Meltdown

I love this time of the year. It's the end of the year, there is a festive air about and its time for the holidays; where one can let one's hair down and spend time by the pool or the beach. I go on leave in about a months time and I really cant wait. The only part that I dont like about Summer is the allergies that plague me. It never used to be so bad, but lately I wake up in the morning with a blocked nose and an itchy throat and not to mention they spluttering eyes that make one feel a tad awful. I never used to suffer this badly from hayfever.

I am still trying to sort out the mess of our office function. I think I just have to understand that I cant please everyone and there will be people who will complain. I cant get how some people will always go out of their way to be difficult. I mean in the holiday spirit and the mere fact that we have seen a whole year pass in this really stressful department is reason enough for me to celebrate. Anyway - I guess there will always be people who will be dissatisfied....

Yesterday I really ended up having an awful day. I think reading up on past journal entries really threw me. I have always had a journal and over the years my urge to write in it has waxed and waned. However when T and I started hitting some rocky patches, I somehow found solace in writing my thoughts, feelings and fears down. It somehow made me feel like I could make sense of my thoughts by writing. However when I read it yesterday, it kind of made me a little sad. Although I feel that I am more grown up and I kind of like the person that I have become, the experiences of the past year, have been what horror movies are made of. (ok, maybe thats a little extreme). But even though it made me into a more stronger person, I really wouldnt want to experience that again. So naturally reading all the million and one posts, made me feel really sad and oh so emotional. I ended up taking this all out on T. When T and I decided to try again and start over, I was pretty vocal about my feelings and fears and the tears and pain that was caused. I know that he was probably hurting as well (heard this through the grapevine), but he hasnt been as vocal and I think I just felt that I was really hurting and maybe he wasnt. I have forgiven him and have moved past the hurt and the anger that was surrounding me at the time but reading all the posts made me feel that hurt all over again.

T and I didnt start over in the sense where we just picked up where we left of. We started again from scratch. We resolved issues that plagued us both and discussed the break up and what caused it. I am happy that we did that. I must admit that there are times when things will still get to me - I am human after all, but im working on it. I know that even though it was hard at first and there was a great amount of pain and confusion I know that I can live without him I just dont want to. Also in a sense it seemed to make us both more aware of each others feelings and the pain and confusion that went with the breakup. Somehow I feel that we couldnt go back to the place that we were in before things ended. We are in a new place and to be honest I really like that new place.....

Emotional

Today I am feeling really crappy. There is just too much going on, too much to worry and think about that is driving me a little insane. I cant worry or control everything. I just cant. It isnt humanly possible and is driving me a little nuts at the moment.First of all, i am organising the whole office party. I know and am expecting that there will be those people that will not be truly satisfied with the whole function - but that is just there bad. However it is the fact that they can complain about the most pettiest of things is what is really working on my nerves. I unfortunately am a real people pleaser. I will go to the ends of the earth to make everyone happy or rather I will attempt to. But there are times when there is only so much I can do. I mean really - this is one function that is supposed to be fun - I mean it is the end of the year for crying out loud. I guess there really is no pleasing some people.Than I have my personal life to contend with. Yes things are fine but are they really. Things are so complicated where T and my families are concerned that sometimes I just wish that it was only him and I on this earth and nobody else. I just wish for once that things can be uncomplicated and easy and simple, instead of a grind that is just too hard to comprehend sometimes. I am feeling really crappy today - crappy in the sense that I feel tired, listless and out of it. I am feeling pretty emotional and it feels like the worlds weight are heavily resting on my shoulders. And work pressures are not the end of it either.

I just feel like everything is so weird right now.....

Weekend Do's

Monday's usually go by in a blur for me. Somedays I am all focused and full of energy and some days I am just lame and listless. Today is somewhat of an inbetweener for me. We came in to work this morning, only to find that the aircon was not working. It was horrible, trying to concentrate with that intense heat all around you. It just triggered my allergies with my nose and eyes watering like crazy. Im still not feeling too fine - but its fine I guess, the day is almost over.

My weekend was fine I guess. T was gone to a wedding so I only got to see him yesterday. I went out on Friday night, to Spur and it was divine, although we first had to complain before we got our order right. On Saturday night, I went to this divine little Indian/Pakistani restaurant in Fordsburg. The food is absolutely lovely, I am salivating just thinking about it. It was a bit of a strange experience but overall it was cool. Yesterday I went shopping and ended up buying some stuff that I am seriously thinking of returning. I dont know, will have to decide on that one.

I baked a whole batch of cookies on Saturday morning and not to mention the most divine Chocolate Cake. Still wanted to take a picture and post it on my food blog Fantasy of Food
but everyone dug into it before I could do so and now there are a few measly crumbs this morning. Oh well next time, I guess. I have posted the recipe there though.

