote the fact that my organisation is looking for a few house models to come in on a part-time basis to do fittings for clothes. I work for a huge retail organisation and we are desperately looking for some ladies and a man to do some fittings a few times a week a few hours a day. Well my efforts have been in vain. Oh well - I should present my blog at my next performance review. At least I will get a score for initiative :)
This week has really dragged for me. I was really dreading coming back on Monday, but no sooner was I here when I felt that work is that solace that it has been these past few months. It has become the only constant and manageable aspect of my life. And we all know how manageable this job is with my business partners that make ogres look tame. In all these months, work was like a haven and I dreaded weekends. Not to sure how I feel on that stance right now. I know that I am better of where I am. At least I don't have to worry about T and his weird antics and I don't have to wonder what to do next regarding the in-laws. Should I go next door, shouldn't I? Should I offer to cook something or make something out of my own? Should I or shouldn't I - the story of my life.
However I am really grappling with the fact that T hasn't called. It's a week today and nothing - no calls, no texts just silence. I can't help but wonder does he not think of me, does he not miss me, does he not care? Although I am not sure if I even want to speak to him at least I would have known what he is thinking. However when I left on Friday and also from what I gathered on Sunday from his dad, it seems he was still on his high horse and was still thinking that he had had no part in all of this. So what would be the point if he called and still acted as though he did nothing wrong. Besides how will he face me? He made me think that I was going crazy and just accusing him of crap when in actual fact there was this friend of his that he was visiting, chatting to, spending time etc etc etc. I am not saying that he had something with her, but the fact remains that he hid their relationship from me. I knew they were friends from before but than why couldn't I be friends with her too. Why did he have to hide that from me. Granted I know that I would have been pissed about it and would have probably got really angry with him, so that's why he didn't want to tell me. But where does that leave me as his wife? I thought we were fine, sharing stuff and getting along like a newly married couple and I keep wondering where was his head all along.
That is only one of the things that caused the breakdown of our marriage. What about his family, his mum and sister who have been baying for my blood for a while now. I cannot live in their shadows. Yes they are his family and I don't begrudge him that, however he needs to differentiate between the two and create that balance.
I am going with my family to Durban tomorrow. They had planned their holiday weeks ago and now that I am back home, I'm going with. A holiday is what I need but honestly I am not sure if I am going to be good company this coming week. I feel like crap most of the time and I really have to try very hard not to let my thoughts run away. I miss him and I keep wondering why he hasn't called. Honestly it's really getting to me. Does that mean that he is glad to be rid off me? I feel as though I am in limbo. Where to from here and what happens next? I feel scared of the future and can't really make any concrete plans. Also when I got married, I changed my mindset to that of being married and being part of a couple. Now I find myself back home, in my old room, holidaying with my folks, alone.
I so wish things were different. I pray and hope against hope that it all works out for the best. What do I want? I'm still not sure. What does he want? Who knows. Maybe if I knew what he wanted - it would be better. Than I will know what to do. I am trying to be patient and I am really trying to just look forward, but how does one look forward when the past is so hazy. I know that in order to move on, I will have to reach some kind of closure. I am not even sure if I want to move on from what's happened and start afresh or move on to a future without T. Who knows what is going to happen next and although I try to be patient I often find myself wanting to throw a 2 year old tantrum and demand to know what happens next. I fully believe in Destiny and I know that all this was meant to happen. Also whatever will be will be and I just hope and pray that all works out.
I miss him! Is that wrong after the way he treated me. I find myself thinking of all the good times but than the issues come up as well and I end up feeling very confused and disheartened. Although these past few months have been crappy, there were times when he was sweet and caring and I was just so angry at him that I shut him out. I can see my faults now. I know I tried but did I try enough or did I just go about it all the wrong way. I wish things were different, but they not. I know that everything happens for a reason. I just don't know what the reason for all this is. I have FAITH!!! That is all that is keeping me sane at the moment.
