My world has suddenly become very drab after all the colourful drama of the past few weeks. Drab isn't bad, not after the tears and miserableness that added to vast array of colours. However I still find myself feeling as though I am stuck in an emotional rut. My life has suddenly become devoid of any colour and a blank grey has settled in. I find myself itching to do something, anything - anything that will make me feel that the world is truly a wonderful place.
So much has happened and although I thought that my marriage had been given that final nail to the coffin to seal its demise, 2 weeks on and I am still married and trying very hard to make it work. T is no longer the stranger that I was forced to live with, he is more engaging and although irritable and moody at the best of times - I think he is also trying. It's just hard to see but the subtle shift is there. We communicate albeit only a little but things are much better than what they were. Look they not great, but better is good right?
I prefer not to delve too much into what happend and why. Although I usually love to overanalyse stuff, I have learnt that sometimes somethings are just not worth it. It's been a real growing up experience for me and there are times when I still fall by the wayside. I still feel pretty scared at times, cos it all happened so suddenly whose to say that it wont happen again. I also feel very disapointed and disillusioned but I will keep trying. I was prepared to leave, to walk out and never look back but than I changed my mind and decided to give this one more try. Honestly it's been hard and there are days when I feel pretty crappy cos this is not the life that I planned for myself but I am trying and still if things don't work out than at least I know that I have tried.
I keep feeling that with T being the youngest and only son, his family will never leave us to be. They will always want to be part of our lives and be there wanting to know every nitty gritty detail of our lives. It irritates me cos when T and I were dating it was pretty clear that they weren't a close family and his own mother couldn't bother about him. I always felt that I was lucky that I wouldn't have to contend with a mama's boy. Suddenly now his mother can't do enough for him. Why because someone else wants to do for her son so that's why she also has too. It annoys me that we can't live our life without them being there interfering. It's funny how when I just got married I thought that they were not as bad. But they are and it really kind of gets to me sometimes.
I love coming to work cos than at least I am away from there, but the weekends tend to be rather hard for me. T and I have always been fine but it's other forces that always turn things upside down. This is a family that lacks spontaneity, joviality and cheeriness. They tend to make conversation with each other by lowballing others. I was always grateful that I had my own home, thinking that I didn't have to see them if I didn't want to. However that was one of the major issues and so now I make a point of going to say hello. I keep praying and hoping against hoping that our marriage will just get stronger. It's been a rough couple of weeks and although there are times when it all seems in vain, I really want to make it work. If only it were easier said than done. If only my life didn't seem so pointless and devoid of any colour at the moment. If only they all would just disappear?
Friday, October 16, 2009
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Randy Andy
Ok. Work really is a haven for me. Regardless of all the crap that goes on and the hard to please business partners, right now it's the only form of sanity that I have. I walked into work this morning and thought to myself that I have lots to do and I am rather going to focus on that than focus on the fact that T has suddenly turned into Randy Andy all the while ignoring me totally. At least the piling workload keeps me sane.
Yesterday was a tad better. We spoke about random things, like the Pantene being on special, Barker Haine's kid getting kidnapped (like I care) and some or other inane crap. However he still disappeared to his parents as soon as he had finished eating and only came back about an hour or so later. I just carried on doing my own thing. Read the Cosmo (it's been a while), pottered a bit around, cleared up and than fell into bed.
How unfortunate that the minute the lights were off, randy Andy emerged pawing all over me. It kind of repulses me to think that the whole day goes by and I don't hear from him, I come home and we greet each other like 2 strangers at a train station and than he disappears only to come home to sleep. So the thought of getting all hot and flustered really didn't turn me on and I just ignored him and went to sleep only to wake up in the morning to more randy Andy antics. I couldn't help it anymore and told him exactly how I feel, but if he even heard half what I had sad is a miracle. Why doesn't he listen.
All I am asking for is for love and affection, some acknowledgement that hey - I remember you, you my wife. Instead I get ignored, am expected to cook for him, clean up after him and put out for whenever he feels like it. What does that make me. Not his wife. But more like a maid who with added benefits.
I am really scared and frustrated and as the days pass I feel even more confused. The elder of both families begged me to stay an extra week. I was ready to leave on Saturday evening after yet another debacle. So I stayed. What happens next. I am terrified to find out.