We had people over yesterday morning and it was nice just being with family and spending the morning with them. We see them so little that the few times that we do get together is always so short. It always makes me think of when we were younger and the fun and get togethers that were always planned at my grandparents house. Both sets of grandparents have passed on and I really miss them and I think that we would have had this really fantastic relationship with them now that we are older. We didnt really get to know them as my siblings and I were really young when they passed on. When my mum talks about her parents, it always makes me feel that we missed out on something great and wonderful. I grew up with my grandmother and aunt from my dad's side and we lived in the same home. Although at times I really miss them, the bad memories that surround my parents divorce and the hand that they somehow played in it tarnishes those memories. However it is not wise to speak ill of the dead, so may their souls rest in peace.

I met one of my closest friends sisters yesterday. We were somehow really close and always got along really well. She is 3 years younger than me and is getting married. I am so happy for her. We got chatting and she was telling me about all the girls that are getting married. These are girls from the place where I grew up in. Its like everyone you hear, is getting married. I keep getting bombarded with questions of when I am going to get married. Somehow I just smile and say, we'll see. T and I have spoken about the whole marriage thing again and this time I feel that I am ready. I can picture myself being married to him and the whole notion of his family doesnt scare me anymore. Well it does sometimes, but it just doesnt seem as daunting anymore. Also I think that marriage is a really big step and one has to be completely ready for it. I know that last year when the whole issue of us getting married came up, I wasnt ready for it. And yes we broke up over it and yes every single person that we knew made it their freaking business to make their opinions known but if I look back, I am actually really proud of the person that I have become. I am also proud of T, he has changed as well and seems to be a bit more mature and adult about certain things. I dont want to get married just because everyone else is doing it. It has to be right for me as I just feel that it is a life changing experience. So yes T keep saying that he wants to get married and has asked me a million times if I am sure about things this time round. And yes I am. However I do understand that things will be weird and this is not your normal, average sort of relationship - but I cant help looking forward to it......I just hope that this time round - Nothing else goes awry.....

In exactly one week, T leaves for overseas. I hope the 6 weeks that he is away - go by really quickly.....

Friday

So the office christmas function is almost planned. I just have to organise to pay the lady and organise the drinks. We having a little secret santa thingy and last year it was really fun. Although I must admit that the gift that I got, I went and exchanged it for something else. Oops sorry. I know that its the thought that counts but come on it was really something that I wouldnt use.

Im so glad that its Friday. I had my interview with my boss yesterday. It's funny being interviewed by your boss. There is no way you can bullshit, cos she knows every little thing about you. But anyway i thought it went well. However it was only a screening interview and there is probably going to be another one next week, this one being the biggie, cos its with the hiring manager. Im not really too worried, cos I applied for this position on a whim and if i dont get it, it wont be the end of the world. However I do need to decide where I want to go, what I want to do and what sort of career path I want to take. I sometimes feel very despondent. I went to university for 4 years, am an honours graduate and a professional person affiliated to a professional council, I am not working in the field that I studied in and I sometimes wonder if all my studies were all for nothing. However I started this job in the hope that I would gain some work experience, cos we all know that you can have a million degrees, but if you dont have any practical, hands on experience, you are somehow stuffed. And experience I have gotten. And not to mention the salary which has grown substantially over the past 3 years. So yeah - I guess I shouldnt complain too much. Its all about finding that direction.......

Im looking forward to the weekend, even though I dont really have anything planned. T is off to a wedding tomorrow and Sunday he has some other family do planned. In a weeks time, he will be off overseas for 6 weeks. I know it will probably fly by, but I will miss him tons, tons.....

Scribblings

I am not a very happy camper this morning. See, I love summer. The warm summer sun, the lovely balmy nights with the crickets chirping and the frogs croaking. I don't mind those hot summer days where the sky is bluer than blue and the sun is shining. I am tired of the drabby clouds and the rain and cold. First of all I couldnt decide what to wear this morning. I want to wear sandals and shorts and wispy dresses and skirts. But I am forever cold and with the cold weather I will just be a frozen iceblock the whole day. So its a jersey and to be honest I am thinking I really should have worn some socks today. I so dont like the cold. Summer, where are you?????

I am beginning to think that every man who I want to be friends with - just wants something else. Had a bit of a weird experience yesterday with someone who used to work here and has now left to go to another company. I mean hello - I thought this was my friend. Someone who I could talk to about anything ranging from work dilemmas and frustrations to the dramatic antics of my relationship with T. I am really trying to act nonchalent about it and maybe it is all just in my imagination - but its freaky and weird. I have never been able to be friends with a guy - without them always wanting more. How shitty. I think that is why I found it so hard to understand that T is friends and just friends with a girl.