This week has really dragged for me. I was really dreading coming back on Monday, but no sooner was I here when I felt that work is that solace that it has been these past few months. It has become the only constant and manageable aspect of my life. And we all know how manageable this job is with my business partners that make ogres look tame. In all these months, work was like a haven and I dreaded weekends. Not to sure how I feel on that stance right now. I know that I am better of where I am. At least I don't have to worry about T and his weird antics and I don't have to wonder what to do next regarding the in-laws. Should I go next door, shouldn't I? Should I offer to cook something or make something out of my own? Should I or shouldn't I - the story of my life.
However I am really grappling with the fact that T hasn't called. It's a week today and nothing - no calls, no texts just silence. I can't help but wonder does he not think of me, does he not miss me, does he not care? Although I am not sure if I even want to speak to him at least I would have known what he is thinking. However when I left on Friday and also from what I gathered on Sunday from his dad, it seems he was still on his high horse and was still thinking that he had had no part in all of this. So what would be the point if he called and still acted as though he did nothing wrong. Besides how will he face me? He made me think that I was going crazy and just accusing him of crap when in actual fact there was this friend of his that he was visiting, chatting to, spending time etc etc etc. I am not saying that he had something with her, but the fact remains that he hid their relationship from me. I knew they were friends from before but than why couldn't I be friends with her too. Why did he have to hide that from me. Granted I know that I would have been pissed about it and would have probably got really angry with him, so that's why he didn't want to tell me. But where does that leave me as his wife? I thought we were fine, sharing stuff and getting along like a newly married couple and I keep wondering where was his head all along.
That is only one of the things that caused the breakdown of our marriage. What about his family, his mum and sister who have been baying for my blood for a while now. I cannot live in their shadows. Yes they are his family and I don't begrudge him that, however he needs to differentiate between the two and create that balance.
I am going with my family to Durban tomorrow. They had planned their holiday weeks ago and now that I am back home, I'm going with. A holiday is what I need but honestly I am not sure if I am going to be good company this coming week. I feel like crap most of the time and I really have to try very hard not to let my thoughts run away. I miss him and I keep wondering why he hasn't called. Honestly it's really getting to me. Does that mean that he is glad to be rid off me? I feel as though I am in limbo. Where to from here and what happens next? I feel scared of the future and can't really make any concrete plans. Also when I got married, I changed my mindset to that of being married and being part of a couple. Now I find myself back home, in my old room, holidaying with my folks, alone.
I so wish things were different. I pray and hope against hope that it all works out for the best. What do I want? I'm still not sure. What does he want? Who knows. Maybe if I knew what he wanted - it would be better. Than I will know what to do. I am trying to be patient and I am really trying to just look forward, but how does one look forward when the past is so hazy. I know that in order to move on, I will have to reach some kind of closure. I am not even sure if I want to move on from what's happened and start afresh or move on to a future without T. Who knows what is going to happen next and although I try to be patient I often find myself wanting to throw a 2 year old tantrum and demand to know what happens next. I fully believe in Destiny and I know that all this was meant to happen. Also whatever will be will be and I just hope and pray that all works out.
I miss him! Is that wrong after the way he treated me. I find myself thinking of all the good times but than the issues come up as well and I end up feeling very confused and disheartened. Although these past few months have been crappy, there were times when he was sweet and caring and I was just so angry at him that I shut him out. I can see my faults now. I know I tried but did I try enough or did I just go about it all the wrong way. I wish things were different, but they not. I know that everything happens for a reason. I just don't know what the reason for all this is. I have FAITH!!! That is all that is keeping me sane at the moment.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
House Models Needed - Part-Time
House Models Needed
Ladies Size 10
Height - 167 - 168cm
Bust - 87cm
Waist - 70cm
High Hip - at 10cm below waist - 89cm
Hip - at 20cm below waist - 96cm
Thigh - Top - 57cm
In-Leg -to floor - 82cm
Ladies Size 18
Height - 167-168cm
Bust - 108cm
Waist - 91cm
High Hip - at 10cm below waist - 108cm
Hip - at 20cm below waist - 115cm
Thigh - Top - 68cm
Menswear - Large Size
Height - 178cm
Chest - 102cm
Waist - 87cm
Neck Base - 41cm
Thigh - top - 60.5
If you or anyone meet the requirements- Please message me.......
This is a perfect position for someone who has time on their hands and looking to make some extra money......
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