Yesterday was a tad better. We spoke about random things, like the Pantene being on special, Barker Haine's kid getting kidnapped (like I care) and some or other inane crap. However he still disappeared to his parents as soon as he had finished eating and only came back about an hour or so later. I just carried on doing my own thing. Read the Cosmo (it's been a while), pottered a bit around, cleared up and than fell into bed.
How unfortunate that the minute the lights were off, randy Andy emerged pawing all over me. It kind of repulses me to think that the whole day goes by and I don't hear from him, I come home and we greet each other like 2 strangers at a train station and than he disappears only to come home to sleep. So the thought of getting all hot and flustered really didn't turn me on and I just ignored him and went to sleep only to wake up in the morning to more randy Andy antics. I couldn't help it anymore and told him exactly how I feel, but if he even heard half what I had sad is a miracle. Why doesn't he listen.
All I am asking for is for love and affection, some acknowledgement that hey - I remember you, you my wife. Instead I get ignored, am expected to cook for him, clean up after him and put out for whenever he feels like it. What does that make me. Not his wife. But more like a maid who with added benefits.
I am really scared and frustrated and as the days pass I feel even more confused. The elder of both families begged me to stay an extra week. I was ready to leave on Saturday evening after yet another debacle. So I stayed. What happens next. I am terrified to find out.
Monday, September 28, 2009
WHY
Ive had a journal since as long as I can remember. Funny though that when things are rough I tend to want to write more. Penning my thoughts somehow help me to make sense of the chaos that clutters my brain. I feel very nonchalant today. Not really sure why, cos when my mother told me that she told my cousin EB about all this, tears were threatening to fall. I was at work so I really had to compose myself. EB is like a big brother to me. When the time came for signing of the marriage register, I chose him with my 2 brothers to give me away. The thought of him knowing just kind of made it all the more real.
T and I don't talk. This is what he wants, the life he wants without me. To run around as though he doesn't have a care in the world except maybe his car. Last night again, I lost it. I just cant seem to keep quiet. He tests my patience and I end up screaming. I keep having negative thoughts that he has someone else. But that just doesn't sound right. He wouldn't do that - or would he? It breaks my heart to think that. What could have went so wrong. How, I keep asking.
I don't have answers. I only know that things between us are crappy and have been for the past month or so. I've tried and maybe I haven't tried hard enough, or maybe I haven't done or said the right things but I have tried. Nothing has worked and all I want to do wake up from this sad dream. I go to work and have to pull myself together cos if I don't concentrate the wheels come off and everything just falls apart. I forgot to do something really important last week and I was so embarrassed when my boss asked me why it wasn't done. Last week Wednesday was really crappy for me. I barely did anything and was an emotional wreck the entire time.
There are times when I find it really hard to accept things and there are times when like right now I feel ok. I feel really sad that T and I don't talk. That since I came home we haven't spoken more than a few words to each other. We eat in silence and than he disappears to his parents or wherever while I have to sit around and twiddle my thumbs. I miss the man that I married. I miss the life full of promise and excitement. I miss what we had and although I really want it back, I don't know if that will be the best in the long run. Everything is so tarnished and ugly and miserable right now. I keep wondering will the sun ever shine again.
I don't know if T even wants me anymore and if he doesn't than what am I doing here. Why wont he be honest about what he wants and why wont he even acknowledge me. Why????
T and I don't talk. This is what he wants, the life he wants without me. To run around as though he doesn't have a care in the world except maybe his car. Last night again, I lost it. I just cant seem to keep quiet. He tests my patience and I end up screaming. I keep having negative thoughts that he has someone else. But that just doesn't sound right. He wouldn't do that - or would he? It breaks my heart to think that. What could have went so wrong. How, I keep asking.
I don't have answers. I only know that things between us are crappy and have been for the past month or so. I've tried and maybe I haven't tried hard enough, or maybe I haven't done or said the right things but I have tried. Nothing has worked and all I want to do wake up from this sad dream. I go to work and have to pull myself together cos if I don't concentrate the wheels come off and everything just falls apart. I forgot to do something really important last week and I was so embarrassed when my boss asked me why it wasn't done. Last week Wednesday was really crappy for me. I barely did anything and was an emotional wreck the entire time.