T leaves for overseas in about a weeks time. He is going away for 6 weeks. I am really going to miss him. Things between us have really blossomed and although we often talk about the shitty past few months there seems to be a new found respect and maturity between us. I honestly think that the whole breakup no matter how painful and horrible, was actually an experience that led us to becoming better people. There is a sense of maturity, more consideration for each other and just an overall respect that had been lost between us. I am really glad that we gave each other another chance. Touch Wood - It seems to be working.

I must admit that I sometimes freak out and panic that things will go pear-shaped again. I think that is all about just keeping a clear head and not letting little things get to me. I know that in the past a lot of the issues were because of me having insecurity issues and hangups about past relationships. These were than projected into our relationship only to cause havoc and drama. I am really trying to not let any past hang-ups affect me because T is really special and one a kind. The few months where things were so shitty and crappy between and I really didnt know what was going to happen next gave me a lot of time to think and evaluate stuff. However I must admit that sometimes I still find myself overwhelmed by feelings of insecurity but I am working on it.....

I am being interviewed today for a senior position within my department. Its only a screening interview - but still I have to be prepared. Im a tad nervous, but the position will be a welcome change to what I am doing now. So yeah, I really am not sure how its going to pan out - to be honest im not to phased out about. It would be cool if it happens - because I am still as clueless as to where I want to go and what I want to be - but hey we'll see what happens. I am busy trying to organise our christmas function - the last two have been disastrous (thanks to lack of planning from the organisers side), so im really trying to make it special. Its funny how I enjoy planning and putting little things together........

Blues

I don't know why I have this urge to write. I didnt have a very nice weekend. I got into work this morning and started sorting out files and papers. It's funny how things can pile up and than you end up with mountains of paperwork that is just too monstrous to get through it. I like to think that I am a neat and orderly person, however I tend to loose focus very easily and end up letting things slide. It's something that I have to work on and hopefully get right. I really do have a very low attention or concentation span.

Another factor that is really contributing to me letting things slide is I am not really happy with what I am doing. I have been for numerous interviews and assessments (some which went very badly), but everytime I go for an interview, I get put off about something or other. I keep asking if there is something wrong with me. The main problem is that I am not happy with what I am doing, not with the company that I work for. So what would be the point of moving jobs only to feel this frustrated all over again. I need to sit down and decide exactly what I want to do. I sometimes feel so confused about work and a career path. I look at others who are so happy in their jobs and I wonder if that will ever be me. I sometimes wonder if I even studied the right thing. I have been in this department for close on 3 years. Yes I have been promoted 3 times with a real boost to my salary but I keep saying that I am not happy with what I am doing. I woke up this morning with this feeling that I really need to decide what I want to do. I keep thinking that if I dont make a decision soon, I will probably still be feeling the same way in six months time. Sitting here, feeling miserable and just plodding along.

I didnt have a very nice weekend. The old feelings of insecurity somehow resurfaced and it just made me feel miserable. I somehow lost sight of myself and T and I ended up having an argument. I dont know what is wrong with me. Yes he is friends with a girl and sometimes cant understand it. However he has been transparent with me about it. I mean he took me to meet her, to put my mind at ease that she is just his friend and nothing else. I think that I have accepted it and I am fine with it. Its the other forces in my life that I am bugging about. What will the others think etc, etc, etc.

I have to also realise that T is also his own person and I dont own him. I mean I have to allow him some sort of his own freedom. If i dont, it would just mean that I am compromising his individuality. Its just that at times I feel so insecure and scared. I dont have reason to - seriously I dont. He is nothing but attentive and sweet and caring that I really dont have anyting to worry about. I always question why I feel so insecure. Is it because I have a totally non-existant relationship with my dad, is it because of the one ex-boyfriend who made life very miserable for me. There are times when I feel totally fine and secure and there are times when I feel very insecure and almost feel abandoned. I thought that I was over it in some way or another - but I find that it will resurface at times making things very awkward.

I know that I have to work on these issues and feelings of insecurity. Its not fair to him and it makes me not like the person I become. I have this really great thing going and I really have to get rid of this negativity that plagues me at times. I really am terrified that things might get awry all over again....

Million and One Things

I am feeling very frazzled at the moment and really need to go home and unwind and relax. Funny that whenever I have plans to just chill and relax, there will be some or other thing to do. Work has been really hectic this week and although I enjoy the pressure and stresses that it entails, I feel like I am trying to juggle a million balls in the air.

I have decided to start a food blog. I love cooking and am always finding little recipes to try. I love experimenting with spices and herbs that give that rich aroma that comes with something fragrant cooking.

My food blog Fantasy of Food!


There is just so much happening at the moment, I feel hectic and busy and at times overwhelmed. I just hope some of the dramas let up soon.....