There are times when I find it really hard to accept things and there are times when like right now I feel ok. I feel really sad that T and I don't talk. That since I came home we haven't spoken more than a few words to each other. We eat in silence and than he disappears to his parents or wherever while I have to sit around and twiddle my thumbs. I miss the man that I married. I miss the life full of promise and excitement. I miss what we had and although I really want it back, I don't know if that will be the best in the long run. Everything is so tarnished and ugly and miserable right now. I keep wondering will the sun ever shine again.
I don't know if T even wants me anymore and if he doesn't than what am I doing here. Why wont he be honest about what he wants and why wont he even acknowledge me. Why????
Sunday, September 27, 2009
The End - I think
It's been a while since my last post and instead of things improving they have just deteriorated. I would like to refer to the Band as T for now as the band makes me think of happier times of me and my Band and right now there is only ugliness and sadness. It seems that my marriage is over. Yes in 9 short months it is all over. The honeymoon period, the carefree days of fun and excitement, the future full of promise. Instead the past 9 months are marred by feelings of pain and sadness. I never wanted for it to come to this but it appears that this is it. There has been one thing after another which has made me into an insecure wreck.
I used to be pretty insecure thanks to a failed past relationship but I had overcome all my demons and I never doubted my relationship with T or even my marriage for that matter. Since before we began the holy month of Ramadaan, things have been shitty. T doesn't talk to me, he ignores me, has forbade me to call him during the day cos he is busy. And now the latest he has befriended a young teenage boy and wants to be out and about without me. He literally does his own thing but yet expects me to just be there, to put out for him whenever he feels like it, to cook for him, clean up after him etc etc etc.
It was Eid day, the end of fast, a day of celebration to be spent with family and loved ones. On the day we usually do a breakfast, than lunch and than supper. The whole day is filled with food and goodwill. He refused to go to my family. Ok fine I went to my mum for breakfast by myself, we had lunch with his family and he spent the entire day in a foul mood sleeping on the couch cos all he wanted was to go out without me. I entertained his family, did all the decor and festivities, was the perfect daughter in law all the while hoping for some appreciation from him. I got nothing. In fact I very candidly got told yesterday that I complained that I had to work the whole day. T lies and twists everything to make him look like he is innocent. I had McDonald's for supper on Eid night. While my family were feasting on seafood as is tradition, I was eating a quarter pounder deluxe at 9pm.
I am convinced that he doesn't want me. He is tired of being married and wants to live the life of a bachelor. I really tried, tried to make it work. Tried to keep quite, not say anything, be civil, be a dutiful wife but nothing. All this time I kept thinking that no I will not walk away from my marriage. I will make it to work. However after the meeting that we had with a mutual elder of the family yesterday, I realised that I have to make peace with the fact that I am probably going to be divorced before my first anniversary.
I don't understand what has happened and why. Suddenly it's as though I don't know this person. It's as though he is possessed by the devil and has no compassion towards me, his wife. He totally disregards me. The funny thing is that we had no problem. A month ago I was singing praises about how in love we are and how perfectly happy I am. It's as though one morning he woke up and decided to become an absolute pig. He has issues with my family when they have not told him a word.
His biggest excuse is that he wanted a baby all along and I didn't want to. So I left the pill and told him lets try to have a baby, now he doesn't want one anymore cos its too late. Maybe he is in competition with his sister, I am not sure but why punish me. Also how do we bring a baby into this world when we has that little being's parents cannot even bare to be in the same room as each other.
I am really disappointed and never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that life would turn out like this. I had a fairytale wedding - its a pity that the fairytale didnt last.
I used to be pretty insecure thanks to a failed past relationship but I had overcome all my demons and I never doubted my relationship with T or even my marriage for that matter. Since before we began the holy month of Ramadaan, things have been shitty. T doesn't talk to me, he ignores me, has forbade me to call him during the day cos he is busy. And now the latest he has befriended a young teenage boy and wants to be out and about without me. He literally does his own thing but yet expects me to just be there, to put out for him whenever he feels like it, to cook for him, clean up after him etc etc etc.
It was Eid day, the end of fast, a day of celebration to be spent with family and loved ones. On the day we usually do a breakfast, than lunch and than supper. The whole day is filled with food and goodwill. He refused to go to my family. Ok fine I went to my mum for breakfast by myself, we had lunch with his family and he spent the entire day in a foul mood sleeping on the couch cos all he wanted was to go out without me. I entertained his family, did all the decor and festivities, was the perfect daughter in law all the while hoping for some appreciation from him. I got nothing. In fact I very candidly got told yesterday that I complained that I had to work the whole day. T lies and twists everything to make him look like he is innocent. I had McDonald's for supper on Eid night. While my family were feasting on seafood as is tradition, I was eating a quarter pounder deluxe at 9pm.
I am convinced that he doesn't want me. He is tired of being married and wants to live the life of a bachelor. I really tried, tried to make it work. Tried to keep quite, not say anything, be civil, be a dutiful wife but nothing. All this time I kept thinking that no I will not walk away from my marriage. I will make it to work. However after the meeting that we had with a mutual elder of the family yesterday, I realised that I have to make peace with the fact that I am probably going to be divorced before my first anniversary.
I don't understand what has happened and why. Suddenly it's as though I don't know this person. It's as though he is possessed by the devil and has no compassion towards me, his wife. He totally disregards me. The funny thing is that we had no problem. A month ago I was singing praises about how in love we are and how perfectly happy I am. It's as though one morning he woke up and decided to become an absolute pig. He has issues with my family when they have not told him a word.
His biggest excuse is that he wanted a baby all along and I didn't want to. So I left the pill and told him lets try to have a baby, now he doesn't want one anymore cos its too late. Maybe he is in competition with his sister, I am not sure but why punish me. Also how do we bring a baby into this world when we has that little being's parents cannot even bare to be in the same room as each other.
I am really disappointed and never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that life would turn out like this. I had a fairytale wedding - its a pity that the fairytale didnt last.
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
All about me???
09-09-09
The date today feels like some kind of lucky lottery number. If only I felt lucky. The last week has been really hard for me and I am grappling with so many issues and feelings. My mum became really ill last week Tuesday. We went to the doctor who diagnosed the flu and armed with medication, we came home thinking she would be fine. My mum who does not sleep during the day thinking that if she does, the world will pass her bye, slept for the entire week and by Saturday morning all the symptoms had returned. My brother M took her to our well-trusted GP's and they gave her Tamiflu and a whole lot of other meds to make her better. Tamiflu is the drug that is being prescribed for Swine Flu. The doctor said that he is not saying she has it or she doesnt but since she isnt getting better he is just prescribing it for her.
So with mum being diagnosed with Swine Flu and Ramadaan and the Band acting like a total ass, and issues with the in-laws I have been juggling everything. On Saturday I cooked for her and for the brothers and did the same on Sunday. Since the band decided that he would like to eat his mother's food, he ate there and I ate with the brothers and my mum. But what really gets to me is the Band's callous attitude. When I call him up on it, he says there is nothing wrong and he will come out of this on his own. I am so disappointed in him. We had one of many little meltdowns again on Monday morning and he very candidly pointed out stuff that his mother and sister had told him about me. I feel hurt that they can badmouth and lowball me and he doesn't tell them a thing. I feel even more hurt that they on my face they are sweet and full of smiles but behind my back they are gunning for my every move. I feel disappointed that my mother is so ill and he acts as though he couldn't care less.
We were perfectly happy. Yes we might have had ups and downs but suddenly I am the baddie and we live like 2 strangers. I do battle to keep my mouth shut and will usually opt to speak my mind if something is bothering me. However, I have decided to keep quite. I am really trying but how much longer do I have to pretend that everything is fine when clearly its not. He claims that nothing is wrong, but I can feel that something has changed. Yes we talk, and yes its Ramadaan so by the end of the day everyone's exhausted, but we basically just do the motions and get on with whatever needs to be done everyday. However I can feel the barrier between us and I don't know how to get through to him. I have tried to act nonchalent - it hasn't worked. If I keep quite and act normal than he also acts normal in an abnormal way. If I try shock tactics, he just pretends that I am losing my mind and there is nothing wrong.
I don't know what to do. I feel so helpless regarding this. The way things are carrying on is not normal and I don't know how to fix it. My mum is still not well and went back to the doctor today as she still wasnt feeling too well. Instead of looking forward to a spiritual month filled with atonement, reflection and prayer - there are feelings of inadequacy, resentment and uncertainty. The band knows that he is acting strange. I just want to know for how much longer is this going to carry on.
I keep thinking that maybe I am being paranoid. Maybe there is nothing wrong between us. But I can feel the rift and since we don't communicate about anything that has happened it just makes things worse. God knows I've tried to broach these issues with him but it always lands up in a screaming match. I have tried to bring things up in a non-accusatory manner - but still I get nowhere.
I am convinced that my in laws - MIL and SIL in particular are interfering in my marriage and my husband is not strong enough to stand up to them. How to I get him to see my side or understand my point. I dont begrudge them, they are his family after all, but what about me. Or am I just making it all about myself. I'm not sure.
The date today feels like some kind of lucky lottery number. If only I felt lucky. The last week has been really hard for me and I am grappling with so many issues and feelings. My mum became really ill last week Tuesday. We went to the doctor who diagnosed the flu and armed with medication, we came home thinking she would be fine. My mum who does not sleep during the day thinking that if she does, the world will pass her bye, slept for the entire week and by Saturday morning all the symptoms had returned. My brother M took her to our well-trusted GP's and they gave her Tamiflu and a whole lot of other meds to make her better. Tamiflu is the drug that is being prescribed for Swine Flu. The doctor said that he is not saying she has it or she doesnt but since she isnt getting better he is just prescribing it for her.
So with mum being diagnosed with Swine Flu and Ramadaan and the Band acting like a total ass, and issues with the in-laws I have been juggling everything. On Saturday I cooked for her and for the brothers and did the same on Sunday. Since the band decided that he would like to eat his mother's food, he ate there and I ate with the brothers and my mum. But what really gets to me is the Band's callous attitude. When I call him up on it, he says there is nothing wrong and he will come out of this on his own. I am so disappointed in him. We had one of many little meltdowns again on Monday morning and he very candidly pointed out stuff that his mother and sister had told him about me. I feel hurt that they can badmouth and lowball me and he doesn't tell them a thing. I feel even more hurt that they on my face they are sweet and full of smiles but behind my back they are gunning for my every move. I feel disappointed that my mother is so ill and he acts as though he couldn't care less.
We were perfectly happy. Yes we might have had ups and downs but suddenly I am the baddie and we live like 2 strangers. I do battle to keep my mouth shut and will usually opt to speak my mind if something is bothering me. However, I have decided to keep quite. I am really trying but how much longer do I have to pretend that everything is fine when clearly its not. He claims that nothing is wrong, but I can feel that something has changed. Yes we talk, and yes its Ramadaan so by the end of the day everyone's exhausted, but we basically just do the motions and get on with whatever needs to be done everyday. However I can feel the barrier between us and I don't know how to get through to him. I have tried to act nonchalent - it hasn't worked. If I keep quite and act normal than he also acts normal in an abnormal way. If I try shock tactics, he just pretends that I am losing my mind and there is nothing wrong.
I don't know what to do. I feel so helpless regarding this. The way things are carrying on is not normal and I don't know how to fix it. My mum is still not well and went back to the doctor today as she still wasnt feeling too well. Instead of looking forward to a spiritual month filled with atonement, reflection and prayer - there are feelings of inadequacy, resentment and uncertainty. The band knows that he is acting strange. I just want to know for how much longer is this going to carry on.
I keep thinking that maybe I am being paranoid. Maybe there is nothing wrong between us. But I can feel the rift and since we don't communicate about anything that has happened it just makes things worse. God knows I've tried to broach these issues with him but it always lands up in a screaming match. I have tried to bring things up in a non-accusatory manner - but still I get nowhere.
I am convinced that my in laws - MIL and SIL in particular are interfering in my marriage and my husband is not strong enough to stand up to them. How to I get him to see my side or understand my point. I dont begrudge them, they are his family after all, but what about me. Or am I just making it all about myself. I'm not sure.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Fuzzy Future
I have been MIA and although I have began many a blog post in these past 2 weeks I just never found the time to complete them.
The month of Ramadaan is upon us and this year things are a little bit different. Instead of relying on mum, I now have my own home with my own responsibilities. Honestly I was looking forward to this month. While it is a time to pray and reflect and atone, it is the band and my first Ramadaan together as husband and wife. Unfortunately my excitement has been marred by developments that have occurred in these past 2 weeks that have left me shocked and very miserable. I have tried to be strong and really overlook but I can't help feel a little unsure and distrustful of everyone around me.
The band and I had a really huge blowout during the long weekend that passed. Things were said and done and by the end of the weekend all was sorted out. We made up, made peace and all was well again in our world. Or so I thought. The in-laws got involved thanks to my mindless sister in law and thats when everything went really pear-shaped. The dad who is more like a father to me than my own dad, was very supportive and did not take sides between me and his son. He was angry and upset and couldn't understand where all this was coming from.
It was only much later after countless tears and heartache did I realise that my sister in law was behind this whole thing. She knew about the band and my argument over the weekend and told the dad. However she added and subtracted as she felt and gave the dad the wrong perception and now suddenly I was the villain in the story. I cant believe the garbage that she and her mother fed to him and when he clarified it, I had no clue what he was talking about.
I asked in passing about cousin B - that became an issue. There was some issue about me telling the mum how much something had cost after I had bought it. There was an issue about the maid. There were just issues all which I had never done or had no bad intention when doing it. I asked about cousin B cos I hadnt seen her in a while. I am not sure how or why that was an issue but it was. I have no recollection of me telling the mum about how much something was and when he asked her infront of me she suddenly did not know what he was talking about. He got so angry with her and I am sure he realised that they had just fed him a bunch of lies.
However the person who I am most disappointed in is the band. Suddenly, overnight he had changed and I don't know why. Just cos the dad had scolded him for the fight that we had, he became cold towards me. All the i'm sorry's and the flowers meant nothing and I had become the enemy. Also the fact that the band and I were having an issue does not give anyone the right to make it about themselves. That is exactly what my MIL and SIL did. They made this about themselves by lowballing me.
As for my SIL, I get the feeling that she is using the band as a weapon to get what she wants. Suddenly he is feeling so responsible for her. He is going to buy her a bmw pram and car seat. He is going to Game to buy some plaything for the baby. She had a doctors appointment 2 weeks ago and the doc couldn't make it, so they rescheduled for Sunday morning. He had to take her. So there I was on Sunday morning all alone at home, while he took his sister to the gynacologist. Why cos when I was sick the band drove me to the doctor late Sunday evening. So where to from here I keep wanting to know. Is she expecting the band to father her child cos clearly this baby has no biological father. She miraculously created it on her own.
I also have picked up that the dad does not talk to them regarding this. They very candidly began discussing her unborn baby on the dinner table last week and he ignored them totally. 3 times they brought it up and on all 3 occassions he ignored them. I know how he thinks and I know that, that is something he wont condone however what happens when the baby is born. How are they going to explain a small baby to their family and friends. Its funny how on Sunday when guests came over, she wore a Kaftan which hid her growing tummy rather nicely.
I cant help but feel that what happens to the band and our life. Surely we also want to have our own family but now with the band feeling so responsible for her, I just feel that we will constantly have to live in her and her baby's shadow. If sil did this than we should do it too. Also what happens when there are family outings, the band, our children and I - will we be saddled with her child as well cos shame it doesnt have a father. My imagination is running away with me but I cant help but feel that surely an innocent baby will foster lost of love and joy in their home but at what price. At the price of me losing my husband. He must go to the pharmacy to buy her pills and vitamens, he must go with her to the doctor. He must buy her the pram and so the list goes on and on.....
I feel as though that pretty picture that was my life full of love and laughter and promise has become a dream with only uncertainty and fuzzyness clouding the reality.
I feel very despondent about the future and on more than one occasion during this past 2 weeks I have questioned the future of my marriage. I know that this is his mum and sister but what about me - his wife. All they do is complain and act the victim. I can see the pressure that they are placing on his shoulders and to be quite honest it is causing a strain on my marriage and I don't know what to do about it.
The month of Ramadaan is upon us and this year things are a little bit different. Instead of relying on mum, I now have my own home with my own responsibilities. Honestly I was looking forward to this month. While it is a time to pray and reflect and atone, it is the band and my first Ramadaan together as husband and wife. Unfortunately my excitement has been marred by developments that have occurred in these past 2 weeks that have left me shocked and very miserable. I have tried to be strong and really overlook but I can't help feel a little unsure and distrustful of everyone around me.
The band and I had a really huge blowout during the long weekend that passed. Things were said and done and by the end of the weekend all was sorted out. We made up, made peace and all was well again in our world. Or so I thought. The in-laws got involved thanks to my mindless sister in law and thats when everything went really pear-shaped. The dad who is more like a father to me than my own dad, was very supportive and did not take sides between me and his son. He was angry and upset and couldn't understand where all this was coming from.
It was only much later after countless tears and heartache did I realise that my sister in law was behind this whole thing. She knew about the band and my argument over the weekend and told the dad. However she added and subtracted as she felt and gave the dad the wrong perception and now suddenly I was the villain in the story. I cant believe the garbage that she and her mother fed to him and when he clarified it, I had no clue what he was talking about.
I asked in passing about cousin B - that became an issue. There was some issue about me telling the mum how much something had cost after I had bought it. There was an issue about the maid. There were just issues all which I had never done or had no bad intention when doing it. I asked about cousin B cos I hadnt seen her in a while. I am not sure how or why that was an issue but it was. I have no recollection of me telling the mum about how much something was and when he asked her infront of me she suddenly did not know what he was talking about. He got so angry with her and I am sure he realised that they had just fed him a bunch of lies.
However the person who I am most disappointed in is the band. Suddenly, overnight he had changed and I don't know why. Just cos the dad had scolded him for the fight that we had, he became cold towards me. All the i'm sorry's and the flowers meant nothing and I had become the enemy. Also the fact that the band and I were having an issue does not give anyone the right to make it about themselves. That is exactly what my MIL and SIL did. They made this about themselves by lowballing me.
As for my SIL, I get the feeling that she is using the band as a weapon to get what she wants. Suddenly he is feeling so responsible for her. He is going to buy her a bmw pram and car seat. He is going to Game to buy some plaything for the baby. She had a doctors appointment 2 weeks ago and the doc couldn't make it, so they rescheduled for Sunday morning. He had to take her. So there I was on Sunday morning all alone at home, while he took his sister to the gynacologist. Why cos when I was sick the band drove me to the doctor late Sunday evening. So where to from here I keep wanting to know. Is she expecting the band to father her child cos clearly this baby has no biological father. She miraculously created it on her own.
I also have picked up that the dad does not talk to them regarding this. They very candidly began discussing her unborn baby on the dinner table last week and he ignored them totally. 3 times they brought it up and on all 3 occassions he ignored them. I know how he thinks and I know that, that is something he wont condone however what happens when the baby is born. How are they going to explain a small baby to their family and friends. Its funny how on Sunday when guests came over, she wore a Kaftan which hid her growing tummy rather nicely.
I cant help but feel that what happens to the band and our life. Surely we also want to have our own family but now with the band feeling so responsible for her, I just feel that we will constantly have to live in her and her baby's shadow. If sil did this than we should do it too. Also what happens when there are family outings, the band, our children and I - will we be saddled with her child as well cos shame it doesnt have a father. My imagination is running away with me but I cant help but feel that surely an innocent baby will foster lost of love and joy in their home but at what price. At the price of me losing my husband. He must go to the pharmacy to buy her pills and vitamens, he must go with her to the doctor. He must buy her the pram and so the list goes on and on.....
I feel as though that pretty picture that was my life full of love and laughter and promise has become a dream with only uncertainty and fuzzyness clouding the reality.
I feel very despondent about the future and on more than one occasion during this past 2 weeks I have questioned the future of my marriage. I know that this is his mum and sister but what about me - his wife. All they do is complain and act the victim. I can see the pressure that they are placing on his shoulders and to be quite honest it is causing a strain on my marriage and I don't know what to do about it.
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
Winter and all things not nice....
I have had enough of Winter and everything else that goes with it. Especially the flu. I was sick last week, went to this ancient doctor that the band swears by and although he treated me very nicely, the meds that he gave me were quite weak - i think. Saturday morning I woke up with a runny nose that just didn't want to go away. Pill after pill and my nose just kept on leaking. To top it all the band and I decided to go watch The Proposal on Saturday night - it was miserable outside and with eyes spluttering and snots running - i made it through the movie. I am sorry old man who was sitting next to me merrily sipping his coffee as I merrily blew my nose at every chance I got.
By Sunday evening I was exhausted, the fever had returned and I asked the Band to take me to my doctor. So we made the trek down and after a good checking up he booked me off until today. To be quite honest, I still don't feel 100%. My head really hurts and I feel weak and tired most of the time. I keep thinking that I need to go to work cos I am beginning to get cabin fever now and every little thing the band does is starting to work on my nerves. He is such a lucky sod that he gets to work flexi-time so he comes and goes as he pleases. Although I wouldn't want to be in his shoes, cos he has a million and one things to do and a million and one people to please.
The knocked up sister went to her gynae on Monday. The usual damsel in distress who cannot even go to the corner Spar to buy a loaf of bread went on her own, to a place that she has never been to. I for one don't believe that. Come on obviously she made this baby with someone and what are the chances of that someone not wanting to be a part of his unborn child's life. Unless he really is a lowly loser and she really is out on her own. Yesterday she needed to go to the lab for a blood test, she made her brother take her in the evening. But you made no fuss to go and see your new gynae.
The band told her that he has told me she is pregnant and she very candidly told him that oh she thought I knew all along. So what, was she expecting me to ask her. I am not her. A few months ago she and her parents went on an overseas holiday. While they were away, everyone thought I was pregnant cos I felt like crap 99% of the time. The band mentioned it to her when they came back and when she saw my mum she asked her about everyone thinking that I was pregnant. I respect people's privacy and will not pry just to be in the know. I don't plan on saying anything to her unless she brings it up. Why should I? Until now it has been a state secret so why should I get all chummy with them. Maybe I am wrong to feel this way but it just irritates me to no end.
In 2 weeks time we begin fasting and to be quite honest, I am a little worried. I have to be more responsible and worry about the band whereas before mum did all the worrying. I am also a little concerned about a few other issues and I am hoping against hoping that they work themselves out instead of me being miserable.
The band has been super busy these past few days but he still finds the time to pamper me and check up on me. I absolutely love that he makes the bed, makes me warm chocolatey drinks every night and holds me close when I get the shivers..... Hmmm thank you band!
I am not sure if I should go in to work tomorrow. I dont feel too great and with the long weekend around us most people will be off anyway. I feel bad but I can't go in and than leave early if I feel crap. Yesterday the band asked me to please drive down to the shop to buy something that he needed and I drove like Miss Daisy and felt so weak and headachey when I got back. Really not sure what to do.....
I have discovered Twitter...... Follow my random tweets anyone.
By Sunday evening I was exhausted, the fever had returned and I asked the Band to take me to my doctor. So we made the trek down and after a good checking up he booked me off until today. To be quite honest, I still don't feel 100%. My head really hurts and I feel weak and tired most of the time. I keep thinking that I need to go to work cos I am beginning to get cabin fever now and every little thing the band does is starting to work on my nerves. He is such a lucky sod that he gets to work flexi-time so he comes and goes as he pleases. Although I wouldn't want to be in his shoes, cos he has a million and one things to do and a million and one people to please.
The knocked up sister went to her gynae on Monday. The usual damsel in distress who cannot even go to the corner Spar to buy a loaf of bread went on her own, to a place that she has never been to. I for one don't believe that. Come on obviously she made this baby with someone and what are the chances of that someone not wanting to be a part of his unborn child's life. Unless he really is a lowly loser and she really is out on her own. Yesterday she needed to go to the lab for a blood test, she made her brother take her in the evening. But you made no fuss to go and see your new gynae.
The band told her that he has told me she is pregnant and she very candidly told him that oh she thought I knew all along. So what, was she expecting me to ask her. I am not her. A few months ago she and her parents went on an overseas holiday. While they were away, everyone thought I was pregnant cos I felt like crap 99% of the time. The band mentioned it to her when they came back and when she saw my mum she asked her about everyone thinking that I was pregnant. I respect people's privacy and will not pry just to be in the know. I don't plan on saying anything to her unless she brings it up. Why should I? Until now it has been a state secret so why should I get all chummy with them. Maybe I am wrong to feel this way but it just irritates me to no end.
In 2 weeks time we begin fasting and to be quite honest, I am a little worried. I have to be more responsible and worry about the band whereas before mum did all the worrying. I am also a little concerned about a few other issues and I am hoping against hoping that they work themselves out instead of me being miserable.
The band has been super busy these past few days but he still finds the time to pamper me and check up on me. I absolutely love that he makes the bed, makes me warm chocolatey drinks every night and holds me close when I get the shivers..... Hmmm thank you band!
I am not sure if I should go in to work tomorrow. I dont feel too great and with the long weekend around us most people will be off anyway. I feel bad but I can't go in and than leave early if I feel crap. Yesterday the band asked me to please drive down to the shop to buy something that he needed and I drove like Miss Daisy and felt so weak and headachey when I got back. Really not sure what to do.....
I have discovered Twitter...... Follow my random tweets anyone.
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